Page 128 of Now to Forever

He looks at me a long time.

He did.

“Archie told me when I moved back,” he says, squinting toward the sun. “He wasn’t sure how to tell you, so henever did.”

“Guess keeping secrets runs in the family,” I say, a shake in my voice as a cinderblock forms in my gut. “You have time for a drive?

I park outside the two-story house in the cookie-cutter subdivision and cut the engine. Merritt is unloading groceries and Blue helps, carrying four bags on each arm at a time and teetering with a laugh. He’s handsome. I always knew he would be.

“When I went on that hike in college,” I start, not looking away from the mom and son through the windshield, “there was this couple. He was twenty-one, she was twenty. They were just married. The hike was their honeymoon. I thought they were the dumbest pair of dipshits I’d ever heard of. Married so young?” I scoff. “What was the point? But over those two weeks I watched them. How adoring he was of her. Helping her with her backpack. Always putting her sleeping bag down first. When she got tired, he sat with her on a log. And I just thought,God, he reminds me of Ford. I thought it over and over. Thought it until I went crazy missing you.”

In the passenger seat, Ford’s grey sweatshirt makes his blue eyes look like the winter water of Lake Ledger as they bounce from the house to me. I pick my fingernails.

“I knew on that trip I was going to come out of those woods and ask you to marry me.” His eyes stop on me and go wide. If I wasn’t so focused on not vomiting, I’d laugh. “Icouldn’t not. I’d spent years refusing to be your girlfriend because I was stubborn, but the more time I spent away from you, the more I knew I never wanted to again. I could make a different life than where I came from. With you. I felt it.”

Ford swallows slowly, dropping his forearms to the dash and leaning forward in his seat, eyes on me.

“And then I came back, and not only was half my family dead, but you were gone. Every morning I woke up without you felt like being stabbed in the gut. But grief has a way of moving time in strange ways. Makes things hazy as a fever dream. Somehow, a month passed, two months . . . I realized I hadn’t had a period in a while. Figured it was the stress of it all.” Ford’s mouth opens slightly, understanding making him still as a statue. “But then I just knew—the way a mother does, I guess—I was pregnant. Two months already on that hike, four when I found out.”

At Ford’s shocked expression, I glance out the window; Merritt sees me and waves. I do the same.

“Your mom saw me in the grocery store once. She told me at Orchard Fest she never told you. My belly was so big there was no denying I was pregnant. She just stared at me and she knew. You were gone and I couldn’t raise a kid on my own. Wouldn’t put a kid through the disaster of my life. I had no degree, only just started working at the crematorium, and you made your decision when you left. I put the baby up for adoption with three conditions: I’d pick the family, the name, and always know where he lived.”

Emotion fills my voice as I look back to Ford. “I had a baby, Ford. A boy. And when he came out and I held him for thosefirst few minutes, he looked just like you.” The shock on Ford’s face morphs to something heavier—sadder. His eyes dart back to the window, tracking Blue. His son. “I wanted to keep him but knew if I did, I’d miss you every day for the rest of my life. I’d miss you so much I’d never get out of bed. He deserved better than that. Better than anything I could have given him.”

I sniff. Ford stares. Silence fills the Bronco.

“I named him Blue Callahan—his last name is Billings. That’s him.” I point to the house. Merritt’s gone; Blue’s outside on his phone laughing as he talks and paces around the driveway, oblivious to us. He’s smiling a lot; I wonder if it’s a girl. “Pieces of us all grown up.”

“Ours,” Ford finally says. One word meaning a million.

“He’s nineteen,” I fill in. “Played sports in high school. I went to some of his games. He got good grades. Goes to community college now. I know the parents but have never met him. Not sure I’d know what to say.”

Ford’s eyes stay on Blue.

I clear my throat. “Anyway, after I got the infection, the doctors told me there was too much damage to ever carry another baby. Which was fine, I never wanted to have another one. Seemed poetic.” I remember the doctor telling me the prognosis like it was yesterday; I didn’t even react. I simply said,okay. “I had one baby with the only man I’d ever love.”

I wonder if Ford notices that Blue walks like him or has my hair. If he can hear his laugh and recognizes it as his own.

When Ford’s eyes find mine, I brace myself for what comes next. Ford will end it, he has to, and I will let him. I’ll let him—because he and Wren deserve better than anything I can give—then I’ll fall apart, pick myself back up, and figure out what comes next.

“I hate that you went through this alone,” he says, clenching and unclenching his fists in his lap. “Hate that I didn’t know. But . . .” I suck in a breath. “I wouldn’t change it.”

My breath releases in a stunned gush. “Youwhat?”

His eyes swing between Blue and I. “I hate in our story I left. Hate that we missed him and each other. But even if I came back, we were in no condition to raise a baby, Scotty.” There’s no arguing with him, he’s right. “I might not have seen it then, but I sure as hell do now. And if life would’ve turned out any differently, I wouldn’t have Wren. Things happen the way they’re supposed to, you know?”

At his calm perspective, I am utterly gobsmacked.

“You aren’t mad?”

He laughs through a puff of air. “At who?”

“At who?” I almost yell. “At me!”

Ford chuckles and reaches his hand to my face, dragging his knuckles down my cheek. My arm. Finding my hand and kissing my thumb.

“God, no. I’m a million things but definitely not mad. I’m shocked. I’m . . . I don’t know, a little hurt I didn’t help make the decision, but I’m also the one that ran away first. Plus—” He pauses, watching Blue a few seconds. “He looks happy. I guess that makes me a little . . . okay.”

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