Page 21 of Behind Frenemy Lines

Loretta: “Why do you always have to pretend it wasn’t you being nice? The ‘works’ was one day while they replaced the carpet. You could have managed without taking me on as a tenant. Accept that you did a good deed and take the thanks.”

CG: “Technically you’re probably a licensee, rather than a tenant. You don’t have the right to exclude people from the property, as a tenant would.”

Loretta: “Forget about it, you win. The point I was trying to make is, if you’re still insisting you’re straight—”

CG: “I’m notinsisting.I just am.”

Loretta: “Then this is the time to prove it. You need to bringa girl to my wedding as your plus one and do straight things with her. Like kiss and hold hands and, I don’t know, explain films to her. Get her to manage your social calendar. Rely on her to help you process your feelings…”

CG: “Remind me, are you asking me for a favour? Because it feels quite a lot like you are insulting me.”

Loretta: “Sorry.” Her apology was somewhat undermined by the fact it could barely be heard through the giggling. “What do you think?”

CG: “I don’t see the point. How does me bringing a plus one to your wedding help?”

Loretta: “It means I can tell my mum, ‘I haven’t turned Charles gay, he’s got a girlfriend. He’s bringing her to the wedding.’ And then she can tell your mum. And—another pro—your mum will be happy.”

CG: “Because I’ll have lied to her about seeing someone.”

Loretta: “You don’t have to lie to her. You could ask someone out.”

CG: “I’m not going to find someone to ask within the next two weeks. It’s not enough notice.”

Loretta: “So I had an idea about that. But you have to be open-minded. And not a gutless loser.”

CG: “What is it?”

Loretta: “You know how you’re sharing an office with Hot Lawyer Who Hates You now?”

Took me a moment. Then her meaning dawned on me, in all its horror.

CG: “No. No, no, no.”

Loretta: “Oh, come on! You’ve always fancied her. This is your moment. You guys are working at the same firm, sitting across from each other every day—”

CG: “It’s only for three days a week. Firm policy is for people to spend 60 percent of their time in the office. Most people don’t do more.”

Loretta: “For you, 60 percent of your work time is like 60 percent of your life. You’re already spending 60 percent of your life with her. It’s fate. It’s yun fan!”

Thought of Kriya’s expression when I’d said I wasn’t going to pay for everyone’s drinks. Felt like crawling underneath the sofa and never coming out again. “She really doesn’t like me. It wouldn’t go well.”

Loretta: “She doesn’t know the true you. You have to win her over, give her the chance to get to know you outside of work.”

Didn’t see how that followed.Ibarely knew me outside of work.

Saying that would only provoke an argument, though, so I tried a different tack. “Asking her to a family wedding is a bit much for a first date.”

Loretta pulled a face, but conceded: “Fine. Ask her as a friend. Explain the situation with my mum and your mum. She’s Asian, she’ll understand about family drama. She’ll probably be up for coming along. It’s one day, free food and alcohol, and anything might happen with my mum. Besides, I bet she’s never been to a wedding where the brides will be reading outDuke of Badmintonquotes during their vows.”

Duke of Badmintonwas the terrible anime of Loretta and her fiancée’s heart, and indeed—or rather, not “indeed,” strike out the “indeed”—the anime that united their two hearts. Over the years, I have watched far more of it than I personally would have volunteered for, through Loretta constantly having it on in the background. I have not yet caught up with all 227 episodes, but I have had sufficient exposure to the dialogue that I knew its inclusion in the wedding vows was not a selling point.

Was about to point this out when Loretta said: “It would be cool to meet Kriya. You’ve talked so much about her over the years.”

CG: “Don’t tell her that!”

Loretta: “What am I, an idiot? I won’t say anything. So you’re going to ask her?”

CG: “No. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.”

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