Page 105 of Begin Again

Chapter 31

Dawn opened the door and looked at me in surprise. She prepared to speak but then saw the pillow in my hand and the suitcase on the floor next to me. She scrunched her eyebrows with concern and stepped aside to let me in. Sawyer didn’t seem to be there, but I didn’t care.

Not at all.

Dawn asked no questions. She pulled the suitcase into the room, then took me by the hand, and led me to her bed. She murmured something. I saw her lips moving, but my ears were throbbing with my pulse, my rage, my heartbreak so I couldn’t understand her. Dawn left the room.

I sat on her bed, dangling my legs and staring at my socks.

Dawn returned with two cups of steaming tea, which she set on the nightstand. She pulled back the covers and helped me get comfortable. Then she got in next to me, and I lay my head on her lap. With my face against Dawn’s leg and my fingers clutching her sweater, I let the tears come.

I cried for hours. Dawn didn’t move from the spot. She pulled the blanket over me and stroked my hair, murmuring comforting words as my body shook with violent sobs.

At some point I was too exhausted to do anything but stare at the wall. It felt as if someone had torn every organ from my body.

Everything hurt.

My eyes grew heavy. I fell into a deep sleep.

As the week went on, sleeping turned into the high point of my days. Those were the only hours when I didn’t feel the overwhelming pain. Eating and even drinking were hard for me. I left Dawn’s bed to use the bathroom, nothing more. I skipped all my classes. It would have killed me to see Kaden there.

Dawn was an angel. She brought notes from our classes and photocopied Scott’s notes from the classes she wasn’t taking with me. To my relief, Sawyer didn’t show up much.

On Saturday, Dawn arrived with Scott in tow. They’d brought pizza. The aroma made my stomach rumble. But when Scott opened the box, I felt tears at the corners of my eyes. Everything reminded me of Kaden. It was ridiculous and terrible, but I couldn’t help it. Even though I’d slept more in the last few days than in the rest of my life put together, I felt drained and empty.

For the first time in my life I was in love. And for the first time in my life, someone had broken my heart. I didn’t know how to get over it. Especially since I was also homeless. What would I have done without Dawn?

I was always dependent on others—first my parents, then Kaden, and now her. As much as I’d tried to suppress everything that had happened in the past few days, one message had penetrated: I had to take responsibility for my life. It was time to get back on my feet.

“I need an apartment.”

Those were the first words that escaped my lips since I’d appeared at Dawn’s door. I stared for a while at the faded carpet and then looked up at my friends. “I need an apartment.”

Scott’s mouth opened and closed. I guess he hadn’t counted on this being the day I’d break my silence. Even Dawn seemed surprised. She put her slice of pizza back on the plate in her lap.

“You can stay here as long as you want. They hardly ever check, and if they do we’ll just make it seem like you’re my roommate. I mean, Sawyer is almost never here anyway,” she kept on going, obviously glad that I’d finally said something.

I felt the corners of my mouth twitch. Only a bit, but both Dawn and Scott had seen it.

“Sweetie?” Scott ventured, but not so cautiously as to make me look ridiculous.

“Huh?”

“Did you want to say something?” he asked.

I thought about it a while. The pain had lessened a bit, but I felt cold and numb. And empty.

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

“We’re here for you,” he said softly. “Always. Just so you know.”

Dawn nodded until her hair flew around her head.

I took a few deep breaths and stared back at the carpet. A lot had happened in my life. I’d felt alone for years, never able to trust anyone. My friendships had all been superficial; I kept people at a distance, thanks to my bad experiences.

In Woodshill, everything was different. Even I had become a different person—more myself than ever before. No matter how much Kaden had hurt me, I’d learned from my mistakes and realized now that it was better to talk about problems than to bottle them up. Otherwise they would come out on their own, and with destructive force.

I didn’t want to fall apart like this ever again.

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