Page 36 of Clover

I found Nix’s stash and took the Harley. I only knew it was Harley because it was written on the plastic baggy. I knew it was the same stuff Braxton gave me, and I wanted to feel good. I wanted to replace what Braxton made me feel with real pleasure and desire. Not forced false arousel. Replacing the disgust with happiness.

As soon as it hit my system, that’s exactly what I felt. Unencumbered, unable to feel the negative emotions and replaced them with bliss and pleasure. Nix took the Harley too. He didn’t have to, but he did. Riding the crazy train right along with me.I wonder if he can teach me to enjoy recreational drugs without getting addicted?Or if I’ll always be an addict. Jonesing for my next fix relentlessly seeking it out.

My mind is whirling with questions, and honestly, I’m freaking the fuck out a little.

“I can hear you thinking,” Nix mumbles into my hair.

“What? I’m not thinking. I’m just laying here sleeping. You must be dreaming.”

“Ha, ha, ha.” His low chuckle is gravelly and filled with sleep. His arms flex and tighten around me, holding me in place. His nose nuzzling the back of my neck and sending a warm shiver down my spine. For a long moment, we’re silent in the quiet of his room. Unsure of what to say and what to do. After the last couple of days, everything inside me is twisted and knotted into a ball so tight I’m sure every muscle in my body is constantly tense.

“You okay?” Nix’s voice is low and soft, his lips against my neck a gentle reminder of his concern.

“I don’t really know,” I answer honestly. A delayed tightening of his arm around my waist tells me he doesn’t know what to say either. We lay there silent, both of us unsure where to go from here. Me wanting to hide in my closet from shame and embarrassment, him from the lack of experience dealing with a girlfriend.Girlfriend.I’m Nix’s girlfriend, and right now, all I want to do is run away from him.

The thick band of muscle around my body, however, isn’t letting me move one inch. Behind me, Nix’s bulky body shifts, and the warmth and protection it afforded me leaves a cool chill in its absence.

“Clover.” His hand gently tries to nudge me to roll over and face him. I don’t. “Clover, please look at me.”

The last thing I want to do is look at him, and I shake my head as I burrow closer to my pillow.

“Why not?”

“I just, can’t. Not after everything.” My admission is barely a whisper. The words choking in my throat. “How am I supposed to look you in the eye after what I’ve done? After what Braxtondidto me? How can you even stand to look at me without cringing?”

“What the hell Clover? I could never look at you like that.” A sliver of irritation laces his words. This time when he reaches out for me, he doesn’t let me pull away, gently forcing me to roll over and look up at him. Cupping my face and rubbing soft circles on my cheek with his thumb. “Why would you say that?”

“Because it’s true. I’m a fucking disaster. Tainted, addicted to pills. Why would anyone want me?” A fat tear rolls down my face and is caught by his thumb, brushing it away before it drips from my temple. My heart is cracking on the inside with the pressure of his stare. Nix isn’t a relationship guy. He doesn’t do commitment and real-life responsibilities. His love life is easy, girls. One time and gone, girls. Not hot mess girls that allow themselves to be taken advantage of. Not addicts that relapse and complicate his life. He may have called me his girlfriend, fought to rescue me, but he won’t stick around, not after finding out that beneath the bright smile and confidence is a broken and beaten pathetic little girl.

There’s no way after what he’s seen and knows that he really wants more with me. Right now, he’s probably figuring out a way to tell me to get the fuck out and don’t let the door hit me on my defiled ass on the way out.

The tremors are back. Rattling my body to my bones. Coming down from the high, sprinting through every emotion known to man, making my body vibrate as more tears spill from my eyes. Nix is blurry now, the film of salty water coating the world in the evidence of my agony. There’s a shift and dip of the mattress as he moves, then I can feel him lifting me, pulling me into this lap. I’d try to pull away if I could, but my muscles are raw and weak. There’s no way I could even sit up right now if he weren’t holding me. He’s muttering something while stroking my hair. Comforting me with his giant body and even bigger heart.

For the second time in our short relationship, I break down in his arms. Unwanted sobs wrack my body, but not for nearly as long as they did when I broke down after the pool incident. This time I’m able to pull my shit together and suck it up. His grip doesn’t loosen on me, keeping my naked body cuddled close to his naked body. Since we never got dressed after last night.

