Page 84 of My Big Fat Italian Break-Up

‘What about you?’ I replied. ‘Before we moved here, you promised you’d wake up with me every morning for the rest of your life. I can’t remember the last time you and I went to bed together, let alone…’ I swallowed and turned away for a moment to gather my nerves. ‘You promised to share my dreams. Only yesterday you’d have referred to my rivals asourrivals and now…’ I wiped my eyes. ‘I was angry and afraid of losing you. And drunk. You know what happens when I drink on an empty stomach.’

‘I thought you said you went to sample the menu.’

‘The food came later. We started exchanging our tales of woe over the kitchen counter and I told him how sad I felt because…’ My voice cracked, but I needed to tell him. ‘Because you’re always finding excuses to not marry me and instead fly off for your career. So don’t say I’m the only one obsessed with work. All you seem to do is come and go, and the time you spend here – with me and the children whoyouwanted to adopt – is minimal. I’m so lonely, Julian.’

At that, his eyes softened. ‘I have been remiss. I know.’

I looked up, swiping at a tear. ‘It meant nothing to me – or to him.’ A half-lie was better than a whole lie. ‘I was upset, so I went to call off the venue. We had some wine and then he kissed me. Not vice-versa. But I wanted to be honest before we got married – if you still want to marry me.’

Julian sat down on the bed with his back to me and hung his head, letting out a long sigh. ‘I can’t – I just hate this. And I never thought you of all people would do this to me. Damn it, Erica, I trusted you with my life…’

‘Youcantrust me with your life, Julian. I know this hurts you,’ I barely managed to whisper through my swollen throat. ‘But I had nothing to do with it. He kissed me. I don’t even know the guy well enough to like him.’

‘What about yourdatewith him?’ It was more an accusation than a question.

‘What?’ And then I remembered. ‘I used that word just to piss you off. It wasn’t true. There was no date. Please believe me.’

But he huffed, shaking his head. ‘I can’t. Not yet. I need time.’

‘Time?’

He looked up, but not at me. ‘To make sure I’m not simply pretending to forgive you for happiness’ sake.’

I nodded. It made sense in Julian’s wholesome morals, if not for my twisted, complicated mind. ‘OK. How much time do you need?’

When he glowered at me, I lifted my hands in a sign of retreat. ‘Forget I said that. You’ll let me know.’

Now how was that for turning the other cheek?

*

Half-way through September, Julian was in Munich. Or was it Monaco? It might as well have been on the moon, seeing as he wasn’t speaking to me, and that in any case, when he was away, life simply went on in his absence. The kids were fully immersed in their school routines, returning by two o’clock, starved and full of stories to tell about their new teachers, the new rules and the promise of a bigger workload. While Maddy couldn’t wait to sink her teeth into her studies, Warren was less enthusiastic.

Me, I was still wondering where the summer had gone. And when Julian would be back. And all our dreams. The funny (or sad) thing was that he regularly called the house phone to talk to the kids, but whenever they offered to come and fetch me, he said he had to go.

And so, with my entire future, and that of my children, on the line and with a headful of worries and a heart full of regret, I had nothing else to do, and a whole lot of adrenaline pent up inside me. So I hit the gym – this time I would ease into it, so I wouldn’t need a tractor to take me to the hospital again. I have stopped trying to compete with everyone else (I told you I was going to try to change my ways, didn’t I?) and avoided the haka-like classes entirely. Instead, I followed Mr. Clean –Gabriele– through quiet, cool Pilates, forcing my mind to concentrate on the slow, balanced movements that even I could manage. All the while, I steered clear of thoughts of Alberto, Julian, my thwarted wedding plans, and all the work that Paul, Renata and my aunts had put in for me. And everything that ailed me.

Forget about it all. I am now going to relax, because I am light, distant and free, like a hot-air balloon (don’t I know it) reaching for the highest altitude, up, up and away from it all…

But just as I was surrendering and letting go of total control, I freaked and slammed back down to earth with a crash.

Forget all this crap about feeling light and distant from my own life. If I didn’t care, who would? And just how frickin’ long was Julian going to punish me for? Would he ever forgive me? What else could I possibly do to win back his trust besides repenting the hell out of myself? For how much longer did I have to grovel?

‘And stretch, stretch as far as you can,’ Gabriele whispered.

I’d been honest and told him all about the kiss, when he’d had no idea what I’d done. (Let that be a lesson to you.) I’d confessed mea culpa when I could have just shut up about it. I’d tried to atone. I’d cooked all his favorite meals for days on end, concentrating solely on him while he was home, and had he budged an inch? Not even half… This was going nowhere and every day that went by I felt him slipping further away.

‘And now loosen your limbs. Let them go back to their original position…’

And ironically, he was home for quite a while. A phone call would have been enough to get the wedding preparations back on track, at the drop of a hat, seeing that the ceremony would have been officiated in our own home. But as the days dragged by, he was nowhere near forgiving me. It was a lot if he spoke to me at all away from the children. Talk about having our wedding cake and eating it. Or, rather, skating on thin icing.

‘And now hang your head and loosen your neck…’

At the table, he’d have lengthy conversations with the kids about everything from Madame Mila, Maddy’s ballet teacher, to Warren’s soccer kit. They talked about school, their friends, their hobbies, while he told them about the places he’d been.

‘Will you take us one day, Daddy?’ Maddy had asked.

Julian’s eyes had softened as he touched her cheek. ‘Of course, sweetie. Daddy will take you anywhere you want. Always.’

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