Page 34 of Captivated

“At first I used that phrase I’d heard on TV—just a phase. I told myself those feelings wouldn’t last.”

“But they did, didn’t they?”

Zeeb took another sip. “Yeah, even though I fought like hell not to have them. I knew they wouldn’t sit well with my dad. He had very clear ideas on what it meant to be a man. And I knew that telling anyone how I felt about Lucas? That would only bring shame. It had to be a secret.”

“How old were you when you kissed Lucas behind the barn?”

Zeeb smiled. “Sixteen. Lord, we were both so freakin’ nervous, an’ it was only akiss, for fuck’s sake.” It had been tentative, and full of a longing Zeeb had never fully acknowledged. For a while after that, Lucas and Zeeb shared similar stolen moments of intimacy, though neither of them was ready to confront what it truly meant.

“Was that all you did—kiss?”

Zeeb snorted. “You bet your ass. I was too damn scared to do anything more.” Too afraid to face what it might mean for his place in the world and in his family. Lucas was of the same mindset.

“What happened?” Nate’s voice was soft.

Zeeb put his cup down. “The summer after I turned eighteen was when everything came to a head. My dad had been pushing me harder to take on more responsibility at the farm.” His stomach clenched. “He expected me to prove my worth as aman, as his heir. Kept saying one day the farm would be my responsibility. Except I didn’t want that.” He huffed. “Lord, I was a mess. I didn’t know if I was comin’ or going.” He glanced at Nate. “I was still unsure of who I was, and I knew if I was going to discover that, I’d need to leave and go explore a little, see life outside of Idaho.” He’d wanted more than the rigid, small-town life his dad envisioned for him.

“Did you tell your dad that?”

Zeeb nodded. His dreams of getting away and finding out what Zeeb Nolan could be clashed with his dad’s expectations, and the tension between them became unbearable. “Life got pretty uncomfortable after that. And then came the night we locked horns.” He swallowed. “He’d found out about Lucas, and that was the last straw.”

“How? How did he find out?”

“Only thing I can think of is that someone saw us, and hightailed it to my dad. Neither of us told a living soul. We were always so goddamn careful. And hell, compared to some of the stuff I see online these days, we were practically nuns.” Nate arched his eyebrows, and Zeeb coughed. “Okay, I’ve watched porn. Who hasn’t?”

He wasn’t about to admit his taste in porn was pretty diverse.

“What did your dad say?”

Zeeb could still hear his voice.

“He told me I wasn’t welcome back home if I couldn’t ‘be a real man.’” The words had stung, and in that moment, Zeeb had realized his father’s love and acceptance came with conditions he couldn’t meet. His identity, his true self, was not something his father could ever accept. The argument had escalated, with Zeeb shouting back, ‘I’m not your idea of a man, and I never will be.’

“What happened after that?”

Zeeb’s face tightened. “Lucas backed off. It was like we’d never been friends. And then the day came that I saw him in the street with a girl on his arm. He saw me, turned to her and kissed her, then walked off in the opposite direction. That was the night I left Idaho.”

He’d packed a small bag and took off, hitchhiking to the nearest city, anxious to leave behind the suffocation of his hometown.

“I spent the next few years drifting from place to place. I worked odd jobs: construction, waiting on tables, anything that could help me survive. I lived in various cities, always on the move, as though I expected the shame and the fear of being discovered to follow me.”

It took until the age of twenty-two when he’d started working on a ranch in Wyoming that he began to feel a sense of purpose again, away from the clutches of his father’s expectations. He loved the work—horseback riding, caring for the animals, the camaraderie—but he also began to feel something was missing in his life.

“Did you date guys?”

Zeeb shook his head. “I stuck with women, always keepin’ it casual.”

“But why? There’s nothing wrong in being bisexual.”

“I guess I was nervous.” He snorted. “No, that’s not true. I was afraid of being seen as weak or less-than by the people around me.” Another sigh rolled out of him. “I left Idaho because I knew I couldn’t stay in a place where I would constantly be fighting to hide who I was. Dad’s rejection was the final push that forced me to face the truth about myself: I would never be able to live up to his ideal, an’ I didn’t want to. Staying in Idaho meant living a lie, and I couldn’t do that anymore.” He left to find a place where he could just exist, without the heavy burdenof expectations. The ranch in Wyoming represented a fresh start, even though he had to hide parts of himself there too.

Nate’s words sank in.

“Getting out from under my dad’s shadow did one thing. I began to accept I was bi. That didn’t mean I was ready to announce it to a world that might not understand.” He smiled. “And then when I was thirty, I arrived at Salvation.”

Watching Robert and Kevin, the ranch foreman and Robert’s lover, had helped Zeeb grow more comfortable with the idea that he could love whoever he wanted, regardless of gender. The ranch became a place where he could find peace and some form of community.

Nate’s breathing hitched. “Dad said the ranch hands were mainly gay and bi, but that one of them was a late developer.” He stared at Zeeb. “Was he talking about you?”

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