Page 79 of The Bad Mother's Diary

Friday August 14th

A bad, bad day.

Went into town to buy stuff for Daisy and my bank card didn’t work.

The lady in the bank said, ‘Your account has been frozen, Mrs Jolly Piggy.’

I told her I wasn’t Mrs Jolly Piggy. I was Mr Jolly-Piggott’s ex-girlfriend. And the money in the account was mine.

After a bit of wrangling (well – shouting), she got the manager – a spotty teenager in a suit three sizes too big for him.

He said there was nothing they could do. The account was frozen four days ago and no one could access funds until ‘assets are divided’.

‘But it’smymoney,’ I said.

‘The account was in his name,’ said the manager, over and over again.

In the end, he asked if I could accept a Smedley’s Bank teddy bear as an apology.

I told him if he could give me five thousand bears and let me sell them outside the bank, we had a deal.

Saturday August 15th

Spent all day in the bank shouting at people and trying to call Nick.

When Nick finally answered the phone, he sounded all suspicious.

‘Ye-es?’

The bloody cheek of it. Like he didn’t know why I was calling.

I shouted at him about the bank account and needing to buy things for Daisy.

He said his mother and the solicitor had made him freeze the account.

When I asked him what happened to the money, he said no one could access it until ‘legal shit is sorted out’.

As I was screaming at him, I heard a woman in the background at his end.

‘Who’s with you?’ I asked.

A horrible silence.

AndthenI heard Sadie’s loud, posh voice.‘Nick darling, how do I look in this dress? Pregnant and stylish or pregnant and fat?’

Before I knew it, I’d thrown my phone at Smedley’s Bank window.

A guy in an army jacket shouted, ‘Yeah! Smash the fat cats!’

When I got home, I told Mum and Dad about the bank account.

I said, ‘What am I going to do?’

Dad said, ‘Your mum will take you out this afternoon and get everything you need. Just write a list.’

I started crying. I said, ‘You already look after Brandi and Callum. It’s bad enough I’m living with you.’

Dad said it was fine. He said it would be a good opportunity to economise and re-evaluate their spending.

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