Page 37 of Clover

“Come on. I’ll show you.”

Nix and I put on clothes enough to be considered ‘dressed,’ him in lounge pants and me in one of his oversized shirts. Then he takes me to the balcony that we christened last night and teaches me how to smoke weed in a pipe and a joint. Telling me, it’ll help with the jitters and anxiety. It’ll calm me down when I’m itching for a fix but won’t cause me to go completely numb. Then he gives me the pipe and weed, placing them back in the small wooden box it came from.

What’s different with Nix helping me over a sponsor or NA is that he doesn’t tell me to stop using drugs. Letting me know that if I ever want to get high, I can. He’ll even get high with me. Ride the wave and fall off the edge by my side. As long as we do it together. Not living in fear of it and allowing others to tell me I shouldn’t. Life is meant to be enjoyed and experienced. Not tip-toed through without ever feeling or cracking a few eggs along the way. However, I’mnotallowed downers or painkillers unless I’m in actual pain. Like missing a limb pain.

Only the good shit for recreation and enjoyment.Or so he says.

We spend the rest of the day in each other’s arms. No sex or fucking. Just being. Filling the silence with soft whispers and even softer kisses. Cocooned in a moment of reprieve from the world outside. Watching the trees sway in the fall breeze and the sunset over their tops from his balcony. Curled up in a large lounge chair, a fuzzy flannel blanket draped over us, where I fall asleep. Wrapped up in him, in us. In the possible future, we have together. Now that we’ve found each other.

Chapter 20

Clover

Beau, Rosie, and Lily have taken it upon themselves to watch over me every second of the day now whenever they aren’t working. It’s kind of cute and sweet to know they care about me enough to be here. To keep me sane and try to help me get back to normal. Even though I’m still scared shitless to step outside the house any farther than the back patio. And don’t even ask me to go in the garage. I still can’t go in there without breaking into a cold sweat.

It’s getting better, though. It’s been a few days since the whole getting high and fucking Nix six ways from Sunday and then having an epic meltdown once I came down. But the day after we spent together, forgetting about anyone and anything except for us, was perfect. Realigning myself and setting my mind straight to allow me to move forward. Granted slowly but still forward. Sometimes I still feel contaminated by Braxton, but Nix never allows me to fall down that hole very far before pulling me out.

Showing me with his touch and affection that I am not dirty, and he most definitely is still completely obsessed with me and my ass. Nothing would stop him from having me every moment of every day if he had his way. And he does have me, just not every second of the day. Not for lack of trying on his part. He won’t stop touching me whenever he’s within reach. It’s soothing, and I can feel myself emerging from the fog I was under.

Today is the first day since my liberation from the penthouse prison that Nix will leave me. He says he has a few things he needs to take care of, but he’ll be back in a few hours. Leaving me with Rosie, Lily, and a very uncharacteristically quiet Zander. He still wears his good-hearted smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Not to mention he doesn’t participate in any of our conversations. Just sits in the armchair pretending to watch tv. I can tell his mind is a million miles away and nowhere near the show playing on the flat screen. I wonder what he’s thinking about? Someone as lighthearted and huggable as him sinking this far into his thoughts must mean they’re pretty intense.

“So, I thought today we could go for a walk and get some fresh air.”

“Excuse me?” I don’t think I heard Lily right. She wants me to go for a walk. Outside?

“Yeah, you need to get out. Get some sunshine. Your skin is starting to look like a transparent jellyfish.” Rosie pokes at my extremely pale forearm sticking out from my rolled-up sleeve.

“Maybe I like looking like a jellyfish. They’re cute and squishy.” I make a squishy face trying to be adorable, so I can distract them from wanting to go for a walk.

“I don’t think so.” Rosie chides me. “You can’t distract us that easily. We’re going outside, and you’re getting some fresh air and sunshine. It’ll do you some good. Let’s go, sweet cheeks.”

