Page 13 of Our Secrets and Lies

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Lucy tiptoed down the stairs, not wanting to meet anyone before she left. She didn’t want to have to lie any more, she just wanted to go.

The door from the shop opened and Tina looked into the kitchen. ‘You’re off then, love?’

Lucy nodded.

Tina walked over and gave her a hug. Then she looked directly into Lucy’s eyes. ‘Okay, pet, but please remember, if you change your mind and decide thatthis class trip isn’t for you, I’m here for you. Don’t do anything that feels wrong. All right?’

Lucy didn’t trust herself to speak. Did Tina know? Had she guessed? ‘I won’t be gone long, Mum,’ she said. ‘I’ll be home on Sunday.’

‘I’ll be waiting for you.’

Lucy kissed her mother’s cheek. She felt like her heart was breaking. She had never, ever thought things would turn out like this. It waslike a nightmare, but soon she’d wake up and it would all be over.

The two young women sat in the busy airport bar, nursing coffees.

‘I didn’t know what to pack for an abortion trip,’ Sarah said. ‘I kept packing and unpacking. Eventually I just put in jeans and a sweatshirt. I doubt we’ll be going clubbing.’

‘Clubbing?’ Lucy looked at her friend and a bubble rose in her throat. She began tolaugh. It was slightly hysterical andexploded out of her chest like a blessed relief from all of her worry. Sarah joined in and they were soon creased over.

Lucy wiped tears from her eyes. ‘God, Sarah, I needed that.’

‘Me too. I was so scared this morning that my mum, who barely notices I exist, actually asked me if I was all right.’

‘I think my mum knows,’ Lucy admitted. ‘She said to me thismorning, “If you change your mind, I’m here for you.” She knows I’m not going on a class trip.’

‘Did it make you reconsider?’ Sarah asked.

‘God, no. There is no way I can have a baby. I need to finish my degree and get into a top firm, which means signing over my life to them. You have to be a slave to your job to climb the ladder.’

‘I know, but you also need to be one hundred per cent surebefore you go ahead. I mean, if you have any doubts, we can postpone,’ Sarah said.

Lucy shook her head. ‘I still want to go ahead. It’s the only way to sort out this mess. But it’s weird – since Gabriel attacked me yesterday I feel really protective of the baby. It’s as if I have to look after it and keep it safe from that horrible man. I know it sounds mad, but it’s … It’s a strange feeling.’

‘Lucy, you could change your mind and keep the baby,’ Sarah said. ‘It would be complicated and difficult, and you’d have to take a year out of college, but you could go back after, finish your degree and still have a great career. Lots of women do it and you have two great parents who love you and will support you. I’ll help out too.’

Lucy bit her lip. ‘No way. I can’t do it to my dad. He’d dieof shame and disappointment. He’s worked so hard to give us a good life and he’s so proud that I’m studying law in Trinity and coming top of the class. It would just kill him. I know it would.’

Sarah took her friend’s hand in hers. ‘Billy loves you. No matter what you do, that will never change. Yes, he probably will be upset and disappointed at first, but if you tell him you have a plan to deferfor a year and then go back, and if you show him you’re determined to do it all, he’ll be okay. He adores you, Lucy. You can do no wrong in his eyes. You’re really lucky.’

‘But that’s just it, Sarah, I know he has me on a pedestal and I can’t disappoint him. It’s not fair.’

‘For goodness’ sake, Lucy, your dad grew up in the inner city with nothing. Most of his old friends are in prison or sellingdrugs – a baby isn’t going to kill him. You have two great parents, and even if they are upset, they’ll get over it – they’ll adore the baby and help you. If anyone can do it all, you can. You’re the most focused and hard-working person I know. You can make this work.’

‘What about Tom?’ Lucy said.

What about Tom? Sarah thought grumpily. Where was he now? Hiding under his bed, the coward. ‘Well,that’s something I can’t answer. How do you think he’d react if you told him you’d decided to keep the baby?’

Lucy paused. This conversation was ridiculous. She couldn’t have a baby. She was twenty-one. She had her whole life mapped out. Besides, Tom would … Well, Tom would probably … What would Tom do? He’d said he loved her, he’d said he’d be there for her after the abortion, so would he bethere for her if she had the baby? They’d never even discussed the possibility. Lucy had just told him she was getting rid of it and that was that. But he’d never argued against it. He’d just gone along and seemed happy enough.

But he loved her and she loved him, and it would be their baby. It could bring them closer. Maybe it would finally make him stand up to his father. If she deferred fora year, Tomcould continue and graduate next year as planned. It wouldn’t have to affect his life too much.

‘I think Tom might be okay about it,’ Lucy said. ‘But it’s ridiculous. I mean, where would we live? How would we support a baby?’

‘Well, you could stay with your mum and dad while you were pregnant and finish this year in college, and Tom could get a job in the summer and make enough moneyto rent a little flat or move in with you when the baby is born or something.’

Lucy tried to imagine Tom living in her parents’ house. It would be way too weird. They’d have to find a flat. But she could finish this third year of her law degree and she’d only have to defer her final year for twelve months. She could study while she was looking after the baby and get ahead on her year off so she’ddo extra well in her exams and ace them.

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