Page 48 of The Bad Mother's Diary

Found one in the bathroom, but where’s the other one?

I’ve never loved anything as much as Daisy. She is the best thing I have ever seen, heard, touched or smelt. But sometimes – especially at night-time – I want to kill her.

I used to judge those mums who scream at their kids in supermarkets. But now I don’t. Because they’re only saying what I think in my head sometimes.

Couldn’t be bothered to go for a run today. There’s no way I’ll finish this marathon.

Just no way.

Tuesday April 21st

Oh my God, I am totally fed up. Daisy woke up at 2am, 4am and 5.30am – at which point she cried until 7am.

I mean, it’s not like I’d give Daisy back or anything. She makes my life magical. But when does it end? It’s so gruelling. Every night, not knowing if she’s going to sleep or not. And not being able to stop the crying. And not knowing WHY she’s crying.

What am I doing wrong? WHY WON’T SHE SLEEP!!!

Ate a jumbo bar of Cadbury’s Whole Nut chocolate for lunch. Didn’t mean to, but it was on price promotion at the bookshop.

I went in to buyThe Big Book of Baby Sleep, and they’d put giant bars of chocolate by the cash registers. It’s like they know sleep-deprived mums go in there.

Wednesday April 22nd

Bought more sleep books today. Apparently, a baby Daisy’s age should be sleeping all night without waking.

Well it’s alright to SAY that, isn’t it? But how do you make them do it? I mean, what if offering cool boiled water or a dummy doesn’t work at 3am?

Feel very alone today.

I’m a mother. I’m supposed to be the one who fixes things.

But sometimes I just can’t.?

Alex called round for training, but I couldn’t face it.

I was way too tired.

At first, Alex came down hard on me, saying I mustn’t give up and that difficulty is part of every victory.

Then I told him I was having lady problems, and the intercom cut out pretty quickly.

Thursday April 23rd

Sadie came round tonight – not to train, but to show me a new coat she’d just bought.

I was putting Daisy to bed and she said, ‘Christ! Are her ribs supposed to stick out like that?’

I said Daisy’s ribs were beautiful.

I mean, Callum had big bulging eyes when he was born. Like he was on a Coca-Cola high (which is totally possible – Brandi drank a lot of cola when she was pregnant).

Then Sadie asked where my ‘loser boyfriend’ was, and I had to admit I wasn’t sure. He should have been home hours ago.

Sadie said, ‘That man is a pig. You do know that, don’t you?’

I was too tired to defend Nick yet again. I wish everyone would remember that he’s working really hard. And that he’s doing his best for us.

Have spent all evening worrying about Daisy’s ribs.

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