Page 28 of Love or Your Money Back

SLAP!

Indira slaps Freddy’s other cheek. ‘But I forgive you, because you’ve raised a lot of money for my charities and introduced me to Donatello Versace.’ Indira comes to walk a full circle around me on her long limbs, looking down her stately nose and letting out a low whistle. She has the kind of classic face that looks like it’s been etched out of rock. And right now, that rock is displeased.

‘Good god, we have a lot to do.’ Indira clicks her fingers. ‘Roberto. Get this woman a robe.’ She turns to me. ‘Into the dressing room. You will take everything off. Including whatever shabby underwear you have on. Let the burning commence.’

I open my mouth, then decide to close it again.

‘ROBERTO!’ Indira clicks her fingers at the frightened man, poised behind her like a ball boy. ‘Bring me the Dior rail. And the Chanel rail. Oh, just bring me all the rails. HURRY UP! Must I ask for everything three times? And order us some lunch. Duck and lettuce rolls from Lavoy’s and a fruit platter without grapes.’ She glances at Freddy. ‘What are you still doing here? Get out. I’ll call you when she’s ready.’

CHAPTER18

Three hours later, I’ve tried on an obscene amount of clothing. Probably more different sets of clothing than I’ve ever worn in my life. Indira moves around me, pinning, pulling and adjusting.

I wear underwear that holds me in and pushes me out in all the right places and a bright-green jumpsuit so exquisitely tailored that it feels like I’m wearing nothing at all. Additionally, I am decorated with a vegan-leather bucket bag, silver wrist cuff, kitten-heeled ankle boots and subtle day makeup. I’m also wearing vegan high heels from somebody called Jimmy Choo, who I know is an expensive designer because I’ve read Sex and the City.

My eyebrows have been shaped (not plucked, shaped), I am wearing subtle, but beautiful day makeup and Indira has loosened my hair and put something called ‘product’ in it. The ‘product’ is unspecified, but it has stopped my hair from escaping from an elegant bun thing at the nape of my neck.

I have also eaten five lettuce-wrapped duck rolls, which were both healthy and satisfying.

‘There’s still a lot to do,’ says Indira. ‘The hair salon, for one. You need a moisturising protein treatment as a matter of urgency. And your nails require a lot of care. Those nail beds.’ She makes a tutting sound. ‘We’ll have to start again tomorrow.’

‘I don’t have time tomorrow –’

‘MAKE TIME!’ Indira barks. ‘Now, one last thing for today. We have handled tailoring, cocktail dresses, gloves, hats and formal attire. But you’ll need a hat for Ascot.’

‘Ascot?’ I blink rapidly.

Indira gives me a long, hard look. ‘Any lady looking for a husband should go to Ascot.’

‘But Ascot is for society’s winners, Indira. I have MS –’

‘Stephen Hawking can neither walk nor talk,’ Indira barks. ‘Beethoven wasdeaf. And I, one of the world’s most famous models, have anger issues and extremely wide feet. You think society’s winners don’t have their crosses to bear?’

‘Um …’

‘I will order you an oversized hat,’ Indira announces. ‘And I have the perfect dress fabric in mind. To celebrate your literary credentials.’ Indira waves long fingers at Roberto. ‘YOU! Am I paying you to stand around? Bag up the clothes, shoes, bags, hats, belts and underwear. And call a milliner. We need a one-of-a-kind hat for Ascot. Then call a courier to deliver everything to Katerina’s home address. Come.’ Indira clicks her fingers at me. ‘The mirror.’

‘I don’t like being clicked at –’

‘SHUT UP AND LOOK AT YOUR REFLECTION.’

Grudgingly, I move towards the full-length mirror.

I stare for a moment, completely overcome. Then a smile creeps onto my face. Goodgod.

‘Is this me?’ I breathe. ‘Is it really me?’

Indira stands behind me, also smiling. ‘It is you, darling. Showing off your best self, as every human being should. Now this outfit is part of your everyday collection. Perfect for the office where, from what I understand, you spend a lot of time.’

‘I’m not sure I can wear high heels to the office every day –’

‘You can and you will.’

‘The thing is, Indira, sometimes I struggle with balance –’

‘I have a famous actress friend with MS,’ Indira snaps. ‘I designed her a Swarovski crystal cane just a few months ago. She wears high heels everywhere and uses her cane for balance. If she can do that on a red carpet with cameras snapping away, you can do it at the office.’

‘Everyone’s MS is different –’

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