Page 100 of Love or Your Money Back

Grudgingly, I take the papers. ‘What is this? I already know you’re offering me your Big Voice shares for a ridiculously low sum –’

‘This has nothing to do with Big Voice,’ says Freddy. ‘Just read.’

I scan text. ‘This is an offer of …’ My eyes widen. ‘Ofmarriage. Goodgod, Freddy. You do know I’m marrying Chris today, right? This is no time for jokes.’

‘It’s no joke. Keep reading.’

I do.

‘Mr Freddy Stark offers Ms Katerina Friedman marriage, with a lifetime guarantee. The offer includes a wedding, residence of the Client’s choosing and generous financial provision for life, matched to the rate of inflation. The first six months will be a trial period, during which time Mr Stark must prove to Ms Friedman that he can deliver on his promises of love and metaphorical fireworks ...’

I look up. ‘Freddy. This isn’t funny.’

‘Of course it’s not funny,’ says Freddy. ‘My legal team drew it up. There isn’t a funny bone between them.’

‘You’re asking me to marry you?’

‘Better than that,’ says Freddy. ‘I’m asking you to marry me with a lifetime guarantee. People trot out those ‘til death I do part’ vows in church, but there’s no legal obligation to stay married forever. This is different. I’m committing to you for the rest of my life. Legally. It’s the opposite of a prenup.Andyou can cancel at any time. See?’

Freddy indicates a paragraph at the bottom of the page that says:

‘No commitment needed. Cancel at any time with all legal fees paid by the other party.’

I look up. ‘You’re crazy.’

‘Nope. I just know how to put a good offer together.’ Freddy reaches into the envelope and pulls out a sparkling emerald ring. ‘And this could be the deal breaker.’

I stare.

‘A little piece of the Emerald City,’ says Freddy. ‘Well, a big piece. Eighteen carats. Vintage 1930s, made the same year theWizard of Ozwas published.’ Freddy holds the ring out to me. ‘I had it inscribed too. Take a look.’

Against my better judgement, I take the ring and read the words etched inside the gold band:

Love, or your money back.

I fight a smile. The smile wins.

‘Let’s see if it fits.’ Freddy takes my hand. ‘In sales, we call this the puppy dog close. Take the puppy home. If you don’t like it, bring it back. Of course, the hope is you fall in love with the puppy. Maybe you’ll feel the same way when you see this ring on your finger.’

‘You are quite something, Freddy Stark. Do you know that?’

‘Yeah, I know.’ Freddy slides the gold band on my finger. ‘Well, look at that. Perfect fit.’

The smile takes over my whole face. ‘I have to hand it to you, Freddy. You are an excellent salesperson.’

‘Oh yeah –’

‘Hey. HEY!’ Chris strides towards us, rolling a tartan suitcase behind him. He has combined an Aaron jumper and flapping kilt with Adidas trainers and a baseball cap and has the air of a mental asylum about him. ‘What are you doing with my fiancée? Letgoof her hand –’

I drop my hand from Freddy’s, eyes softening. ‘Chris.’

Chris slows to a stop. ‘What isFreddy Starkdoing here?’

I swallow. ‘Chris, I’m sorry. I really am. But I can’t marry you. I’m worth more.’

Chris’s eyes bulge. ‘But everything is booked. I paid an extra eighty pounds for a Travel Lodge plus room for our wedding night. Five extra square metres of space, plus free highland shortbread biscuits and a Nespresso machine. And the train tickets are non-refundable.’

‘I’ll pay you back.’ Freddy gives Chris a hearty slap on the shoulder.

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