Page 49 of The Bad Mother's Diary

Friday April 24th

3am

Googled ‘baby ribs’.

All that came up were BBQ rib recipes.

Actually quite fancy some Chinese food now.

9am

SO tired. But promised I’d see Nana Joan, so have made myself Brandi’s ‘wake-up special’ – four spoons of instant coffee blended with milk and a chocolate Boost bar.

1pm

I love my nana! She just refuses to age gracefully. Today, she was doing boxercise with the other old people.

I held punch pads for Nana’s new boyfriend – a kindly-faced man, who Nana boasts has ‘all his own hair and teeth’. He really likes Nana, but she was eyeing up a new resident – a man with his own electric wheelchair.

After boxercise, we helped Nana do her shopping. The care home gives her meals, but they’re a bit too boring.

Loaded her trolley with pepperoni pizza, steak, bacon and alcoholic lemonade.

When we got back to the care home, Nana showed me a ‘cracking dress’ she’d bought me on eBay.

It was fluorescent pink, Lycra and skintight.

I said thanks, but I didn’t really have the figure for that kind of thing anymore.

Nana said, ‘What are you talking about, Jules? I’d kill for your figure. Anyway, this is a body-con dress. These black bits slim you down.’

To demonstrate, she put the dress on and said, ‘Well if you don’t wear it, I will.’

Mum and Nana love their figures, wobbles and all.

I used to be more like that. Before I had Daisy.

Nana and I talked about the wedding flowers, and the fact Nick hasn’t bought them yet.

Nana said, ‘Don’t wait around for a man to buy you flowers. Plant your own frigging garden.’

Saturday April 25th

Took Daisy to ‘Saturday Singing’ at Great Oakley library today.

All the mums sang with gusto, ‘Little Peter Rabbit has a fly upon his nose!’ in perfect Judy Garland voices.

I mumbled along, like when I have to sing hymns at a wedding.

Daisy loved the songs and chewing the cymbals.

ALL the babies Daisy’s age were rolling over. I’m a bit worried. What if something’s wrong?

When we got back to London, I thought I should continue Daisy’s musical education.

I put on ‘Bangin’ Club Anthems’ and did animated rave dancing.

Helen appeared, arms folded, while I was jumping up and down with Daisy and shouting ‘TUUUNE!’

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