Page 153 of Our Secrets and Lies

‘Come on, stop beating yourself up.’

‘I failed her, Jenny. What kind of mother doesn’t see that her daughter is suicidal? I’m so ashamed of and angry with myself. I’ll never forgive myself, never.’

‘We all failed her, Lucy. None of us saw it.’

‘But I’m her mother. I’m supposed to protect her and I didn’t. I sent her into that school day after day to be bullied and humiliated. I ignored her when she told me she hated it. I forced her to go there, and all because I wanted her to be better than me. I destroyed her happiness because I was so hell bent on proving that I was the best mother inthe world. What kind of person does that?’

Jenny exhaled deeply. ‘The kind of person who wants the best for their kids. You did nothing wrong, Lucy. You took an opportunity and went with it. We all messed up. None of us listened to Kelly.’

‘She tried to tell me, Jenny, but I didn’t want to hear. I wanted her to shine in St Jude’s more than for her to be happy.’

‘Well, okay, your obsession withSt Jude’s was a little blinding, but Dylan loves it there and you presumed Kelly would settle in eventually.’

‘How am I ever going to make it up to her?’

Jenny seized her opportunity. ‘Kelly loves you and she knows you adore her. She’s the most big-hearted person I know. I was just talking to her and she was saying she’d like to see Tom.’

Lucy groaned. ‘I want him to go away. Why did he haveto turn up now, in the middle of this crisis? He must think I’ma wretched person and the loser his father said I was. I certainly proved them right.’

‘Stop it.’ Jenny felt anger rising inside her. ‘Jesus, Lucy, stop bloody obsessing about what they think. For Christ’s sake, who gives a damn what Tom or Gabriel thinks? It’s what Kelly and Dylan think that matters. Why do you still care? Haveyou not learnt anything from all this? For God’s sake, let it go.’

Lucy sat back away from her. ‘I just don’t need Tom coming in here seeing us at our worst, and don’t you dare lecture me. You lied to me and kept the secret that he was coming over. You went behind my back. You should have told me. You should have prepared me. And I can’t help caring what they think of me. When someone humiliatesyou, treats you like dirt and makes you feel like scum, it hurts.’ Lucy was crying. ‘It hurts like hell.’

‘I know it hurt you, but it was a long time ago and you raised two wonderful kids who love you and need you. Stop wasting your time thinking about bloody Gabriel. It’s making you blind, Lucy, blind to your kids’ needs. You’re stuck in the past. Move on! We nearly lost Kelly. You have to stopbeing so hard on your kids and making them think they have to be the best and succeed all the time, not go out to parties and make mistakes like normal kids. Let them breathe. Stop micro-managing their lives. Listen to them. Listen to what they want. Kelly wants to know her dad, and if that’s what she needs right now, then you’re just going to bloody well have to suck it up and agree to it.’

Jenny was right. The only people whose opinion mattered about her mothering were the twins. Why had she let Gabriel and her anger towards him distract her so much? The twins were all that mattered. Their love and respect was all she should need. She had to start listening to them. Lucy’s headthrobbed. She’d been so foolish, spending all this time and energy being angry and stupid … really, reallystupid.

‘I just wanted to prove to them that I was a good mother. But you’re right. I’ve wasted far too much time being angry with Tom and his rotten father. I’m such a fool. I just want everything to go back to normal.’

‘There’s going to be a new normal now,’ Jenny said firmly. ‘Whether you like it or not, Tom is here. We can’t turn back the clock. You have to accept it and try to manage it.He didn’t know about them, Lucy. He missed all those precious years that you had. You can’t stop him seeing his kids. Don’t drive a wedge between you. They have to be allowed to see him. If you try to block him, you’ll hurt them and you may even lose them. This is not your decision to make. It’s theirs. Stop trying to control everything. Step back and hand control to the twins. They’re almost adults.Let Kelly see Tom. She wants it and she should be allowed to have whatever she wants.’

Lucy covered her face with her hands. ‘It’s just so hard. I’m afraid of letting him in. What if they prefer him to me? What if they choose him? Kelly should choose him – he’d probably have listened to her and protected her instead of pushing her into the lions’ den every day.’

Jenny shook her head. ‘Jesus,Lucy, listen to yourself. You’re talking about how this affects you when the really important thing here is how it affects the twins. Look up, look around you! Those kids need to have a relationship with their dad.’

‘I’m scared, Jenny. It’s not easy.’

‘Try harder,’ Jenny said impatiently.

‘You don’t know what it’s like! You don’t have kids!’ Lucy shouted. ‘Don’t you judge me!’

‘Oh, for Christ’ssake, Lucy. If you don’t stop suffocatingand putting pressure on the twins, they’re going to run a mile the minute they can. And that time is very close now. They’re almost eighteen. Open your bloody eyes! Your daughter tried to kill herself. Something needs to change and that’syou.’

Lucy looked as if she’d been slapped. ‘How dare you say that to me? Don’t you know how bad I feel?’

‘Thereyou go again,’ Jenny said, throwing her hands up. ‘Me, me, me. Stop talking about how badyoufeel and start acting. Make it up to her! Let her do whatever the hell she wants, see who she wants, date who she wants, go to whatever sodding school she wants. And if she wants a career in fashion, then shut up about a bloody law degree and let her do it. Stop crying and start making real changes.’

‘You don’t have to be such a bitch,’ Lucy cried.

‘Get your head out of your arse before it’s too late!’ Jenny shouted. She got up and stormed off.

When Kelly opened her eyes, her mum was sitting in the armchair beside the couch. She looked like she’d been crying, but she looked like that all the time now.

‘How do you feel?’ Lucy asked her, for the millionth time.

‘Good, thanks.’

‘Ollie hassomething for you. Can he come in?’

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