Hustling me off the kitchen stool, she pushes me towards the foyer. Distracting me by using Nix’s nickname to get me that far. My groaning protests are met with squinty-eyed glowers from Rosie and a determined eyebrow lift from Lily.

“Zander, help me. Tell them I don’t need to go outside.Please.” I manage to escape their grasp enough to cling on to Zander’s arm. Pouting with a big bottom lip as I try to convince him to back me up on this. He doesn’t fall for it.

“Nah, I think they’re right. You can’t stay cooped up in here forever. The weather is perfect outside for an afternoon stroll. I think we should go.”

“Traitor. Why are you always siding with them?” I stomp my foot like a two-year-old. This is the second time he’s turned on me. Mental note; never run to Zander for back up he’ll only hand me over to his cousins eagerly.

“I am not. I just happen to agree with them. Some sunshine never hurt anyone.”

“Ughh. Fine, I’ll go outside. But I can’t promise I’ll go any farther than the end of the driveway.” That should be enough to satisfy them since the driveway is like five miles long.

They both give me a ‘that’s what you think’look. I don’t think we’ll stop at the end of the driveway, but I still let them push me out the front door. The early autumn sun is high in the sky and starting to decline back to earth. A small sprinkling of white fluffy clouds accompanies the unassuming sun. It’s about three o’clock, and the weather is warm but not boiling hot anymore now that summer is slowly receding and autumn is taking over. The leaves on the trees are even starting to change colors. Darkening to reds from green. Eventually, not too long from now, they’ll be orange, red, and yellow. Coating the city in warm tones welcoming us into fall.

It’s hard to believe I’ve already been living in North Carolina for close to three months. More has happened in those three months than in the past year. Strange how one bad day that ended with me passed out in a bar has led to this. I try to focus on all the amazing changes coming here has done to my life. It’s better than thinking about the one bad thing that still looms over my head. Focusing on the bar, Beau, Rosie, and Lily. My colored in tattoo, the pastries from Cherry’s bakery. Sunday family brunches, and Nix. The conundrum that is my love life. So bizarre and yet so right.

Rosie and Lily both flank me on either arm and hold on. Most likely so I don’t turn around and bolt back to the house. Even if I did, when I glance back over my shoulder, I catch sight of Zander stalking behind us. With a sly grin, he winks and me and shoves his hands in his pockets. Well, at least he’s following behind to keep an eye out. Which makes me feel slightly less panicked.

The gravel and fallen leaves crunch under my flip-flops as we make our way slowly down the driveway. It’s not actually five miles long, but it’s a good hundred yards or so. The house sits deep inside Nix’s property. Which I appreciate. I’m a big fan of personal space and privacy. After sharing a two-bedroom apartment with three other girls for a year, I can’t get enough space.

Everything starts out fine. I even get twenty feet from the house before a cold sweat begins to form on my brow. I start to feel resistance in Rosie and Lily’s hold on my elbows, which either means they’re trying to pull me or I’m trying to pull them. Whichever it may be, I’m not the only one who notices.

Both sisters slow but don’t stop, watching me carefully. Their hands on my arms were firm but not forceful, conveying their faith in me. Filling me with their Colton strength. Just enough to get me to the end of the drive, and as I predicted, they keep going. Since I’m not breaking down crying and running in fear, I keep going as well. Still sweating, but that could be because I’m wearing one of Nix’s black knit sweaters.

I dug it out of his closet yesterday and have decided I’m going to live in it for the rest of my life. There are soft leather elbow patches on each sleeve which rest almost at my wrists, and the hem is long enough to be considered a dress on me. So, I paired it with a pair of grey leggings.

“See. You’re doin’ great. Doesn’t the sun feel nice?” Rosie turns her face upward to the sun soaking in its warmth, a relaxed smile on her lips. Beau told me she was a wreck while I was gone. Crying her eyes out and my heart swells for the woman beside me who is like the sister I never had and always pretended was given up for adoption and now have found years later.

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