Page 6 of The Bad Mother's Diary

I think we must have got pretty loud, because the café curtains started twitching and even the pigs were staring.

Little Callum said, ‘What does fuck up mean?’

Alex announced he had a meeting in London, and marched off to his vintage MG.

Zach lingered for a bit, asking Laura how she was finding studying in London.

When he finally left, Brandi teased Laura about how girly she got around Zach.

‘Oooo Zachary Dalton. You are justtooodishy. Will you take me round the world on your yacht?’

I laughed along. It was SO true.

Then Brandi teased me about fancying Alex when I was at school.

I told her to shut up.

Tuesday January 6th

The trouble with motherhood is you’re expected to:

Be slim, attractive, and fashionably dressed, with a brightly coloured designer baby bag covered in little forest animals.

Have a perfect IKEA home with quirky little child-friendly details, like a colourful chalkboard stuck on the fridge and designer robot toys.

Be an all-natural, organic earth mother and not use any nasty plastic Tupperware with chemicals in it, only buy organic vegetables, breastfeed, have a drug-free birth, etc. BUT at the same time …

Be a super-clean chemical spray freak with hygienic clean surfaces and floors at all times, plus wash your hands ten times a day.

All this AND get out of the house without mysterious white stains all over you.

How do women do it?

Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t swap being with Daisy. But sometimes atinybreak would be nice.

To be fair, Nick did suggest taking it in turns at night. The trouble is, I’m the only one who can get Daisy to sleep. I think it’s because Nick’s an actor – he’s just too exciting. I’ve told him a million times that song and dance routines won’t help Daisy relax, but he never listens.

Wednesday January 7th

Poor little Daisy had a cold last night. ?

She woke up every two hours, all snuffly.

I was so worried I couldn’t sleep – I just lay next to her, checking she was still breathing.

I know I should nap today, but I just can’t seem to nod off. Plus I’ve nearly cracked level 50 on Candy Crush Saga.

5pm

Sooooooo tired. But can’t sleep.

8pm

Daisy has woken up.

She’s making all these cute little noises.

11pm

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