Page 95 of Beach Bodies

Then I heard a splash. When I turned, the paddle board was empty, a useless life jacket sitting on the front of theboard; he’d taken it off. He surfaced quite a way from his board, his head popping up briefly before it sank back down. He was in trouble.

I crawled towards him with strong strokes. One of his arms burst up and I reached out, confident I could grab it and pull us back to the paddle board. And then—

You’ll just keep being a fat slob.

My heart stuttered.

Had he been working here earlier this year? During our free stay in the spring, for instance? Had Jessica perhaps even consulted with him? Had she heard those exact words fall from his lips?

I pulled back my hand.

For a minute, I just treaded water, my legs scissoring, arms swirling. If he surfaces again, I’ll help him, I promised myself.

He didn’t. The paddle board was already far to my right, carried sideways by the current, the oar nowhere in sight.

I swam back to shore, towelled off and went back to my room, arms and legs aching from my long swim. I showered, packed my things, and the next morning, I left.

For days, I kept replaying what I’d done, and the more I replayed it, the better it felt.

Now he’d never call anyone a fat slob ever again.

I imagined how happy Jessica would be, that this level of toxicity had been scrubbed out of the world. That what had perhaps been said to her would not be said to some other girl, on some other day.

I did worry, though. Had anyone seen me out there? The water was in full view of the beach and the resort. Granted,not many people were swimming in the evening, and no one was as far out as us. It would be hard to spot us as anything but little black blobs. The lifeguards were no longer on duty; at that time of evening, you swam at your own risk. But still– would someone eventually come knocking at my door? ‘Ma’am, you’re under arrest for the death of…’ Shit, I didn’t even know his name.

But the knock never came. Time slipped by. His disappearance didn’t make the news, at least not the outlets I followed.

Still, I kept searchingRiovan drowning death, orSwimmer fails to save paddle boarder, or any other number of key words that occurred to me on any given day, sometimes multiple times a day. Nothing.

Until one day, I got a result. I clicked the link, adrenaline already pulsing through me. It took me straight to the Riovan website.

We Are Hiring! Do you have lifeguarding experience? Do you have a passion for keeping swimmers safe? Hourly wages plus room and board at the Caribbean’s hottest wellness resort! Come be a part of our culture. Save a life, and change your life!

I stared and stared at the open call on the screen.

Save a life and change my life?

It all clicked. Ihadsaved a life, when I let the nutritionist die. I’d saved the lives of all the people he could no longer berate. I’d failed to be vigilant with Jessica, but I could redeem myself at the Riovan. I could guard lives by saving them from the predators that had devoured my Jessica.

I felt Jessica, somehow, in the room with me, bestowing her approval on my plan.

I hitApply.

*

Now, with the hum of the machines soft in the air and the familiar hospital smell of antiseptic around me, it’s easy to imagine no time has passed. That the five years that have gone by were just a fever dream.

I draw up a chair by Jessica’s side, trailing my eyes over the tube they’ve put through her throat, the blue geometric print on her hospital gown, the orange Do Not Resuscitate bracelet on her left wrist. The way her collarbones make such a beautiful V. I remember kissing those collarbones. A profound ache fills me. I draw her hand into mine, warm and limp, and for a moment, I let my head hang, feeling the heaviness of my breath, the heaviness of what it means to be alive.

I’m sorry, Jessica.The words gush out of my heart.I’m sorry I wasn’t your hero. I’m sorry I let my guard down when it was your turn to need saving… I’m sorry I couldn’t put your pieces back together…

But when I open my mouth, it’s not apologies that come out.

‘That first morning,’ I whisper. My voice catches. ‘Remember? After our first night together? I woke up before you did, and… I just looked at you. I don’t think I’ve ever been more in the moment, Jessica. I knew– I justknewI’d found something I had to hang on to, something most people never find. I promised myself I would build my life around you. I know I didn’t say it out loud right away. Imean… maybe it would’ve freaked you out. Too close too fast, you know? Maybe I didn’t even realize I was making that promise…’

Memories of that morning play before my eyes. The sheets twisted around her perfect body. The sound of traffic, gentle behind the glass, like the world had stepped back to give us some space. The smell of yeast and sugar. She ran down to get doughnuts while I made terrible coffee in her French press I didn’t actually know how to use, and she declared she would be in charge of the coffee from then on. She claimed the chocolate doughnut and got crumbs on her nose. I kissed them off.

‘Maybe I couldn’t save you,’ I whisper. Tears crowd my eyes, spilling over, dripping down on to Jessica. ‘Maybe love doesn’t always mean we can rescue each other. But– I should have married you, Jessica. I wanted to propose, but I kept waiting for that perfect moment, and… I didn’t do it.’

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