Page 57 of Trust Again

“Dawn, it’s me. You can talk to me. If you want to go home, just tell me and I’ll drive you. Just like always. We don’t have to be this way: You didn’t go home with some random guy. You went home with me.”

My hands flew to my face and I sobbed.

Without saying another word, Spencer pulled me close. Ignoring my protests, he wrapped his arms around me. In spite of myself, I fell apart. Hot tears ran down my cheeks and landed on his bare chest.

For months I hadn’t really cried. Now I couldn’t stop. It sounded like I had an incurable case of the hiccups and my nose was running, which was unfortunate considering that Spencer was holding me and wearing only his boxers. His chest was wet with my tears and snot but he didn’t seem to care: He just held me tight and rubbed my back. His arms were strong; it felt like he was putting back together what had broken apart. Eventually he picked me up and carried me into the living room, softly dropping me into my favorite corner of his sofa. He disappeared briefly into the kitchen, returning a moment later with a box of tissues and a glass of water.

“If you lose that much fluid, you have to drink,” he said, sitting next to me.

Grabbing some tissues, I wiped at my eyes and blew my nose. For God’s sake, when would these tears stop? I felt like a leaky faucet.

Spencer handed me the glass of water and waited until I’d taken a few sips before taking it back and setting it down. Then he went over to the other end of the couch, grabbed a wool blanket and spread it out over me. How could he be so nice to me after I tried to sneak off without even saying goodbye? It made me cry even more. Even though I didn’t want to. It seemed to take forever for me to calm down.

“Do you still want to go home?” Spencer finally asked, twirling the fringe of the blanket in his fingers. I looked up at him and shook my head. He smiled, cautiously. He still looked worried, but relieved I wasn’t planning to leave him just yet.

For a while we just looked at each other and I began to realize that I’d been acting foolish. This was Spencer. My Spencer! I didn’t need to run from him just because he’d said something that Nate used to say. Spencer wasn’t Nate.

I was always asking him to talk about his family’s problems, but at the same time I wasn’t telling him what was bothering me. I had to be honest. He deserved the truth.

“You called me ‘Baby.’” My nasal, stuffed-up voice would have sent anyone else running, but Spencer was just watching me patiently, waiting for me to continue.

“Nate… Nate always called me that, and kissed my forehead before we closed our eyes.”

Now Spencer’s eyes grew darker. “Sweetheart…”

“I know you’re not Nate. I know. But still… he hurt me so badly that something inside me broke. I’m not just saying it. It’s the truth.” I grabbed another tissue and pressed it against my nose.

“You never told me what exactly happened between you,” he said after a pause.

“Not even Allie knows the whole story.”

“Why not?”

I shrugged. “Because it’s not a nice story. I wanted to leave it behind me.”

“That doesn’t work if you bury it all deep inside you,” he said, leaning his head against the back of the sofa and looking up at the ceiling. “The past has a way of hanging around until you deal with it.”

“You’re very wise, Spence.”

He tilted his head to the side so he could look at me. “I was hoping that would get you to talk to me.”

“We’re both losers when it comes to talking about our feelings.”

“There’s still hope.”

I picked at my cuticles before finally leaning my head on the sofa as well, mirroring his position. Looking into his eyes, there was nothing more separating us—not what we had done together, not the fact that I was still terrified of getting involved. We were just two friends, alone, together, where no one was guilty.

“We were married.” There, I’d said the three words that not a single friend in Woodshill had heard from me.

“We got married six months after graduation. It was a little party with our relatives and a handful of friends.”

Spencer’s fingers reached for the blanket fringe close to me. It almost seemed like an invitation.

“We saved money for a house and started planning a family right away. Nate got a good job at his stepmother’s company, so we started… trying to get pregnant. Going to college was not part of my plan at the time. Can you believe it?” I asked, shaking my head. “My plan was already to make a living from writing; I was going to give up my job in Dad’s workshop as soon as I could earn some money with my stories. We’d been together since we were 13.Marry young, have kids young. That had always been our dream. It’s hard to picture it now, but back then… I was so happy. Everything was going just the way I’d hoped it would.” I bit the inside of my cheek and wiped the tears from my eyes. “We went on a weeklong honeymoon, and right after that I went camping with my dad. The weeks before the wedding were so busy, thanks to all the preparations and then the move to our first apartment. There was no time to be with my dad, so we wanted to fully enjoy our camping trip. But then the weather turned bad. So we came home three days early. Dad brought me home. It was early evening, raining cats and dogs; I’ll never forget it. I walked into our apartment, hauling my bag, and that’s when I heard it: a loud scream coming from our bedroom. My cell phone was already in my hand, and I was about to call the police when the screams turned into moans. I remember walking toward the bedroom door, slowly opening it and seeing him on the bed. With another woman. Naked. He was…” I tried to blink the images away. “He was fucking her. Our neighbor. In our bed. Three weeks after our wedding. While we were trying to start a family.”

“Goddammit,” Spencer blurted out. His hand tightened to a fist on the blanket, his knuckles white.

“They didn’t notice me,” I continued softly, rubbing my chest. “I couldn’t move; I don’t think I even blinked. Months later, the scene still repeated itself like a movie in my brain. You can’t imagine how horrible it all was. I was trapped in my body as if paralyzed, watching them screwing. She… she was so unbearably loud that he covered her mouth when she came.”

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