Page 33 of Seven+Four

“Work on my research?” It’s more a question than a statement.

“That’s work. I’m talking about pleasure. About that something that makes you shudder with anticipation and urge you to let go of everything else.” She smiles expectantly.

“I…I th-think it’s pain.” I squeeze my eyes closed after the admission. It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud, and I’m terrified.

Linda doesn’t make me wait long. “I’m pretty sure you don’t mean causing pain. So it’s being in pain.”

I keep my eyes down as I nod, the gesture is filled with hesitation.

“Seeing donors suffering makes my stomach quiver most of the time. But the thought of feeling it…it excites me.” I finally lift my eyes to her. There’s no trace of judgment on her blank face.

“Pain is the best teacher, they say, because through it you find out what kind of person you are. Your limits, your strength, your resistance.” She doesn’t seem surprised.

A sudden doubt overwhelms me. “Did you already know?”

“I know everything about my sons.” She smirks. “Meg had a suspicion. She wasn’t sure, though.”

I grab my braid and pull at it, feeling anxious and naked under her sharp blue eyes.

“Was she disappointed?” I whisper, so very scared about Linda’s reply.

“Never.” Her answer is quick and resolute. “But she was worried.”

“I’ve never…actually done it, but I want to try.”

“So, go out there and experience it. You’ll never know if you don’t.” She makes it sound so easy.

“Are you not disgusted?” I need more reassurance from her. That makes me feel really weak and pathetic.

“Sari, you should know by now that I’m not what society would call a fit mother. But I gave my precious sons the tools they needed to live a full life, with no fear. Keep that head high and go your own way.”

“But after all the hurt I suffered when I was a kid, the torture, how can I crave pain now? There must be something really wrong with me.” I feel tears running down my face as I drop down on the chair on the other side of Meg’s bed. How could she have accepted me? How can Linda, or worse…Uri?

Linda slowly leans toward me, placing her elbows on her thighs. “You lived through a horrifying experience, Sari. Nobody would come out of it unscathed. I can’t use psychological terminology—that’s Meg’s expertise—but the way I see it, this is your way of dealing with all that agonizing shit. A means of adaption, a survival strategy. Because by now you know how justice is so very unjust.”

“A defense mechanism?” I’ve never seen it this way.

“Call it what you want. Rationalizing it won’t make those dark thoughts disappear. You need to explore and see what happens, just like your brothers did with killing. But share the experience with someone you trust completely.”

“Dating has been quite hard.” I sniff and wipe my wet cheeks with the long sleeve of my sweater.

“That’s strange. Whatever Uri aims at, he hits. You know how much hecaresfor you in his own sociopathic way.”

Why is she talking about Uri now? Is it because she knows about my feelings toward him?

“The tea about you and Uri needs to be spilled.”

Tea? Spilled? She knows! Before I can ask her about it, Uri arrives, followed by Clover.

“Hi there,” Clover greets us. Then he bows at Meg. He said it’s his Japanese way to show his respect for her.

“Hey, Clover, Uri,” I hear Linda say.

I feel Uri’s piercing gaze on me. His brows turned down in a frown. “You cried.”

“It’s nothing,” I dismiss his words, but with two steps, he’s looming over me, hand cupping my chin to study me more closely.

“Nothing? It sure fucking looks like a whole lot of something,” he snaps. “You’re upset and afraid.” I open my mouth to ask him how he knows that, but he adds, “You have a tell.”

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