“That’s not what I mean. I just don’t think…I’ll be able to study here.”
I don’t get it. “Why not?” I ask in confusion.
She doesn’t reply. She looks down and stares at the hand on her stomach. She starts to slowly run it over her blouse—or rather, over the little bulge beneath it.
I wouldn’t normally have thought twice about it. Everyone has a roll or two on their belly when they sit down. But most people don’t stroke those little bulges. And they don’t look at them with the loving expression that is currently spreading over Lydia’s face.
It suddenly clicks, and I inhale sharply. “You really weren’t drinking,” I whisper.
A tear runs slowly down her cheek. “Haven’t for months.”
I remember the drink she asked James for at Cyril’s party but then left. And of course, I’m remembering the day I caught her with Mr. Sutton. There’s a lump in my throat.
“Is it…?” I don’t dare finish the question, but there’s no need. Lydia knows what I’m asking and nods.
“I don’t know what to say,” I admit.
“That makes two of us.” She dabs at the corners of her eyes with her fingers.
“How far along are you?” I whisper.
Lydia gently strokes her belly. “Twelve weeks.”
“Who else knows?” I ask.
“Nobody.”
“Not even James?”
She shakes her head. “No. And I want to keep it that way.”
“Why did you tell me then?”
“Because you wouldn’t stop asking questions,” she says at once. Then she sighs. “Besides, James trusts you. And he never trusts anyone.”
I bite my lips together and try not to think about what thatmeans. “At some point, in the not too far distant future, it’s going to be less easy to hide,” I say, nodding at her belly.
“I know.” Her words sound so broken, so sad, that I’m engulfed by a wave of sympathy.
“You can always talk to me anytime you want. Even over the next few weeks and months. If you don’t have anyone else, I mean.”
Lydia eyes me skeptically. “Why should I?”
I tentatively stroke her arm. “Seriously, Lydia, I mean it. This is a big deal. I get it if you don’t want to talk, but…” I look at her stomach. “You’re going to have a baby.”
She follows my gaze. “It’s weird to hear you say that. I mean, I know that, but nobody’s said it out loud before. That made it feel a bit more real.”
I totally understand what she means. Once you say a thing, you give it space to unfold and become real.
“Do you want me to walk you back?” I ask after a long while.
Lydia hesitates, and for a few seconds, she just looks at me without a word. Then she nods and smiles carefully—for the first time this evening. I don’t know whether she genuinely trusts me, but if she doesn’t, that might change in the future. I know the two biggest secrets in her life, and I have every intention of keeping them. I’m not going to go behind Lydia’s back. Anything but. I can imagine that she might need a friend in such a tough time.
I get to my feet and hold out my hand to help her up.
“You know I was just puking over the toilet bowl, right?” she asks.
I screw up my nose. “Thanks for reminding me,” I reply, but don’t pull my hand back.