Page 60 of Weekends with You

“Oh god. I never should have come. That’s what you’re going to say, right? That this was a mistake?” I wanted to get it out before he did. If there was any chance to save face, at least I would be the one to call this what it was.

“It wasn’t a mistake,” he said. He looked up to the ceiling like the proper way to reject someone was scrawled across the beams. “It’s just...” He spun his watch around on his wrist, and I wanted to shake him.

Spit it out, Henry. At this rate, I might die of embarrassment before you say anything at all.

“I’m just really surprised, that’s all,” he said eventually. “I didn’t expect this, and I’m sometimes overwhelmed by surprises. Especially when I’m on the road, because I’m always alone. Which is sometimes lonely, but other times, like when I’m really getting into a groove somewhere, it’s easier to work uninterrupted.” He rubbed his hand along the back of his neck before dropping it into his lap and twisting it with the other.

“‘Uninterrupted’?” I said. “Had I known all I’d be was aninterruption, I could definitely have saved a couple quid on the plane tickets. I’m sorry I invaded your space, Hen. I just thought since you had a month of space at a time, you might welcome a day or two of company, but clearly I was wrong.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“That phrase is familiar to you, isn’t it?” I asked. “I take it you also ‘didn’t mean it’ when you said you missed me when you were traveling and you wished you could see me more?”

“It’s not that I didn’t mean it, Lucy. I sometimes just speak before I’m finished thinking. I don’t always consider the implications of what I’m saying when I say things in the moment. It’s a bad trait, I know.”

“Which is why you haven’t had many relationships,” I said, remembering our conversation from Valentine’s Day. “Did you need more time? Should I have given you more space to think?”

“It’s nothing you did, Lucy. None of this is your fault. I just, I didn’t handle the surprise well. I don’t have a lot of relationship experience. I’m not perfect.”

“Of course you aren’t, Hen. Nobody is, and I never expected that from you. I just keep thinking I know you better than I actually do, and then something like this totally throws me for a loop and I feel like such an idiot.” There wasn’t enough gin in the world to save me now, but I was really wishing he hadn’t settled the tab.

“You aren’t an idiot, Lucy. Far from it.”

“Then how do you explain this mistake?”

“It wasn’t a mistake. It was just, er, a miscommunication. Or rather a lack of communication? I just wish you’d told me, Luce. I’m not exactly keen on surprises, and we could have just talked about it beforehand.”

Now I wished he’d never spoken at all. If he’d turned me away at the door and I’d gotten right back into a cab to theairport, it would have been less painful. I released a dry, joyless laugh.

“You’re right,” I conceded. “And so was Raja. She was worried this was too soon, and I tried to convince her it wasn’t. But had I waited, I might have learned that you didn’t like surprises and wouldn’t be here now, totally embarrassing myself.” The string of words tumbled out all at once, and I hated how it sounded.

“No need to be embarrassed,” he said.

“Amsterdam is home for you, then?” I asked before he could say anything else that resembled pity.

“What?”

“Earlier, you said you were really finding your groove, before I interrupted. Do you plan on moving here?” His plans had seemed so distant before, when he couldn’t see himself in any of the places he’d traveled, but now they seemed as real as the tears burning behind my eyes.

“Aye,” he said. “I haven’t made any plans yet, but it’s the place I’ve felt most myself since I started this journey. My head is clearer here, and I’ve been able to do a lot of thinking. Mostly about home, what that means, what I want from it, that sort of thing. The answers I’ve been looking for might not be as clear as I thought they were, which is why I wanted to do this alone.”

I nodded, but I wasn’t really hearing anything beyond that he was moving and that he didn’t want me here.

“So now what?” I asked, though I wasn’t sure I could stomach the answer.

“Well, I’m to finish out the year as planned, so I’ll still be traveling on schedule until July.”

His failure to mention us told me all I needed to know. This was over before it had even started.

“Right, then,” I said. “Well, I should be getting back to London.”

“It’s late, Luce. Why don’t you at least stay the night?”

“I can get a hotel near the airport if I can’t find a late flight. If you could just let me up to the flat to get my things, I’ll be gone like I was never here.”

“Lucy,” he said, reaching for my hand.

“It’s fine, really. I’d just like to get my things and go.” The tears I’d been battling since this conversation began were threatening to come crashing from my eyes, and I wanted to be far away from him when they did.

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