Page 79 of Beach Bodies

Daniel Lukiewicz is in love with me.

And honestly, it’s a bit of a mindfuck for the person you thought wanted to see you in handcuffs to declare their love.

My heart should be singing right now. I should be laughing, crying happy tears, kissing him. Because isn’t this what I wanted? Not a fling, but someone to love me?

Now my pulse quickens, just a little, like a bird on a branch poised for flight.

I could forget about killing Serena and leave here with Daniel.

It’s not the first time I’ve had this thought, but before it was a pipedream, a silly fantasy. Now, it’s an actual possibility. I could start fresh with Daniel. Sell Taste of Heaven. Give up my apartment. Leave the city where I first found love and so horrifically lost it…

Slowly, I pull back, withdrawing my hand from Daniel’s. I lift both knees under the blanket and wrap my arms around my legs. The Riovan may let me go without a second thought, but not Jessica. She won’t let me go so easily.

It’ll never work, Daniel and me. Where would we go?

Not Cincinnati. That’s Jessica’s territory. But I can’t give up all the places that were hers either, can I? The business we dreamed up, the apartment, the bakery downstairs with the croissants we’d get on weekends. I can’t give her up. He can’t come, and I can’t leave.

Daniel’s expression doesn’t register hurt– he’s too stoic for that– but he leans back as well, patiently waiting for me to respond.

I’ve fallen for you, too, I want to say. Can he see that in my eyes, even though I’m not speaking it aloud?

But there’s a deeper reason this can never work: he doesn’t know me. Before, during our cat-and-mouse, we were on equal footing. Both of us lying about our reasons for being here, and both of us trying to get the truth out of each other.

Now, I’ve won. I finally know the truth about him.

But he doesn’t know the truth about me.

IwantDaniel to know me– to know what I’ve done, every detail of it– and love me anyway.

And that is impossible.

‘This is my last year coming here,’ I say. ‘I’ve been told I won’t have a job here next year.’

‘What?’

Now it’s my turn to quirk my lips in a mirthless smile. ‘I guess you could say I’ve “aged out”.’

I watch Daniel take this in, and I’m thankful he doesn’t say something obvious, like,How dare they?Or,What do you mean, aged out?He’s not one for cheap talk. Instead, he nods slowly.

‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

‘I can’t be in a relationship with you, Daniel.’

He leans forward, intense. ‘I’m not asking for that. I know I’m probably coming on too strong, too fast. But Lily, if there is any part of you that wants to explore this with me—’ His face is set. ‘We’ll do it how you want. Long distance, if that feels safer. Or, after I wrap up my work here, I can come to Cincinnati. Just to visit. Or I can rent a place. I can run the podcast from anywhere. We can take it slow. I just– never felt this way about anyone before. You’re the most alive person I’ve ever met. When I’m with you, everything feels more real. It’s beautiful, and it’s fucking with me in the best of ways, and I don’t want you to walk away without knowing the full extent of how I feel. I want you in my life. Whatever that looks like for us. Period. I’ve never been so sure of anything before.’

You don’t know who you’re talking to!I want to scream, and then I want to shake him.You don’t really know me!Or maybe it’s myself I want to shake.

I want this, just as bad as him, maybe even more. And I can’t let myself have it.

It would hurt too much to have it, just to watch it break.

I force myself to unwrap the comforter from around my shoulders and immediately shiver. The room is freezing. I slowly work my way off the bed, Daniel tracking my every movement.

‘Maybe people just die,’ I say.

I can tell by his expression I’ve lost him. He’s still sitting on the bed; I stand above him, and lay a hand on his cheek. It’s bristly and warm.

‘Maybe the Riovan deaths aren’t part of some pattern, Daniel. Life is chaotic and strange. I know you want to tell a story. Have you considered there isn’t one?’

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