Page 3 of Beyond Repair: Part One

"You're right. We were just..."

When he trails off, I only nod. What is there to say? I know I'm not normal, heck I barely lookalive, so why would they think Iwishto be alive?

Do I want to be alive?I have no clue how to answer that now, just like I didn't know how to answer it at the psych facility. I'm positive nobody believed my answers when they were doing the suicide screening before I could be discharged.

I'm not sure what it feels like to be alive anymore, so how would I know? I barely have the energy to sit through an entire movie, let alone end my life.

"We found a house," Mom says cheerfully, if not a little hesitant.

My heart sinks to my belly and I have to fight to keep the tears from building in my eyes.

"And it's all yours, sweet Nina," Dad adds with a big smile. There's sadness in his gaze too.

I can't smile back, because even if I’d rather not die, I don't want to live either. A house of my own...I'm about to be forced to do exactly what I'm afraid of.

I'm scared to live.

Chapter 2

Nina

"It's almost an hour away!" Dad's answering glare does nothing to tamp down my panic. "No, I'm not moving that far away from you guys."

"Nina. I don't want to tell you that you're being dramatic, but thirty-seven minutes is not an hour," Dad explains as he tries to hold on to his patience. "It's the perfect gap between us. Provo will be good for you. It's a college town. You'll have people your own age."

"Maybe even people you knew back then!" Mom's cheerful, but the blush on her cheeks tells me there is more to this plan that I'm not being told.

Saliva fills my mouth. "I don't want to see anyone from before."Before I was kidnapped...

We've gone over this so many times since I moved back home. My parents think it would be good for me to see my childhood friends, but I can't fathom how that would go. I'm nowhere near the same person they used to know. Plus most of my close friends were guys. My dad makes me wary enough and I love him like he's my other half.

Mom's frowning from across the table like she can't figure me out. "You risk seeing someone from before every day if you stay in Herber."

"It's not like I leave, or want to leave anyway," I grumble, wanting to bash my head on the laptop keys shoved in front of me.

Arguing makes me want to throw up, but the shock of how far they're moving me away has loosened my tongue. I haven't thought about the repercussions of my actions, but the longer my mom and dad stare at me in baffled silence, the more my anxiety rises.

"It's a pretty house..." I concede quietly, hoping to alleviate the tension. And itisnice.

A four bedroom, two bath brick home in a quiet neighborhood was more than I would have expected my parents to buy me. The inside photos make the house seem warm and cozy with an air of isolation that will serve as my perfect safe space.

"We thought it was perfect," Mom says softly, like she's worried about my opinion. "Enough bedrooms for us to spend the night, and maybe an office for yourself for if you decide to go to school."

And there it is. "I'm not going to BYU, Mom."

"Why not? It was your dream school, sweetheart. I'm not saying you have to go right away, but being close by will be the perfect opportunity to follow your dream."

Mom's defense sparks an unknown feeling in me. One that makes my belly and chest ache with longing and despair. "It wasn't my dream to go alone," I whisper, struggling to keep my tears in check.

Mom shares a look with Dad and I know it has everything to do with me. "I know you miss them."

"I don't," I murmur, hunching over the screen in faux interest in my new house.

Dad's hand yanks the laptop away from me. "Knock it off. Nina, you're not fifteen anymore. You know denial doesn't make the hurt go away. You're almost twenty-one. Speak to your mother like an adult."

"Will..." Mom whispers, touching my dad's hand cautiously. She knows what's going to happen next.

I've worn out the space allotted for my opinions. I'm exhausted and just plain tired. Arguing, speaking my mind, being an adult or even childish takes so much out of me. I wasn't allowed to be anything except a bloodied servant for eighteen months, and sometimes I miss the clear rules the monster set out for me.

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