Page 41 of Love or Your Money Back

Marcus also asked if I had dated, or would date, Ahmet, because he ‘liked to know the size and scope of the competition.’

When I said yes, I had dated Ahmet the previous evening, Marcus grilled me for details, including the location and duration of the date and the exact type of vegan parmesan. It was all very impressive. I’m sure Marcus’s interrogation skills serve him well in contentious legal scenarios.

Having ascertained that I liked roses and the colour yellow, Marcus gave me two dozen beautiful buttercup-yellow roses on our date. He also gave me a high-end tub of vegan parmesan – this, I suspect, to outdo Ahmet. But as previously mentioned, I love real cheese.

Very considerately, Marcus picked me up from my house in a chauffeur-driven car and greeted me at my door with the flowers and vegan cheese, noting that this way I wouldn’t have to carry them around on our date. Which was very considerate. As he quite rightly pointed out, cheese does start to smell in the heat, even if it’s made with coconut oil.

On the date, Marcus surprised me with a modern Japanese restaurant, Sushi Samba. Marcus said he needed a ‘show-stopping’ location to beat my Italian cooking experience. And it certainly was a show-stopping location. Sushi Samba is 38 stories high and accessed by a fast-moving lift with a view of the street.

Hence the fear of heights question.

Packaging and Presentation: Marcus was immaculate in a suit, tie and shiny shoes for our date, just as you may expect from someone who dresses up every day for work. I found it interesting to note that ordinarily, I would have felt myself a ‘poor fit’ for a man like Marcus. My previous packaging wouldn’t have looked right, either next to Marcus or at a restaurant like Sushi Samba. Which convinces me that I needed a makeover, Freddy. And also, that I should visit environments where I can meet nice, responsible men with stable incomes who will be reliable husbands and fathers.

Attractiveness and appeal: Marcus is extremely good-looking, fit and smells like heaven. You’d have to be blind and nasally impaired not to be attracted to him. If he didn’t work in law, I’m pretty sure he could have a career as an Olympic athlete. He looks like a chiselled god.

Funnily enough, Marcus thinks he’s short. This is ridiculous, since he’s actually over six foot tall. But I think school memories have scarred him. Marcus said he was picked on for being a ‘short arse’ at Eton, because most of the other boys were nearing seven feet.

Clarity of product information: Marcus was an attentive listener and asked me lots of questions about myself. Again, I’m sure his legal training was useful here. I did manage to find out a few things about him. He has a younger sister whom he adores. His father is a knight of the realm and has a seat in the House of Lords. And his mother was the first British black woman to run the Royal Ballet Company.

When I asked Marcus what Eton was like he said it was, ‘like the worst hotel I ever stayed in’. Apparently, people used to play cricket in the hallways whilst he tried to study, and the scent of marijuana hung heavy in the air.

I was tempted to launch into a whole discussion about boarding school and privilege, but I didn’t. I put aside my more judgemental side, and in doing so, found out that Marcus is in fact a really decent person. Coming from a fancy background doesn’t mean you don’t have morals. That is a prejudice.

Eco-friendliness: Marcus gets ten out of ten for eco-friendliness. He has his country estate where he lets the grass grow wild for bio-diversity. But he also talked about his Victorian townhouse in Richmond, which has been insulated and fitted with eco-tech, including ‘the biggest raft of solar panels on the street’. Marcus says there is very little, if any, financial saving in retro-fitting a Victorian townhouse, but he wanted to prove that an old, beautiful house could be carbon neutral and ‘bugger the cost’.

Responsiveness and accessibility: Marcus messaged me immediately after the date to tell me how much he enjoyed my company. He gave me his email, home phone, work phone and personal iPhone number. So I would say he is now very accessible to me.

Problem resolution efficiency: There weren’t any problems to resolve on our date, because Marcus planned everything so well. So you could say he was a highly effective problem solver, as he predicted any likely difficulties and solved them beforehand. An example: Marcus packed three different types of umbrella in his chauffeured car in case it rained on our date. The different types were to match different intensities of rain, wind speed and the population density of the area to be traversed.

If bringing three umbrellas on a date isn’t gentlemanly, I don’t know what is.

Areas of improvement: Marcus could be a little more relaxed, I suppose, but it was our first date so formality is to be expected. Sometimes, I had to explain jokes to him a few times before he laughed. Again, I’m hoping that in time, when we get to know each other better, he will understand that I make jokes quite a lot.

Ease of use: The whole date was seamless. I didn’t want for anything. Everything was taken care of. I had a nice time.

Durability: I suspect Marcus to be an extremely durable person. But as before, I can’t comment on that just yet.

Overall Impression: Very positive.

Likelihood to recommend the product to others: I will also be seeing Marcus at Royal Ascot. He has invited me to his private box. Again, no pun intended.

Summary of both products

Ahmet and Marcus are both excellent contenders for matrimony. But don’t worry, Freddy. I will not ask either of them to marry me. I will wait to be asked. But … how long will I have to wait, do you think?

CHAPTER28

Freddy always thought he’d hold up pretty well under torture. He imagined himself offering James-Bond-style quips like, ‘That boiling oil isn’t nearly hot enough.’ But reading Kat’s product review forms prove he will never make an international spy. Because the data is torturous and he is very close to letting out an unmanly scream when he reads:

How long will I have to wait, do you think?

Freddy throws his expensive pen across the room. It bounces off the glass wall but, being a very expensive pen, refuses to do the satisfying thing of breaking.

Kat still doesn’t get it. She’s only been on one date with Ahmet and Marcus, yet she’s ready to run down the aisle with either one of them. She looks the part, but on the inside, she still doesn’t understand what she’s worth.

‘Is everything okay, Mr Salt?’ Tim appears in the doorway, wearing his usual corduroy jacket and ironed, dark blue jeans. Tim has a scarred face, shaved head and is very heterosexual – a deliberate choice on Freddy’s part. Single, female assistants have cost him a fortune in redundancy packages over the years.

‘Not really.’ Freddy rubs his forehead. ‘Me and Kat are getting along too well, Tim. That’s the trouble. I want the best for her, and it’s conflicting with what’s best for the business.’

---