Page 94 of Weekends with You

The realization bloomed in my chest and flowed through me like white water, and I could no longer distinguish anger from sadness from betrayal from heartbreak. The minutes turned into hours. The cracks in the exposed ceiling beams slipped in and out of focus. The box-breathing method I had learned from my therapist in college worked to steady my breathing but not my mind, and I let the thoughts race like cars on a track, crashing into each other, spinning out of control, catching fire. Eventually, sometime deep into the night, exhaustion won, and I fell asleep.

When I awoke, the sun had reached its feeble fingers through the flimsy window shades. I wasn’t sure how long I’d slept, but I knew it hadn’t been long enough. I blinked myself awake, trying to adjust to the light. Liv and Raj were still asleep, so I had a few blissful moments of silence to gather myself before our alarms ripped us awake and we would be forced to leave the Irish countryside and make our way back home.

I was lying on my side, staring at the room through only my right eye, which was swollen half shut, thinking of my elementary school art teacher. She would let us hang upside down on the monkey bars for “perspective,” then ask us to draw the world from that angle. I wondered what she would think of me now. And I wondered about the world from this angle. Seeing as I wasn’t drawing what I saw and I was lying in this position not for perspective but because I didn’t yet have the will to sit upright, I figured she would be disappointed.

Henry was heading back to Scotland, so the only time we’d be forced to spend together this morning was the ride to the airport. Then we could part ways, fly to our separate destinations, and avoid each other forever. Or at least until he left the apartment to move to Amsterdam.

Raja and Liv were pretty hungover, so I played at the same, thankful we were mostly getting ready to leave in silence. I wasn’t interested in having to relive last night just yet, so it was all I could do to pray everyone was too hungover to ask any questions.

When we all finally made it downstairs, Rory and Aoife were poised to send us off with breakfast and snacks for thejourney, despite the fact that it was no more than a couple of hours back to London.

“Seriously, we cannot thank you enough for this weekend. Everything was brilliant,” Henry said on behalf of all of us. His voice was level and energetic, but the bags under his eyes told me he hadn’t slept much, either.

“The pleasure was all ours,” Aoife said, beaming so wide, we knew she meant it. “It’s the least we could do for you lot, for taking such good care of our Finn in the city.” She reached up to ruffle his hair, and he let her.

“All right, Ma, that’s enough.” He rolled his eyes, then kissed her on the top of the head. Their love for each other was almost enough to warm my cold heart, and it made me wish we could have stayed in Ireland forever. Perhaps I would come back here when I needed to hide from my life in London.

We said our final goodbyes and collected our things, heading out the front door. I turned around to take one last look at the place, only to find Henry looking at me. He opened his mouth like he might say something, but I reverted my gaze back to the path before he had the chance.

Nothing he could say would make the events of this weekend hurt any less. Nothing he could say would change the truth about our careers, our circumstances, our feelings for each other, our failed attempts at balancing them.

There was nothing he could say about us, because there was no longer any “us” at all.

June

Hi, pet. Please find me in the office when you get in today, before you go out for the shipment for the Anderson party. There’s something we need to talk about.

Clutching my phone was making my hand clammy, and Renee’s text was starting to blur the longer I stared at it. The wordsThere’s something we need to talk aboutwere branding themselves on my eyes, but I couldn’t look away.

This was it. The North London Lotus was closing. Last month had been the final nail in the coffin. I had known it was always just a matter of time, but I suppose I’d never imagined it actually happening. It was wishful thinking that we would be able to keep up with bigger businesses, especially if we weren’t at the top of our game. The rogue small wedding and restaurant opening just weren’t going to cut it, and it was time I accepted that. Besides, with the way Renee had been working (or not working) of late, I doubted she could keep this up even if we were on par with those bigger shops.

“I’m off to lose my job,” I said to Raja from her doorway on my way out.

“Excuse me?” She pushed her blue-light glasses to the top of her head, rubbing her eyes. “You’re what?”

“Going to lose my job. Renee texted me that we need to talk as soon as I get in today, which can only mean one thing.”

“Ah yes. Of course. Every time anyone’s boss ever needed to have a conversation, it was because the business was closing and all the employees were being laid off.”

“I’m serious, Raj,” I moaned. “The shop’s been struggling for the better part of this year, so we should have seen this coming.”

“But what about all the stuff you’ve been doing to try to save it? Surely that’s bringing you business, isn’t it?”

“Not enough. Which seems to be a theme for me lately.”

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say that. Let’s not worry until we have to worry. We have no idea what she’s going to say, and jumping to conclusions isn’t going to get you anywhere. You’re just going to give yourself heartburn.”

“Joke’s on you, I had heartburn when I woke up anyway.”

“Because you live in a constant state of anxiety. Take some deep breaths, Lu. Might do you some good.”

“I’ll breathe after I’m fired,” I said. “At least then I’ll know what the future holds. No job, no men, just me and my flowers, living in this warehouse forever.”

“You’re so dramatic, you’re starting to sound like me,” she said. “Besides, there are worse things than not dating and not working and living in this warehouse forever, you know.”

“Raja Ali, ever the optimist.”

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” she asked, nodding toward the door. I rolled my eyes and let out a sigh before realizing she was right. I had to get going. “It’s going to be fine,” she said more softly as I started to leave. “Whatever it is, it’s going to be fine.”

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