“No one’s perfect, Clover. I’m certainly not. I slept with every girl that caught my eye and then discarded her before learning her last name. Sometimes her first. My family sells drugs and guns. I’ve hurt people, killed people. There are scars on my body and soul that will always be there. Taking a few pills to dull the pain and make you feel better doesn’t make you a bad person. For fucks sake, I do it all the time. If you want to snort blow or party with molly, I’ll be right there next to you along for the ride.” He thankfully leaves out Braxton and my stint as his sex pet. Leaning down, he presses his cheek against the top of my head, nuzzling my hair and taking in a deep inhale before he continues with the words that cut straight to my heart. “It doesn’t make me love you any less. Because I do. I can’t fucking stop myself. You make me feel things I never thought I could. Never thought I would ever deserve from anyone. I’m the biggest asshole on the planet, and you decided I was worth more. I was worthy of you. I’m not afraid of anything, but when he took you, I was scared out of my goddamn mind. That I wouldn’t find you in time, that I’d never see you again. That I wouldn’t ever be able to tell the only woman I’ve ever loved that she slapped the stupid out of me enough for me to see that I wasn’t living. I was just existing. You sparked me to life, Clover. Without you, I’d still be a walking sex corpse.”

I can’t help the chuckle in my chest. I don’t think anyone has ever referred to themselves as a sex corpse. I just picture Nix in zombie makeup, seducing a zombie girl. Maybe she’s even me.Were we both zombies in our own right, just existing? Not living?I know I didn’t feel like I was living before I came to North Carolina. Before I saw him lying in this very bed that first night we met. Scowling and cocky as only a man as hot as him can be.

There are no words I can say that can match his declaration. A declaration that I’m not sure he truly understands. I know he just told me he loves me, but I can’t say the words. I can’t allow myself to believe he does love me. Nix doesn’t know what it is to love. Everything that comes along with that baggage. The long nights, the arguments and disagreements, the tears and sadness. All that he’ll have to give up being with me. All that he’ll have to deal with if he really does love me.

I don’t realize it, but I’m shaking my head in disagreement, trying to push away from him.

“Oh no, you don’t.” He shifts my legs, and I find myself straddling a naked Nix. My most intimate parts exposed to him. Not that he hasn’t seen them, felt them, tasted them. Now though, being this bare in front of him causes a blush to creep up my body. Nix doesn’t notice or care. Pulling me flush against his groin and bare chest. Pressing our sex together. My breasts squished between us. I fit against him like he’s my other half. Like I was broken and missing a chunk of myself, and he’s that chunk. It’s all too much.

“You may not be able to tell me you love me right now, but I know you do. And one day, I’ll make you admit it to me.” Sliding one strong hand behind my neck, I feel his lips brush mine before I see him make the move. Soft, plump lips caress mine coaxing me to respond and press into him. His mouth moves over mine, seducing me, compelling me to submit and give in. There’s nothing I can dobutsubmit to his kiss. Deep and longing, filled with new and uninhibited passion. Similar to how he kissed me that very first time in the den. Overflowing with emotions that he didn’t know what to do with or how to control.

He knows what to do with them now. The kiss is not timid or hesitant. Nix demands my love for him in the form of this kiss. Slipping his tongue through my lips and tangling with my own. Wrapping an arm around my waist and securely fixing his hand over my bare ass. Pressing me down into the growing erection directly below me. His insatiable appetite for me fills one of the many holes in my heart put there by Braxton.

Before we get too lost in the rapidly accelerating make-out session, I break the kiss and pull back enough to suck in a breath. Resting my forehead against his. I don’t pull away or try to escape his embrace. No matter how much I want to run away and hide, I also never want to leave. To stay forever in this bubble we’ve created. Then I ruin it with my big mouth.

“I don’t know how to love. I’ve been broken for so long. Pills are the only way I know how to feel. The only way to replace the anxiety and fear with something else.” I’ve never admitted to anyone, not even my sponsor, how empty I feel inside until I take the pills. At first, I used them to remove my emotions to numb everything, so I didn’t have to feel. Later I didn’t know any other feeling except the emptiness. After everyone was gone, the sadness gone, the fear gone. I was left empty, hollow. Then, taking the pills was the only way to feel. Now, I can feel Nix filling the void, and it scares me. To be so dependent on another to feel whole. Only to lose them and create a bigger crater where they once lived in your heart.

“Honestly, I don’t really know how to love either.” His self-deprecating chuckle eases my tension. “But I’m willing to learn for you. And I think I have something that can help with the wholeanxietything.”

His eyes twinkle with mischief and humor. I glance down at his hard cock, eagerly pressing into me between us. He laughs again, this time lighter, easier.

“Not that. But I’m more than happy to accommodate you if that’s what you need.” When I bring my eyes to meet his, they’re soft and his smile so easy and warm. Lifting the weight crushing my heart and allowing me to breathe once again.

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