Page 84 of Beach Bodies

‘No!’ says Daniel, and the second my feet hit sand, he’s surging forward, grabbing my shoulders, hurting me. Serena is immobile on the sand, a waterlogged blot. ‘I saw you bring back Herb. Bring her back!’ He shakes me with each word, as if he can shake his conviction into me.

‘Don’t you get it?’ I say, with a sob that’s also a laugh. ‘I killed her, Daniel! I want her dead!’

‘This isn’t justice for Jessica,’ Daniel says, his voice raw, wild. ‘All these deaths? This is revenge!’

‘No. It’s justice.’

‘This won’t bring back Jessica!’

‘You think I don’t know that? I’m saving the people it’snottoo late for, Daniel.’

‘It’s not too late for Serena!’

He releases me, and with a fierce expression, springs towards her. He’s down by her side, pushing the wet hair out of her face, pressing her jaw to make her mouth open, clearly preparing to try to bring her back himself.

That’s not how you do CPR, I want to tell him. You have to start with chest compressions.

And then I’m remembering.

Catapulted back to that night, that horrific night when my life split in two, when my heart cracked open, forever broken. The night that became the pulsing, living centre of all my regrets and rage.

I didn’t run to the couch to get the fuzzy blanket first, to wrap Jessica in.

No. The first thing I did was CPR.

It’s too awful to remember. I suppose that’s why I snipped it out of the story.

I saw her foot, pale. Her body, bloody and wet on the kitchen floor. I was CPR certified and my training kicked in. Down by her body (too cold, too blue), my hands ploughing into her chest with violent, downward strokes. Live, live, live. Blood on my eggshell blouse. My lips pressed against hers in the mockery of a kiss.

When she started breathing again, I was so hopped up on adrenaline, it almost didn’t register.

Then I wrapped her in the blanket and called 9-1-1.

You saved her life, they told me later.

Except they were wrong. First, I failed to protect her from herself. And then, by bringing her back, I condemned her.

‘How could you leave her alone in the apartment?’ Beth Ann shrieked in the hospital waiting room. They’d taken Jessica back for emergency surgery. She had a brain haemorrhage; they had to operate right away. ‘You broke the rules!’

Jessica told me she was fine. She said she didn’t need a goddamn babysitter. She said, go to your networking thing. Don’t worry about me. So I did.

But I couldn’t say that out loud. It sounded childish. Insufficient. So I said nothing and let Beth Ann shriek.

I almost didn’t mind her shouting. I deserved it. The first thirty days post-treatment, Jessica wasn’t supposed to be alone, and I had flouted the rules, thinking she knew better; thinking I knew better.

Something is scratchy and rough on my knees. The sand. I’ve knelt by Jessica.

No, it’s Serena.

‘She doesn’t deserve saving,’ I say.

‘And you’re willing to go to prison for this?’

I turn to look at Daniel, and the memory I was inside slips off like a coat, leaving me cold and shaking.

Daniel is an eyewitness, and if Serena dies, I have no doubt he’ll testify against me.

I’ve always told myself I was going to be smarter than my mom. I would also kill the bad guys, but I would get away with it. I came here this year to do one thing. And I did it. But with Daniel here, everything has changed. Is Serena’s toxicity worth getting locked away for? What is the value of her life weighed against mine?

---