Page 79 of The Husband Diet
‘No, just packing. Anyway, it’s Maxine.’
Paul gasped, his eyes wide. ‘Pristine Maxine? No!’
‘Yeah. She’s at least twelve years younger. And yes, I slept with Julian. But last night wasn’t our first time.’
Paul hugged me, jumping up and down as if he’d won the lottery. ‘Oh, Erica, you dark horse, you. This is amazing! Tell!’
‘Some other time. For now, I have to deal with the fact that Ira’s leaving on Christmas Eve. The kids will be devastated.’
Paul waved a hand in the air. ‘They’ll get over it. We both know you’re all better off without him. Forget Ira – you’ve got yourself a real man now. What’s he like in bed? Ihaveto know.’
I stopped and placed some ready-made dough on the counter and thought about it. What was Julian like in bed? Hot. Tender. Sexy. Extremely selfless. ‘It was out of this world,’ I gushed.
‘Good for you!’ Paul whooped. ‘Is he big?’
‘Paul!’
‘Oh, get off your high horse. Details!’
I beamed at him. ‘He’s absolutely perfect.’
Paul punched the air. ‘Hallelujah! The amazing Erica is back!’
She certainly was. And an hour later, the new Erica went out and bought herself a new bed. And shopped for gifts. And cleaned like crazy – even the windows – and baked the best food, including cookies and cakes.
In only a few hours, the hour of my children’s loss of their innocence, I’d take pictures of the kids and their father so they wouldn’t miss him too much. But deep down, I knew that he wouldn’t be all that missed. His presence in the house consisted only of his computer and his gazillion shirts and suits hanging in the closet. The wooden model planes hanging in Warren’s room were my effort, just like the fairy wings hanging on the back of Maddy’s bedroom door. And then I realized. Ira was leavingnothingto his children – no kind memories, no afternoons of laughter. Bupkes.
So it was settled. I was selfishly looking forward to coming up for air after years of apnea. I bought the biggest tree I could find. Warren and Maddy helped me decorate it with all their artwork and my grandmother’s old decorations and Nativity scenes, and when we finally plugged it in, Maddy gasped in awe. Such a cute ‘ohhh’, her big green eyes wide, while Warren grinned sheepishly. He was still a little boy, although he tried to be tough sometimes. My heart hurt for them.
Lunch with my entire family on the 24th was my last obstacle. After that, I wouldn’t have to pretend that everything was thumbs up. Zias Maria, Martina and Monica were there every year, beautiful and cheery. God, what I wouldn’t have given to be like one of them. No man in sight (except for maybe Father Frank) and they didn’t appear to have a care in the world.
Lunch went by very festively, contrary to my expectations. My nephews and nieces branched off to play with Warren and Madeleine as Vince helped me make coffee in the kitchen.
Later, Judy helped me with the dishes. Mom, as always, kept a strategic distance, lounging on the sofa, my dad massaging her feet. Poor old fool that he was, hopelessly in love with the beauty goddess who had blessed him with her attention and an ‘I do’ so many years ago, making him the proudest, if not the happiest man alive. Good for them. I wondered how they did it.
‘So, how’s Trey, your new toyboy?’ I asked Judy, drying my wet hands on my apron. ‘Are you and Steve splitting up after Christmas, too?’
‘Shush,’ she hissed. ‘Steve doesn’t know about him! And what do you mean, “too”?’
I went back to my sudsy sink, ignoring her, and she sucked in her breath as she reached a conclusion. The wrong one.
‘Shut up! You’re finally leavingIra?’
I turned to look at her and shook my head. ‘He’s leaving me, tonight after we open the presents,’ I managed, wiping my eyes on a tea towel.
I wasn’t crying for me. Hopefully, I had Julian to console me and a new life ahead. It was the kids I felt sorry for.
Again, she gasped. ‘He’s leavingyou? What’s the matter with you?Youshould have left him long ago! I swear, Erica, I don’t recognize you anymore!’
‘A little louder, please. Marcy hasn’t heard you yet,’ I croaked.
Judy sat me down. ‘Honey, this can’t be right. Why would he leave you?’
‘I caught him with his secretary.’
‘I don’t believe it,’ Judy muttered. ‘Oh, well, his loss, honey. Just make sure he pays you alimony. Now, dry your eyes and let’s bring these desserts out, huh? Trey is going to have to work me out like crazy to shift these extra calories.’
And that was my sister’s entire contribution to my personal tragedy.
