Page 22 of Storm in a D Cup

‘I’m fine.’ I tried not to sound snappy. ‘I’m not the one who got knocked over the head.’

‘No sweat, I’ve got a hard head.’

Apparently not only that. ‘Are you…already?’

‘Ready for another round? Absolutely.’

‘But I’m not…’

‘That’s OK, have a nap.’

Anap?I wanted to sleep for a month! We’d been doing this all week around my ‘fertile window’ and I was exhausted. I had forgotten Julian had all that stamina. I’d forgottenI’dhad all that strength in the past. But, I was determined – hell-bent even, for this to work. So onward and upward toward ultimate joy.

*

It went without saying that when we sat the kids down in the living room for a family reunion to inform them about our decision, they looked at us blankly.

The words, ‘Aren’t we enough?’ hung in the space between us, so palpable Julian and I could hear them, followed by, equally silent but still hanging, heavier than ever, ‘Ah, of course. We’re not Julian’sbloodchildren. He wants his own kid. Good to know,’ followed by an exchange of glances between them, then a simultaneous shrug.

‘Cool,’ they finally said.

‘Yeah…?’ Julian exhaled, his smile widening.

‘Yeah…’ Warren said.

But I know my chickens. They were not cool. Or at least, not as cool as they wanted to seem. Julian caught the expression on my face as I studied them.

‘You will always be my first babies ever,’ he offered, but it came out lame. Even he could hear it. ‘You know how much I love you guys, right?’

‘Dad, it’s fine,’ Maddy groaned. ‘We get it. You and Mom are having a midlife crisis thing. But wouldn’t a time-share or a boat be cheaper?’

Julian’s eyes swung to mine again, helpless.

‘Guys, we are not having a midlife crisis,’ I came to the rescue. ‘We want a bigger family is all, and we were hoping you’d be mature enough to accept our decision without the passive-aggressive attitude.’

‘Fine,’ Maddy said, getting up off the sofa. ‘If you want the truth, I’m not sure how I feel about it yet.’

‘Maddy,’ Julian said, taking her hand. ‘You know you’ll always be my princess, right?’

She looked down at him with all the love in her heart as her eyes grew moist. ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘Until the new one comes along.’

‘Maddy…’ I whispered, getting up, but she stepped back, her hand sliding out of Julian’s.

‘Let her go, Mom,’ Warren said. ‘You kind of hit us with a bomb. Give us some time.’

OK,I mouthed miserably as my two lives slinked out the door, Warren looking back at us apologetically.

‘They’ll come round, honey,’ Julian reassured me. ‘Just wait until they see the baby. They’ll instantly fall in love.’

‘We’ll see,’ I answered. ‘We’ll see…’

*

And then came the day of our first IVF cycle. I’ll spare you the fear, the hope, but most of all the look on Julian’s face when they handed him a plastic container for the second time in weeks. What did he think his part was, just holding my hand and cheering me on with a‘Push!’at the very end?

I gave him the thumbs up and a ‘Go for it’ smile as he dismally disappeared into the next room.

Just to spare you the wait, the first cycle didn’t take. Which I was prepared for, to be honest. And yet, I was gutted. And Julian even more so.

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