Page 54 of Protected

I make it until bedtime without breaking down and searching for Deck. I’m right in this. He’s not. And if we can’t figure out a way to deal with the problem, then we’re not going to be able to stay in this relationship.

It’s a terrible thought, but I keep coming to the same conclusion.

I was so happy this morning.

I’m heavy and exhausted and aching internally as I goto the bathroom and get ready for bed. When I return to where I put my pack and sleeping bag in one of the central storage units, there’s something else on top of my stuff that wasn’t there before.

It’s a flower. A pretty, dark pink one. I’m not any sort of expert on flowers, but it looks like a kind that grows on vines or bushes. Not a rose or a field flower. It’s deeply colored and lush and beautiful even though a few of the outside petals are limp.

I pick it up carefully, noticing a scrap of paper beneath it.

On the page is scrawled,I’m sorry. I’ll do better.

My heart is pounding in my chest and my throat and my ears. My fingers shake slightly around the stem of the flower.

“Oh, how pretty,” Burgundy says, coming up behind me. “How did Deck manage to find that flower? Nothing much has been blooming this year at all.” She pauses, and when I do nothing but stare down at the flower in my hand, she adds, “He feels really bad and he thinks he blew it, so he’s trying to give you some space. But he’s in the very last storage unit if you want to find him.”

I’m still kind of shaky as I lean over to pick up the note and slide it into an inner pocket of my bag. Then I pick up my pack and sleeping bag and look around blindly.

Burgundy giggles and points to the right. “That way.”

I give her a quick smile as I turn around. I walk a few steps before I can’t wait any longer.

I start to run.

I pass several open storage units with various folks scattered throughout them. When I reach the very last one, I find Deck by himself, sitting on the floor with his back against the wall.

He looks defeated. And all alone.

With a small sob, I drop my stuff and launch myself at him, and he sees me in time to brace himself against the impact. He lets out a hoarse huff as he catches me and pulls me onto his lap, wrapping his big arms around me.

We hug for a long time, me shaking and whimpering against his shoulder and Deck clutching me and breathing in loud rasps.

When I’m finally able to straighten up, he won’t let me pull off his lap. So I stay there. It’s a pretty good place to be.

He returns my smile and signs,I’m sorry.

“I know. I’m sorry if I was mean or not as understanding as I should have been. I just…”

I know. You were right.He taps his chest.I was wrong.

I’m so relieved and filled with feeling that I have to swallow down another sob. “Thank you. I do understand it’s scary. When you care about someone. To see them at risk. But that’s what we have to do—living in this world. So if you do your best to trust me, then I’ll stay out of danger as much as is reasonable. I promise I’ll be careful.” I pause and wipe one of my eyes quickly. “Deal?”

He nods, still looking worried and stretched.Yes. I’ll try. Don’t break me. Please.

I’m sure he means don’t break up with him, but there’ssomething so poignant about the actual words he signed that I hug him again.

He hugs me back, and it really feels like we understand each other.

Because this much I know. If things get too messy and complicated between us and we’re forced to end our relationship, it will probably break me too.

19

We hugon the floor of the storage unit for a long time, but eventually something changes about Deck’s body.

The nature of the transformation isn’t entirely clear—maybe he tenses, tightens, hardens, heats up—but I know what it means.

He’s getting turned on.

---