Page 41 of That Same Old Love

Ashwini and Smitha arrived in the next hour. Mahi hugged them all and felt happy seeing them after a long time. They began catching up on what happened in their lives during the past years.

When it was Mahi’s turn, she didn’t hesitate laying it all out to them. She felt connected to them the same way they had been during the four years of college.

“The biggest mistake I probably did was to tell Dinesh all about Sidhu,” she said. “I thought I was being honest with him. He knew I had a boyfriend when he proposed to me through my parents, and he even pretended that he was fine with it at that time. But on our first night… when he asked me if he was my first, I told him he was and also that I was a virgin. But he kept badgering me, asking me what I allowed Sidhu to do to me or what I did with him… And when I told him that Sidhu and I made out when we were together during the four years, Dinesh felt extremely insecure and jealous.”

“He isolated me completely. He didn’t let me speak to any of my friends or family members… To most outsiders and to my family members, Dinesh appeared charming and friendly. I was twenty one and naive or maybe just stupid. He manipulated me emotionally, saying that he loved me a lot, and that it would bring us closer if I didn’t associate with anyone reminding me of Sidhu. I was allowed only a five minute weekly call to my parents… Not that calling them and asking them for help had been of any use.”

Mahi paused when she recalled her initial anguish and helplessness all over again.

Jhanvi held her hands and squeezed it in assurance.

“Dinesh’s moods kept fluctuating very often, making me walk on eggshells all the freaking time. There was always a reason for him to erupt on me. Anything, or sometimes everything, like what I had made for dinner, my hair, how I walked, how I spoke or even the way I behaved during sex. Just about anything! I was a nervous wreck who was always anxious to please him and not make him upset or angry. And each time Dinesh abused me because he felt insecure or jealous for no reason, I missed Sidhu more, and the vicious cycle continued.”

“Oh Mahi. Why didn’t you get help?” Parvathi asked with tears in her eyes.

Mahi stared at her floor. “I was embarrassed,” she stated softly. “I was educated and had enough money to be independent. I kept saying to myself,these things should not be happening to me. I naively thought it didn’t happen to people like us. I also thought I was a strong person, not taking bullshit from anyone… But slowly he chipped away my self-confidence… .Initially I stuck around thinking that maybe he was justified feeling insecure because of Sidhu, and then I kept mentally coming up with some excuse or the other… Soon it was too late and I felt humiliated that I stayed that long in an abusive marriage.”

“I was also worried that people would question my accusations, asking me why I stayed for eight long years, if my husband was abusing me right from the beginning. I cried often, and had anxiety and was depressed.”

Smitha held one of Mahi’s hands. “It’s not your fault Mahi. Education helps to an extent, but not completely. My first husband was a doctor who was trained in these matters. That didn’t stop him from abusing me or his own son. He often used to label it as work stress. Violence or control is apparently used as a compensation for the partner’s insecurity or weaker position in a relationship. It is the attempt made by the abuser to balance the power in a relationship. It doesn’t matter how strong or weak you are either. Believe me, doctors, lawyers and maybe even the queens are not immune from domestic abuse. “

Smitha told Mahi about her first marriage that was also abusive and ended in a divorce.

“Dinesh was mostly verbally abusive, which he thought was okay, since he didn’t actually hit me each time. Sometimes… evenIthought it was okay and felt grateful.”

“And whenever he did hit me, it was always on top of my head where it wouldn’t show or just shake me violently. It didn’t physically hurt, but I felt humiliated. I-I threatened to leave himseveral times and even left him a few times. But each time he would beg, cajole, apologize and then make elaborate gestures with surprise birthday parties, expensive dinners, expensive trips, diamond jewelry… All of that made me sick to the stomach, but I still went back upon my parents and his insistence and stuck around thinking it would change. Or that a baby would change it.”

Mahi felt humiliated even now as she recalled those times.

“It wasn’t just confined to home. He used to call me at work to shout at me for something I did at home. I couldn’t deal with it there, as I didn’t want my work suffering. Work was where I could be myself and be normal. It was my only sanctuary. I didn’t tell anyone at workplace because they would think I was weak and had a problem that might affect my performance.”

She stared at her hands that were fidgeting a little.

“During the eight year of my marriage, I had my third miscarriage, and I was at a very bad place. Dinesh had made me quit my job and we weren’t intimate anymore, because he said I killed his mood, just by showing my sad face.”

“I was devastated. Not because I missed being intimate, but because I knew that he didn’t even respect me as a human, let alone love me… After one of his rages and outbursts, I had the courage to walk out and file for a divorce. Dinesh refused to give me one, and made my parents try and brainwash me into going back to him again, but I refused. I was adamant and moved out of the house to an apartment. That’s when I became close to Rahul, who lived in the same apartments.”

“He was a resident doctor at the same hospital as my sister-in-law who was also my doctor. He knew about my separation and miscarriages and we had met a few times before at some common parties as well. I knew he was attracted to me right from the beginning. He was so good looking, sweet and charming and he… he reminded me so much of Sidhu. For achange it felt nice to be treated with respect, kindness and… like an attractive woman.”

“I gave in to the temptation a few times and felt bad later. Not because I was cheating on Dinesh, since even though we were separated, we were still legally married. But because of the fact that I was messing with Rahul who was really a nice and decent person. I initially thought that Rahul was just looking for a physical relationship, but after a few weeks he declared his love, shocking me. I didn’t return his love at all and had a sick fantasy that I could go back in time to rectify my past mistake of giving up Sidhu. And that… it was Sidhu whom I was making love with.

“Even though we had used condoms all the times, I ended up pregnant. Dinesh tried to bully me to reconcile with him even after I told him about my relationship with another man and my pregnancy. But when I threatened to let everyone in Dinesh’s family and friends know about my baby’s paternity, he finally relented and divorced me.”

The next part was difficult for her to get out and she felt too choked. She had to pause for a few seconds before she continued.

“My baby son Aryan was born pre-mature. He had a lot of complications that required frequent emergency visits to the hospital because of which I couldn’t get back to work. Rahul begged me to marry him several times, declaring his love for me and our son, but I just couldn’t let him be stuck in a loveless marriage.”

“ Three years later, he fell in love with and eventually married a very nice understanding woman who was a doctor like him. She actually treated Aryan several times during his emergency visits. Around eight months ago… my son passed away, right after he turned four. I just went into pieces and considered ending my life by overdosing.”

“But Rahul found me and I ended up staying with my brother’s family upon my sister-in-law’s insistence. I went through grief counseling and therapy sessions and even joined groups to help me, but they didn’t dull my pain at all. And then a few months later Rajeev called me, asking me for help with Kamala aunty’s cancer treatment. I spoke to her, and she asked me to fight, and to not give up on life. I saw that as a sign and packed up everything I had and flew back to India.”

Mahi sat calmly, reflecting those dark times when she thought all hope was lost.

Everyone had tears in their eyes and they hugged her.

She shook her head and wiped away her tears. “Hey enough with the mushy and weepy talk. I put a total damper in the mood. So what else is up bitches?” she asked smiling, using the slang they had often used to greet each other in the gang.

They all burst out giggling like school girls through the tears.

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