Page 38 of Beach Bodies

‘I made a mistake, once upon a time,’ he says. For once, instead of looking at me, he looks somewhere to the right of my face. ‘I… let something drop that I should have pursued. I listened to my boss instead of my conscience. People gothurt. I blame myself.’ His eyes flick back to mine, and though normally I’m good at reading emotion, I can’t quite read him.

I squint. ‘Did this “matter of conscience” happen at your current job?Fit Life?’

‘BeforeFit Life. But you know? I learned from it. I realized that the truth isn’t just about me and my conscience, or me being able to sleep at night. It’s about all of us. It’s a responsibility we have to each other. Any time we betray that responsibility, the ripples are far-reaching. I promised myself I’d never compromise again.’ He stops short for a second. ‘And I haven’t.’

‘Well.’ I lay my palm flat on his chest and feel the solid beat of his heart. ‘I guess the important thing is to learn from our mistakes, huh?’

He gives me a long look I can’t quite interpret. I try to reverse engineer what I’m sensing from him. Curiosity? Guilt? Or is he wanting me to pardon him? But how can I, when I don’t know the details? I’m about to probe further when he breaks our gaze and sits up.

‘I’m going to start up the shower. Want to join me?’ He hops out of bed and heads for the bathroom. I can’t help but admire his ass. Wow. Seriously. What a great ass.

‘Sure,’ I call out behind him. ‘Give me a second.’

I hear the shower turn on. Then Daniel, singing loudly and off key.

For a moment, I just sit there, cross-legged on Daniel’s bed, drawing the sheet around me like a robe. I’m not ready yet to step out of this pocket of eternal present. I want to keep feeling it all– all these things that will end as soon as I move. The buzzing in my body. The aftershocks of pleasure that arestill warming me. The calm beauty of the rain, now pinging brightly against the window pane. The way the grey shroud of the sky is brightening; I never knew grey could be so dazzling. And Daniel, of course– the second most unexpected thing that’s ever walked into my life.

I feel myself smiling. I met Jessica at a bar. Daniel in a coffee alcove. It’s silly, but could it be my thing? Finding love by the beverages?Hah.

I’m squirmy with happiness. How could it have been so good on our first try?

And how much better could it be on our second…

This is too good to be true.

I just met Daniel, and yet somehow he makes me feel…

Safe.

Being with a man is different– and I need different. This relationship, or whatever I should be calling it, feels new. It’s nothing to do with Jessica– though Daniel also doesn’t seem afraid of that part of my life. He is neither intimidated nor put off by the fact that I was in love with a woman, or that she met a tragic end. In fact, I don’t think anything could scare this man.

Though, speaking of tragic ends… I conjure the list I’ve been working on in my mind. Serena, Craig… I shake my head, to clear it. What if, instead of doing what I came here to do, I… let go? Daniel’s voice comes back to me. His decisive command.Let go.And I did.

Is this where my path forks? Could I abandon the plans that brought me here and leave with Daniel at the end of it? What would it feel like, to get on a plane in three weeks and never come back to the Riovan?

I open my hands on the bed and contemplate them. The natural curl of my fingers, not fully open, not fully closed. From here I can choose to flatten my palm, or make a fist. Both require effort. What takes more strength? To hang on, like I’ve been doing for five years? Or… to let go?

Daniel hits a high note on ‘Stayin’ Alive’, bringing laughter bubbling up in my stomach.

I leave the bed, the sheet trailing behind like the train of a ball gown, and enter the steamy bathroom. For a second, I just enjoy the sight of Daniel from behind through the foggy glass enclosure, scrubbing his armpits.

‘Need any help in there?’ I say as I let the sheet drop, slide open the glass door and step inside.

‘Hey, hot stuff,’ he says, as I take the washcloth and scrub his back like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Really, it’s because it allows me to keep gazing upon the marvel that is his backside.

‘Can I return the favour?’ he says when I’m finished, and I oblige. His firm scrubbing up and down my back feels soothing, and based on where his hand lingers, I’m pretty sure our feelings about each other’s backsides are mutual.

‘Maybe we should get room service,’ he says as we towel off afterwards, our bodies flushed from the hot water and the mutual scrub-down. I’d nearly forgotten how handy it is to have someone to reach those impossible-to-access spots on my back. ‘They have a really good pho… though it is meatless.’ He grimaces.

‘Pho sounds perfect.’

He rubs the towel over his hair, which stands on end, and jerks his head towards the shower. ‘Hey, fun fact: did youknow that until recently the hotel had metal drainpipes?’

I stop cold, towel gathered around me. ‘Really?’ I carefully secure the towel around my chest.

‘Yeah. Metal drainpipes from the eighties. They’re switching them out for PVCs.’

‘Hadn’t noticed, but hey. Updates are good.’ Mechanically, I bend to flip my hair down, then wrap a second towel around it, turban-style. Pho doesn’t sound so good any more.

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