Page 95 of That Same Old Love

“Why are you repeating my name so many times?”

“I missed saying it out loud in the past two weeks. Over the past one year, I used it so many times during most of my conscious hours.”

“God, that was so sappy and cliché… ” she said, her voice breaking.

“I know it is, but it has been strange not hearing your name, except from Srishti who has been asking me about you. I told her that you were taking a vacation. I miss you. Please come back to me, Mahi.”

Her lips wobbled, making it hard for her to speak. She bit them hard to control herself. “I missed you a lot too Samrat. It was so bad. Everything I did or saw reminded me of you in the last two weeks. Even my freaking car radio with only Telugu and Hindi songs seemed to be conspiring against me, playing songs that are specifically addressing our breakup and loneliness,” she sobbed out.

Samrat sighed. “I listened to some of your crazy and loud music playlists saved on my music systems too. They actually started sounding not so bad to me.”

She could hear the smile in his voice and she smiled, imagining him listening to her songs, probably wincing and then slowly tolerating them.

“What are we doing, Samrat? I still feel guilty for not letting you move on and be happy. I-I really can’t give you a life of marriage or babies.”

He sighed. “I know, Mahi. But I want you as you are. You don’t even have to tell me what scared you again. Come back tome, please. We’ll be just like before. We were happy together and we can be happy again,” he pleaded.

She felt her old insecurities and demons rear up. “No. You might be happy for a while. But how long can you live an incomplete life like that? Each time you see happy families around you, you’ll want more. You’ll begin to resent me. You need a woman who can give you the whole package. And that woman is not me, Samrat. Also… I think it’s mostly the intimacy that you miss. Before you met me, you were with just one woman all your life… and Nandini was very innocent. And I… well… I was pretty skilled and enthusiastic in bed. You are missing that part of us being together. There will be other women who can give you that… along with a family,” she said softly.

Samrat was silent for a while. “Don’t be naive Mahi. I didn’t want to be crass and mention it to you before, but I did have other sexual partners before my wedding and then much later after Nandini passed away. I was with women who were much moreskilled and enthusiastic in bedthan you, as you just described. They were beautiful and successful women who were single and lonely like me. And I respected them. After setting the right expectations, we satisfied our mutual needs and parted on friendly terms, when our attraction had worn off,” he said.

She was stunned and a little jealous.

Samrat continued talking. “We both started our deal with similar expectations too, but I fell in love with you, Mahi. And it’s not just because of your skills in bed. I love sharing my life with you, and being with you all the time. You are messy, argumentative, bossy and you keep changing your mind constantly, driving me crazy… but those qualities are overshadowed by the fact that you make me laugh, you tease me, you confide in me and then you listen to me and advise me like you are my best friend. I know you are probably thinking that I’m sounding like a character from a bad romantic movie, butI can now relate to every sappy proposal or declaration of love they show in the movies.”

She burst out crying.

“I didn’t tell you that to make you cry, Mahi. I thought you already knew about how I felt. Well… I know that I’m not the most demonstrative person. Maybe I should try and be like those romantic heroes in movies or books and make elaborate gestures. I’m willing to try it for you, if that brings you back to me.”

She cried harder.

“Mahi, stop. Please don’t cry. You know it makes me sad and helpless for not being there to hug you or to console you.”

She closed her eyes tightly, Samrat’s words reminding her of her son’s.

“Mommy, please don’t cry. You know it makes me feel sad.”

Her son’s words kept repeating in her ear along with the images of losing him. “Sometimes, love alone is not enough Samrat. You deserve better and I hope you find someone worthy to share your life with you. I cannot be that someone.”

“Mahi, I laid out my heart for you and I have begged you to come back to me. I’m going to repeat it again. Please, give us a chance. You don’t have to marry me or even have my children. I just want you back,” he pleaded.

“I can’t. I’m so sorry Samrat. You deserve better and I’m begging you to move on—”

“Stop telling me that! You don’t get to tell me what I deserve or not deserve, and whether or not I should move on. I love you enough for the both of us, and am willing to put my pride aside, and beg you to come back to me.”

“I can’t,” she whispered.

“You can’t or you won’t?” he demanded, sounding angry.

“I just can’t. I’m sorry.”

She could hear him breathing loudly.

“I have already told you this before, Mahi. I want you… ” he said starkly with a slight quiver to his voice. “I want us to be together, but I can’t chase you each time you push me away.” And then he took a deep breath. “If you think I’m not worth getting back together, then so be it. Have a great rest of your life!” he said with finality and hung up.

She knew that she had hurt his pride, by making him beg, and then feel rejected and unwanted. And knowing him, he would never forgive her for that. Unless, she made the effort to seek him out to beg for his forgiveness, and then ask him to take her back. But, she would never do that for his sake. He did deserve someone better.

It was the final death knell to their relationship.

---