Page 8 of The Bad Mother's Diary

This is a new beginning for Nick and I. A commitment to family life. We should celebrate with fun and laughter, not some formal silk-tablecloth nonsense.

When Mum arrived, she’d bought me some bits from the wholesale supermarket: 2000 teabags, five litres of washing up liquid and a lemon torte that said ‘serves 50’.

The torte wouldn’t fit in the fridge, so Mum cut us a big slice each for ‘elevenses’, then sawed up the rest and filled every fridge shelf and half the freezer.

After that, she showed me how to clean the toilet with her ‘Wonder Woman technique’ (squirting half a bottle of bleach over everything and blasting it off with the shower), threw Daisy around and sang ‘YMCA’ with all the hand movements.

Quite a few passersby stared through the big glass window at her dancing, but Mum never cares what people think. If she did, she wouldn’t wear leopard and zebra prints at the same time.

Before she left, Mum asked if I had a spare feather boa. She and her old school friends are dressing up in ’70s clothes to watch theMamma Miamusical.

Mum absolutely can’t wait. She’s already ordered silver platform boots from eBay.

Saturday January 10th

January sales shopping with Laura and Brandi today.

We stopped for coffee at Barnes and Noble – skinny decaf for me, espresso for Laura and a big frothy whipped strawberry thing for Brandi (bloody twenty-one-year-olds – Brandi is skinny as anything and eats exactly what she likes).

Then we looked at books (well, Laura and I did. Brandi browsed magazines, then moaned that book shops were BORING).

I browsed the diet section. I used to think diets were bullshit, but that’s before I had a baby. Really would like to lose a bit of weight before the wedding.

There were so many diet books to choose from:

Fat Around the Middle(But I’m fateverywhere!)

The 5:2 Diet(Can’t starve myself two days a week, I might pass out when I’m carrying Daisy upstairs or something.)

The Atkins Diet(There’s that bad breath rumour …)

Weight Watchers(Sarah Ferguson did it and, without sounding horrible, she’s still fat.)

The Slow Carb Diet(Ugh, who likes beans?)

Bought theFood Gurubook in the end.

Healthy, sensible eating. No fads or false promises. But youcouldlose ten pounds in a week …

Sunday January 11th

Went to Regent’s Park with Althea and baby Wolfgang today.

Wolfgang is twelve months old, but he looks much older. He has one menacing front tooth and can snap a bundle of twenty coffee stirrers in half.

I love Althea. She’s the most laid-back parent I know. Not many first-time mums would drive their baby around on a moped.

Althea lives in a big, rambling Victorian house in Bethnal Green. It’s worth a fortune, but you’d never guess because Althea has decorated it in what she calls, ‘kindergarten fusion style’.

Her artistic vision is lost on me, though – all I see is a lot of sprayed silver egg boxes and Wolfgang’s handprints.

Today, Althea wore her big Afghan coat, Jackie O shades and bright red cowboy boots. Her curly gypsy hair was tied with a fluorescent yellow ribbon.

Althea’s laugh is just brilliant. It could break plates. She sort of goes, ‘Nah, nah, nah!’ and shows all her teeth.

From some angles, Althea looks atinybit like a frog. But a pretty one. With a temper.

Wolfgang was dressed in a little blue mod suit. God knows where Althea found that. It gave him a slightly sinister ‘Brighton Rock’ air – especially when he was pulling kids off the roundabout.

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