Page 117 of Fierce-Jax

“To feel that way about Alec?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said. “I wouldn’t want you to say that about me.”

“That’s the difference. I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. My relationship with Alec wasn’t based on love or even romance. Toward the end, it was more about how we were going to get through short periods of time. It was something we had during a time in our life when we shared our careers. I understood him and what he was going through and he did the same with me in terms of work. Not anything else. It was a companionship of sorts. An exclusive one if you must. Then I found out I was pregnant and I tried to put more effort into it.”

“That’s all he meant to you?” he asked. “I only want to understand. I’ve spent months wondering if I’d have to battle some ghosts in your life, but you never let me believe that.”

“Because it’s not there. No ghosts like that,” she said. “Only sadness over the tragic life of someone who was once a friend and a lover, but not someone I was in love with. Then I had anger over his secrets and lies that I hoped stayed hidden and now they aren’t.”

“Nothing stays hidden forever,” he said. “I’ve never believed that.”

“I’m learning,” she said. “Jax, I love you. What I feel for you is everything I’ve always wanted and worried I’d never get. It’s the life I want for my daughter and myself. My excuse for not talking about Alec was that I thought you’d think poorly of me for not questioning things or being with someone like him. Then for years, I’ve worried that I’d never be able to trust someone else in my life.”

He shook his head. “I could never think that of you. I told you about my dating history. So many people strung me along, or made me believe things that weren’t true. I’ve learned to look for it now and I didn’t see it with you. To find out about Alec brought back some of those insecurities. It’s not the same, and wrong on my part. So I’m as sorry as you.”

“What are you sorry about?” she asked.

“My reaction to it. I shouldn’t have taken my insecurity about myself out on you. I was stunned you hadn’t told me and didn’t let myself hear you out. I thought you were going to be one of those women who didn’t need me and it was another blow to prepare myself for. I didn’t stop to think how much you could have been hurting too.”

She got up and moved to sit on his lap. “Never that,” she said. “I’m not afraid to ask for help. I just got done being lecturedby my parents over that and pointed out I rely on them all the time.”

“You told them everything and my reaction?” he asked.

He’d put his arms around her and held her tight in a hug.

“I did. My father defended you. My mother too. They made it very clear I was in the wrong keeping things from you and them.”

“It was your decision to make,” he said stiffly.

“A wrong one.”

“I talked to Roni and Trent today. They won’t say anything. I needed someone to talk to. I was feeling guilty over my reaction and I expected Roni to give me shit over it.”

Dillion wasn’t bothered he’d told his sister and brother-in-law. She trusted them. “Did she?”

“Some,” he said. “But not all. She made me see things from a mother’s point of view that I needed to see. That everything you’ve done in the past five years is for Gianna. Roni was the same way. Trent made me see I wasn’t alone in my reaction. He would have felt the same way.”

“I don’t think your reaction was horrible. In my last relationship, Alec didn’t have many reactions to anything. He let me do what I wanted and when I wanted. At times, he seemed almost detached. Everything with Gianna was the same when she was born.”

“That’s why you said you liked to be the boss, but sometimes you wanted someone else to do it?” She nodded her head. “Trent told me that Roni is like that. But that she wants someone else to be the bad guy. To make the same decision as her but for her not to be the one to blame if it’s wrong. I didn’t think of it that way.”

“That is how I feel a lot,” she said. “I just want someone else to take those decisions out of my hands, but then I want them done a certain way too. I can’t have it both ways.”

“No one can,” he said.

“I know we are going to have disagreements in the future. I don’t like that you left. I want to be very clear there. It’s not how I operate and not healthy that you walk away. I never took you as that type of person and hope it’s not your normal reaction to a fight.”

That was Alec. He just moved on like things didn’t exist until she gave up. She never could get things off her chest because her ex was afraid to fight or stand up for himself.

“And I’m sorry about that,” he said. “It’s not like me. I worried I’d say more to piss you off and turn the fight into something bigger. Or as Roni said, I was more ticked off that you weren’t as perfect as I thought or our relationship wasn’t.”

She laughed. “I never thought our relationship was perfect. Nor you. You couldn’t even ask me out without a big nudge.”

He hugged her tighter and kissed her on the forehead. “You’re never going to let me live it down, are you?”

“Probably not,” she said. “Are we okay now? I know I hurt you. I’m sorry for that.”

“You did hurt me, but that is on me,” he said. “I didn’t have to react that way, and by doing it, I hurt you too.”

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