Page 95 of What's in a Kiss?

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An hour later,Fenny and I are in my bed, taking turns scratching Gram Parsons’s belly. We’ve blown off the party in favor of room service and lots of wine. Two Fisherman’s Platters and a large carton of fries are arrayed about us.The Real Housewives of Albuquerqueis on mute, and we’re polishing off a bottle of Pahlmeyer chardonnay. Fenny’s smoking a joint from a twenties-style cigarette holder.

Even though the call with my mother ended badly, I’ve taken Lorena’s advice to heart. To practice telling Jake the truth, I’ve decided to try it out first on Fenny...

Who’s scribbling something on the hotel notepad.

“Are you taking notes?” I ask, leaning in a little blearily.

“I’m making you a Pros and Cons list.”

“I like it,” I say. “Old-fashioned.”

“So far, under the pros of you staying in this life—I’ve got your marriage to Jake, your successful career, financial stability... Okay, and I know this item falls under the umbrella of marriage, but I’m going to make it a separate category,because it’s truly remarkable: Five orgasms. Am I missing anything?”

I rack my brain. What else is good about this life? “That might be it. I mean, you seem really nice...”

“No offense taken,” Fenny says, waving me off.

I can’t tell if she’s humoring my realm-jumping revelations because she’s kind and trying to help me survive a nervous breakdown. Or if indulging the delusional cast is part of Fenny’s job.

Or maybe she actually believes me. Which would make her either truly open-minded... or totally insane—probably a distinction without a difference.

“Wait,” Fenny says, crunching into a panko shrimp. “What about Gram Parsons?”

“He’s in both lives.”

She shakes her head in amazement. “You can’t write this shit—not that I won’t try, fair warning.”

I gaze at her meaningfully. “I want you to have it.”

“So what’s better about your... real life?”

“I have Masha. And my mom.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s everything. I’m broke and lost and I hook up with silly men, but I never feel hopeless about myself.”

“Because you’ve got what matters—”

“A deep, lifelong connection with women who love me for who I am.”

“Your wolf pack.”

I close my eyes, emotional with how much I miss them. I try to summon the last time my mom didn’t hate me, and the imagethat comes to mind is Lorena in her studio, the day I’d cried about Jake. She’d had the gyokuro waiting for me. We’d curled up together on my beanbag chair. She’d given me strength, just by being there, by reminding me there were bigger things to feel than hate.

How did I ever hate Jake?

“There’s one more thing I should mention about my Real Life,” I say, spearing a scallop with a plastic fork.

Fenny waits.

“Jake is famous.”

“Come again?”

“He has the highest rated talk show in the country. It’s calledEverything’s Jake, and he does these absurd stunts, which I used to think were ridiculous, but now I see that they’re also profound. People quote him when they reconnect with estranged family members. They come on his show and open up to him. There are entire online forums of personal success stories devoted to thanking him. He... changes people’s lives. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true. Where I come from, you can’t go anywhere without seeing his smile, hearing his jokes, feeling his light.”

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