Page 20 of Behind Frenemy Lines

Loretta: “Oh, that’s a new drama. Ba’s saying now the only reason why she’s reluctant to come is because she’s scared of upsetting your mum.”

Thatwasa new one.

CG: “What’s Ma got to do with it? She’s not even coming.”

I offered to book Ma’s flights, but she gave some excuse about having to be at home because the neighbours were going to be away visiting their daughter in Australia and she’d promised to water their plants.

Don’t think she disapproves of the wedding. More that it’s delicate with Ah Yi. Ma knows about Loretta and Hayley, but the rest of the extended family don’t. Loretta’s parents keep it quiet.

Just as well Ma’s not coming. Couldn’t afford the flights now, with Ba’s bloody gua sha debts to pay off.

Loretta: “Brace yourself. This is the most fucked up thing you’ll have ever heard in your life.”

Made a non committal noise. Prepared for anything when it comes to Ah Yi. She’s bonkers.

Loretta: “Ma thinks your mum thinks I’ve turned you gay, and that’s why you haven’t brought a girlfriend home in a million years.”

CG: “It’s only been six years.”

Loretta: “That was not the important part of what I said!”

CG: “How are you supposed to have turned me gay?”

Loretta: “I don’t know. Osmosis?”

CG: “Osmosis is specifically the passage of water molecules through a semipermeable membrane. You’re thinking of diffusion.”

Loretta: “I’m thinking ofhomophobia,Charles.”

CG: “Right. Sorry.”

Loretta: “But I only have one mother. Even if she is insane, I want her at my wedding. Ba hasn’t travelled anywhere by himself in the past ten years, he’d probably get on the wrong plane without her. And you know, having them both there at the wedding, it would make Hayley happy. What’s the point of getting married if I don’t make my fiancée happy?”

CG: “Indeed.”

Loretta: “You have got to stop saying things like that, this is why you’ve not gotten laid in six years. Anyway, you want my wedding to go well, don’t you?”

Alarm bells went off in my head. Loretta looking smarmy, the way she does when she wants a favour.

CG, suspicious: “What do you want me to do?”

Loretta: “I have a plan. Before you say anything, I want you to bear in mind that this plan is for the advancement of family harmony, my marriage,andyour love life.”

CG: “What is it?”

Loretta: “You need to bring a date to the wedding. A female date. Although if you are into men, I support you—”

CG: “I am not into men.”

Loretta: “If you’re asexual, that would be fine too. There’s a whole world of options out there other than ‘straight,’ you know.”

CG: “I am not asexual. We’ve discussed that.”

Loretta: “But you know it would be fine if you were gay or asexual. Or anything else. I would support you, like you supported me.”

She meant the time, almost fifteen years ago now, when her parents said they weren’t going to pay for her education anymore and she needed to come back to Hong Kong and be straight. Loretta chose to stay in London and finish her degree, but she didn’t have anywhere to stay. And I happened to have a spare room.

CG: “That wasn’t—I needed someone to oversee the works to the flat.”

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