Page 55 of The Bad Mother's Diary

Daisy only woke up once last night.

Not too bad. And she went straight back to sleep after I fed her. Why can’t she do that every night? Once is totally bearable.

The trouble was,Icouldn’t get back to sleep.

I kept thinking about the wedding.

It’s not as though I think Nick will back out. But it took him so long to propose …

Of course, it doesn’t help that Nick is so miserable about the wedding. I wish he could at leastpretendto be happy. I know this is all girly stuff. But it’s supposed to meansomethingto him.

Wednesday May 13th

HAEMORRHOIDS!!!

And so near the wedding too!

Just as I’d made my peace with my boobs dropping an inch, wee coming out for no reason, and a car-crash downstairs area, now my bum as well. And don’t even get me started on the weird spots on my arms …

I’ve learned something important.

Never, EVER google the word ‘haemorrhoids’ and look at the image page.

Went back to the village to see Doctor Slaughter because getting a doctor in London is impossible.

All the doctors in the Great Oakley surgery have funny names. We have a Dr Condom, Dr Watson and Dr Rogers. Doctor Slaughter fits right in.

Doctor Slaughter gave me a prescription for suppositories. He also gave me phone numbers of three other women in the village that had them and suggested we meet up. Doctor Slaughter doesn’t believe in patient confidentiality.

The chemist was closed ‘due to a problem with our tills’. (Meaning the owner is having a lie-in).

Googled home-remedy pile treatments. Smashed up a garlic clove and applied it to the area.

Have never known pain like it.

Screamed. Did a weird, grunty dance. Then threw the garlic in the bin.

Helen came round and asked me if I’d been making guacamole.

Thursday May 14th

Started a new diet today – the 5:2 diet. It’s basically starving yourself for two days a week.

After no breakfast or lunch, I felt all sick and faint and light-headed. Decided that with a baby, it wasn’t responsible to starve myself.

So had a big bowl of pasta and pesto.

Maybe I’ll try the diet again tomorrow.

Nick is working in Leeds for the rest of the week, so Daisy and I are back at Mum and Dads. Got another chocolate bar for the train journey home.

Great Oakley is so lovely right now.

All the flowers and trees.

It’s good to be around my family near the wedding. And away from Helen, who is getting crazier by the day.

Went to the play park with Daisy.

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