Page 91 of The Bad Mother's Diary

Just a few things.

A baby princess outfit. A rag dolly and alphabet blanket. Mini ballet shoes and tutu, baby tiara, personalised dressing gown with her name on it, personalised hooded bath towel (that came half-price with the dressing gown). A silver christening bracelet and necklace. And then a few toys – a Noah’s ark playset, pull-along horsey, V-tech baby walker (that’s pretty much an essential – every baby seems to have one). And then some bath things – splash fun dolphin, Mr Bubbles penguin and a baby grooming kit.

Dad lectured me about how spoiled babies are these days. He grew up with one broken train set and a single football boot, both of which he had to share with his brothers.

Thursday September 3rd

Whenever I think of Nick, I get this sort of aching in my chest. It’s not exactly that I miss him. But … we were together so long.

It’s weird not having him around. It feels a bit like having a leg missing. Except it turns out that leg was kicking me up the arse this whole time …

Friday September 4th

The paternity test arrived today.

Mum tried to smash it up with a beer tap wrench, but I stopped her.

The instructions made the test sound sophisticated, but really it was just a giant cotton bud.

I suppose at least it’s over and done with now.

Saturday September 5th

Daisy’s birthday.

Should have been a lovely day, but got all worked up about Nick not calling. I thought at least Helen might call on his behalf. But nothing.

Nick sent presents – a robot dog that you can train with your voice and an ankle-length velvet dress (I know Helen chose that last one because it’s hideous). But that’s not the same as actually seeing Daisy in person.

Waited until 8pm, then phoned Nick to say he was a shit bag who missed his daughter’s birthday.

Nick whispered that today had been difficult.

In the background, I could hear Sadie screeching that she wanted ‘Freshfucking grapefruit juice, not the crap from concentrate.’

I think Daisy liked my presents. She got a bit irritated in the baby princess outfit and kept pulling off the bracelet and necklace. But she gave the walker a good chew and butted her head against the Mr Bubbles penguin.

Mum bought Daisy a Swarovski crystal pacifier that lit up different colours. And a big frilly baby bonnet with roses all over it.

Brandi made a birthday cake covered with bright red ready roll icing.

Laura got Daisy a lovely tasteful dress, tights and shoes from Marks and Spencer.

Althea gave us a rainbow cardigan and some jangly bells on a stick.

All in all, I think Daisy had a good day. Luckily she’s too young to know that her dad has shacked up with the bridesmaid.

Sunday September 6th

Woo!

Mum won the bingo last night and wants to buy a ‘family memory’.

So she’s taking us on an all-inclusive holiday.

She told Dad, ‘See. It pays to gamble.’

Dad put on his glasses, got out his calculator and added up everything Mum’s spent on bingo over the last ten years. It was enough to buy three holidays.

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