Page 59 of Trust Again

“I vowed never to get involved with anyone that way again. And then you stood there with your beautiful hair, wearing that stupid shirt, and you smiled at me so easily… That was just unfair of you!”

The beginnings of a smile played on his lips.

“The day I found Nate out, I lost part of myself forever. Love and happy endings are a thing of the past for me. Been there, done that. I mean, Nate and I were in love. And still, look what happened. So now… I can’t trust anyone ever again.”

Now Spencer looked totally serious. “That’s why you wanted to leave.”

Cautiously I reached out and stroked the back of his hand. “I’m sorry… Your words reminded me so much of Nate, and that memory was like a bucket of ice water.”

Spencer turned his hand over and interlaced his fingers with mine. “Do you still love him?”

“No,” I said firmly. “But the months after our breakup were the hardest in my life. I was so numb that I couldn’t even eat… Only my writing kept me going. When I wrote, I felt something. Otherwise, I was like a zombie. It was strange; somehow my feelings were shut away during the day, but at night I would wake up breathless and sweaty.”

“Good grief, you should have talked to someone.” He squeezed my hand.

“Yeah, but who? Nate and I shared the same circle of friends. And of course, they all heard that I was in a bad way and felt sorry for me at first. But at some point I also realized that they were less in touch with me and were hanging out with Nate and Rebecca instead. Eventually I lost contact with them completely.” I huffed out a sigh. “After walking in on Nate, I stayed at a hotel for three weeks; eventually I pulled myself together and went home to my dad and told him that Nate and I had separated. At first he couldn’t believe it. When I explained that it hadn’t worked out, that we’d married too young, and that our marriage had been a big mistake, he believed me. It had been much the same for him and my mom; I knew this and made use of it. I moved back in with him and, together with the Duffys, we looked for a divorce lawyer. My memories of everything we had to sign and discuss are pretty vague. I put on a smile and repeated the same story to anybody who cared to ask…

Nate cooperated. Of course, it was very convenient for him to hide the real reason for our separation, to pretend that we were best friends who’d made a stupid mistake. It turned out to be pretty easy to get the divorce. The process went quickly because we had no shared property and no… no children.”

Spencer gently stroked my hand. “You weren’t pregnant?”

I exhaled. “No, I wasn’t.”

“How did you deal with it?” he probed.

Swallowing, I looked down at our hands. “I didn’t. I lost control of myself, my life, my future. True, I had a high school diploma. But that wasn’t going to get me very far. My life had been turned upside down, and I didn’t know…” Tears filled my eyes again. “I didn’t know how things could ever be okay again.” The words stuck in my throat, and my free hand lay on my thigh—on the spot where my scars were, under my jeans. “One night, I even hurt myself.”

Spencer’s expression froze. “Dawn…”

“Just once,” I said quickly. “I only did it once. I… just needed to know that I could still feel something.”

I couldn’t look him in the eye. Sometimes I couldn’t even bear seeing my own reflection when I stepped out of the shower and saw my scarred thigh in the mirror.

“Dawn,” Spencer whispered again.

“I’m ashamed of it.”

He looked tortured, as if he wished he could have been with me then, to stop me from making such a mistake.

“Looking back, I’d like to shake myself. I really lost it. I was so weak.” My words came out in a whisper.

“You don’t need to feel ashamed, Dawn. Just promise me that the next time you feel that way, you’ll talk to someone. Come to me or go to Allie. If you want, I can even give you the number of my therapist.”

He pronounced these words so casually, as if it were nothing unusual. I swallowed.

“I’ll never do anything like that again. The sight of blood woke me up. It snapped me back to reality; I realized that I had to change my life.”

“So you came to Woodshill.”

I nodded slowly. “After three more months in Portland I moved here. It took me that long to regain some confidence.”

“You’re strong, Dawn Edwards. So strong.” A look of amazement was on his face; did I really deserve it?

Scooting closer to him, I saw he had goose bumps on his arms. Without hesitating, I lifted the blanket he’d wrapped around me and stretched it out to cover him as well.

“Thanks.” Spencer smiled gently, but his eyes were still serious.

“I can’t give too much of myself to another person,” I whispered, choosing my words carefully. “I couldn’t survive that again.”

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