Page 190 of Captivated

Zeeb said nothing for a moment. “Okay then. Rant away. Sol would probably tell you it’s therapeutic, that you’re processin’ and releasin’ stuff that’s best not to keep bottled up. And let’s be honest here. If anyone’s entitled to a rant, it’s you.” He steeled himself.

Nate didn’t speak right away, and Zeeb wondered if he’d decided against it.

Whateveritwas.

“You remember you told me some of the Sanctuary Hill counselors had been caught with their pants down?”

“Yeah. And you told me you didn’t want to think about that because you’d only get angry.”

Nate stared through the windshield. “Well, Ididthink about it—finally—and I did get angry. Except that doesn’t even comecloseto how I’m feeling right now. Even more so because once the thought was up front and center, I couldn’t shake it loose, and that gave Robert’s delicious supper a sour taste.” He scowled. “Howdarethey? Those bastards tied me to a bed and let Thomas perform anexorcism, for God’s sake. They tried to make me believe I was evil, a mistake. They projected their values and their beliefs onto me, forcing me to livemylife based on those beliefs. It didn’t matter to them that I’d never kissed a boy, touched a boy…. They told me the very thought was an affront to God and godliness. They made me hate myself, they tried over and over to convince me I was straight, and even then I knew I wasn’t, and I never would be.” He gripped the steering wheel, his fingers digging into the leather. “And I dragged those dark, hateful feelings with me like a fucking weight for years. Trying to get rid of them with therapy? It helped for a while, but that loathing would come back. Sometimes twice as strong.”

There was nothing Zeeb could say until Nate had purged the residual poison lingering in the darkest recesses of his mind. All he could do was be there when the last of it was dragged out into the light where it would finally wither and die.

Get it out, Nate. Every last drop of it.

“They did all that, andthenthey turned around and did the very thing they’d accused all those kids of? Those fucking hypocriticalbastards.” Nate’s face grew mottled. “So what if I left that hellhole behind me? So what if I rejected everything they’d tried to make me believe? It took mehowmany years to accept being gay wasnotdeviant behavior? Years of tasting their lies in my mouth every time I so much aslookedat someone. And as foreventhinking about having sex…” He shivered. “Zeeb, I swear to God, I am done. Well and trulydonewith all their bullshit.”

Zeeb stared at him, open-mouthed. “Wow. When you get angry, youreallyget angry. Want me to find a punching bag so you can hit it?”

Fuck, Nate was on fire.

“I’ve got amuchbetter idea.” Nate’s eyes gleamed. “You want to know what I’m going to do? I’m going to mail them a sex tape, with the message ‘See? You didn’t break me. This is me, having the time of my life. This is me, living the life I was always meant to live. You donothave any hold over me anymore, you hear me? Youfailed, you miserable, bigoted bastards. I am not broken, I am fuckingwhole.’” He was shaking.

Zeeb was stunned into silence.

Nate took several deep breaths, and Zeeb could see the rage seep from him until he was calm once more.

“Is that it? Rant over and done with?”

Nate nodded.

Zeeb bit back a smile. “A sex tape? Seriously?”

Nate stared at him for a moment, then burst into laughter, tears rolling down his cheeks. “I havenoidea where that came from. I mean, as if I would. But the thought of their faces, clicking on it and watching me…. But if I’m being honest, the very thought of someone getting that sex tape and then possibly jacking off to it?” He shuddered. “That makes my dick shrivel to the size of a grain of rice.” He whooshed out a breath. “God, I feel so much better for that. And I’m not going to mention it again. Ever.”

“No.”

Nate cocked his head. “No?”

“No. You’ll mention it whenever you need to talk. I’d like it to be with me, but if you need to speak to someone else, you’ll do that. Don’t fuck around with your emotional health, you understand? Don’t hold it all in, because that’s what started poisoning your heart in the first place. Get it out, so it’ll stop having power over you.”

Nate expelled a breath. “How’d you get to be so wise?”

Zeeb smiled. “I’ve lived longer than you. Give it time. One day you could be just as wise.” He shrugged. “I mean, it’s doubtful, but you never know.” He grinned. “Seriously? I have no doubt you’ll be even more amazing as you grow older.”

He flushed. “Want to go inside and cuddle on the couch? Carefully, of course. I could do with some cuddling right now.”

“I had something else in mind.” Zeeb left it there, willing Nate to do the math, follow the clues…

He knew the second Nate got the memo: His breathing hitched.

“Are you sure?” Nate’s voice broke through the quiet.

Zeeb laid his hand on Nate’s thigh. “I’m sure.”

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this just for me,” Nate murmured, barely above a whisper.

“You think I’m offerin’ out of selfish motives?” Zeeb chuckled. “Oh, baby, if you only knew what’s going through my head right now. How much I want you.” He grimaced. “How pissed I am that you’re gonna have to do all the work because of this goddamn fracture.” He squeezed Nate’s thigh. “Areyousure?”

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