Page 94 of Save Me

“What is there to smile about?”

He pulls back a little and looks at me. His expression is hopeful. “It’s so long since you said my name. It feels good.”

Shaking my head, I take his face in my hand, lean forward, and kiss him carefully. It feels like a dream just to be able to do this when I was so sure I’d never have the opportunity again. His mouth fits mine perfectly. It feels right, like a puzzle piece slotting into place. James’s hand strays from my face over my neck and shoulders. A hot tingle runs down my spine as he strokes my side and then grasps my waist. His body trembles above me. I want to carry on from exactly where we left off just now, but I can’t do that without knowing exactly where we stand.

James seems to sense that and pulls away from me carefully. “By the lacrosse field…I told you that you can’t lose a thing that doesn’t belong to you.”

The memory of his words stabs me. I want to look away, but I can’t. Too many of the emotions I’m feeling at this moment are reflected in James’s eyes.

“That was a lie. I’ve belonged to you since you threw my money back in my face, Ruby Bell.”

29

James

Her eyes widen at my words. I roll off her, pulling her with me so that we end up both lying on our sides, able to look at each other. I leave my hand on her waist, stroking her there. I want to touch her everywhere, right now, forever. I’ve missed her so much it’s almost killed me, and now it feels as though there’s air in my lungs for the first time in weeks.

But I have to do this right. I’m not taking the risk of losing Ruby just because I can’t bring myself to tell her what’s wrong with me. Why I am the way I am, and why I make decisions that hurt us both so much. It’s hard to find the right words, especially as the fear that she’ll never forgive me is constricting my throat. I don’t know what I’d do then.

Ruby looks at me calmly, waits. Her hair is messed up, and her cheeks and lips are red. She’s so beautiful that, when I eventually clear my throat, I have to look away and stare at my hand on her waist.

“I told you that I’m joining the company after my A levels. And…it’s important to my parents to have a wife at my side—theright kind of partner. To them, it’s part of the deal. They’d ideally like to get me engaged to someone right away, so that nothing can go wrong.”

Ruby makes an indefinable sound, and as I look up, she screws up her nose. It’s good to know that she doesn’t like that idea—after all, I can’t imagine what I’d do if Ruby’s parents wanted to get her linked up with someone who wasn’t me.

“Right from the start, you’ve been so special to me. I’ve changed. I didn’t even notice it myself, but my friends and family certainly did. I’ve had weeks of them asking me what’s wrong, why I’m miles away the whole time and all that. When my dad saw us together in the workshop, he had an inkling. And then he caught us on Halloween…” I gulp, hard. “Then he was sure of it.”

“Is that why you had a split lip? Did he hit you?” she asks, cautiously lifting her fingers to my mouth. The place where she bit me is still throbbing—but not in a bad way.

“Yes,” I say quietly. I’ve never spoken to anyone about my father before. Not even Lydia; she sees a lot, but even she doesn’t know everything. I’m sure my friends guess what our home life is like, but they never mentioned it if I turn up at theirs with a black eye or a fat lip. It’s as though there came a point when we decided that the subject doesn’t exist for us, and everyone sticks to that. Which I often find very convenient.

“Does he often hit you, James?” Ruby whispers.

I can’t answer her, especially not when she’s looking at me with that much sympathy in her eyes. This isn’t what this is all about. All I want is to explain to her why I treated her like shit—which is one hundred percent my own fault, however hard my situation might be.

“That’s not the point,” I answer belatedly. My voice has takenon a raw edge, and I have to cough again. “Anyway, my parents saw you as a threat. They noticed how much you matter to me. Way more than the fucking company.”

Something in Ruby’s eyes changes. She looks so intense and penetrating that I get the feeling she can see right into my soul. There’s no possibility of hiding from her—and at this moment, I realize that I don’t even want to. My parents were right to be worried. Ruby is dangerous to them, and to everything they’ve planned for me and my future.

I can’t believe I’m only just realizing this.

I’m in love with Ruby Jemima Bell.

My feelings for her are all-encompassing and overwhelming and not going away, no matter how I try to ignore them—that’s been only too clear to me in the last few weeks. Ruby crept into my life, wreaked total havoc, and now she deserves a place amid the chaos she’s created.

I don’t care who I have to fight, and I don’t care if my father kicks me out onto the street. Lydia once asked me if Ruby was worth all the stress. I let everyone and everything around me influence me into believing that she wasn’t. That was the stupidest decision I ever made, and I hate myself for having pushed Ruby away like that. I know that I can’t take it back, but I have to at least try.

“You’re right—I really don’t know what I want from life. Everything has always been preordained for me—what I have to do, what I’m not allowed. Sometimes it feels like I’m an extra in a script that’s been written for me, one where I can’t change a thing.”

Ruby grumbles quietly.

“After my dad caught us, he lost it. In his eyes, there’s noquestion of me spending time with anyone who doesn’t match up to his ideas about my life.”

My words make her flinch almost imperceptibly, and I immediately take her hands in mine and hold them tight.

“That made me think about what life would be like for us in the future, and all I could see were problems. My parents act like dictators when it comes to their kids’ lives. And you…you told me back then that you were planning for a successful career. I couldn’t bear the idea of my dad getting in your way just because it didn’t suit him for you to be with his son. I was shit-scared because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. I’d never be able to protect you from him.”

My heart is pounding in my throat. I know perfectly well that I sound pathetic and idiotic, but I want to be honest with her. At any cost.

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