Page 96 of Shadows of Stardust

As I comb my hair into something more presentable than the unkempt tangle I’ve let it grow into while I didn’t need to concern myself with Aux-dictated appearance standards, it’s not the cameras’ eyes I’m imagining myself through.

Roslyn knows what I look like.

She’s had to look at me pretty much constantly for the last couple weeks and hasn’t seemed to find me entirely repulsive. Besides, even if she did find me repulsive, it wouldn’t make a damn difference for what we’re trying to achieve here.

And yet…

I turn this way and that in the mirror, examining the small braids I’ve added to the tamed mass of my hair. It’s decorated with a few silver ornaments the production team was able to supply when I described what I wanted. Though not entirely authentic, the braids and shiny baubles are a Revexoran fashion. They were reserved for special occasions, though I can barely remember those occasions from when I was a child.

Sentimental. Ridiculous.

For a moment, I consider dismantling the style completely and wearing my hair loose like I normally do.

Would Roslyn prefer it that way?

If she were here, I could ask, and for about the hundredth time since her kidnapping, I wish she was. I wish I could ask her. I wish the two of us could talk strategy while we get ready, both for the date and for our excursion outside the production zone tomorrow. It’s too quiet without her, and for the first time in a long, long time, I find myself actively wishing for another’s company.

Not to mention, if she were here I could probably have stolen a few minutes, tugged her into the bedroom, gotten her sprawled out on the mattress, and confirmed for myself she’s just as delicious as I remember. I swear I can still taste her on my lips, even though it’s been more than a day since I had my mouth on her.

Despite our agreement that this thing between us is just temporary, just fun, we were… wary with each other last night.

After a smaller, more intimate bonfire on the beach with Juni and her trio of lovers, we came back to the bungalow late. We got ready for bed side by side in the bathroom. We crawled beneath the sheets together.

But Roslyn didn’t reach for me. She didn’t ask me to help her blow off any more steam. She gave no sign she wanted anything more than a good night’s sleep.

Maybe it was the looming spectre of our impending date, or maybe she was feeling the same intangible thing I was. Something different, something shifted between us despite all our efforts to the contrary.

And even while I lay there, acutely aware of her presence beside me in the dark and aching to touch her, I held back.

I don’t know what this is, what it’s going to be, what itshouldbe, and caution seems the wiser course. The two of us still needto trust each other. We’re depending on each other. Adding sex into that mix seems more likely to end in disaster than anything.

So we kept our distance, went to sleep, chose the safer course.

Only to wake up entwined with one another again.

Roslyn, sprawled across my chest. My face buried in the sweet warmth of her hair. Sheets tangled around us.

Unlike yesterday, I woke first, and for the life of me, I couldn’t make myself move.

I couldn’t make myself let her go.

Not until she stirred, and even then, it was an effort to remind myself it’s better this way. It’s better if we stay focused on our endgame, on all the reasons we’re doing this.

Roslyn’s mission to find her sister.

My ticket back to the Aux.

I didn’t want to believe in Marva’s promises, didn’t want to let my hopes rise any higher than need be, lest I wind up broken and bruised when they eventually shatter. But the proof is undeniable. Signed off on by Commander Riddik himself, the Chair of the Aux’s governing council.

A full reinstatement.

The insubordination charge expunged from my record, though it never should have been there in the first place.

Veren will be livid.

The thought gives me a bit of grim satisfaction while I continue getting ready, imagining the look on my old commander’s face when he hears the news.

It’s not all I imagine.

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