Page 105 of Save Me

But that’s not true. If James Beaufort were my boyfriend, he wouldn’t be doing this. If he were my boyfriend, he’d have come to me and told me about his problems instead of using drugs and alcohol and his superficial friends to distract himself from the pain. If he were my boyfriend, he wouldn’t have another girl’s tongue shoved down his throat right now.

I turn on my heel. I slip on the wet floor but just about catch myself in time. I fight my way back through the sitting room as fast as I can. My footsteps echo on the floor of the huge entrance hall as I run to the door. I have to get out of here, right now. But I’m afraid there’s nowhere in the entire world where I can forget what just happened.

“Ruby!” Lydia calls behind me. I stop and look back over my shoulder. As I see how desperate she looks, a guilty feeling rises up inside me.

“I’m really sorry your family life is so shit, Lydia,” I say, my voice trembling. “But I can’t do this. Not like this, not after…” After what? After I thought we’d worked through this exact issue? After we spent the night together? There’s no way I can say that to her.

“He needs you now,” she pleads.

I give a bitter laugh and lean my head right back to stare at the ceiling. This hall is so over-the-top. Gold as far as the eye can see, priceless oil paintings, expensive antique vases—things that suddenly strike me as utterly trivial. I turn and keep walking until I finally reach the exit. Lydia calls something out behind me, but I’m not listening anymore.

When the heavy door slams shut behind me, I see it as symbolic.

For a brief moment, I truly thought that James and I could make this work, if we both wanted it enough. But now one thing is clear to me:

I will never be a part of his world.

Unfortunately, I’m only recognizing that now, when it’s far too late.

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