Page 155 of Our Secrets and Lies

55

Lucy tossed and turned in her bed. She couldn’t sleep. There was a text from Tom on her phone, which she hadn’t answered, asking her to meet up with him, and Jenny’s words kept ringing in her head.

If you don’t stop suffocating the twins they’re going to run a mile … Your daughter tried to kill herself. Something needs to change and that’s you … Make it up to her, let her do whatever thehell she wants … Stop crying and start making real changes.

She threw off the duvet and stood up, opened the curtains and looked out at the cloudless sky. The moon shone brightly down. All of the houses were in darkness. All around her people slept. Families were in their beds. Did the parents who slept so soundly know what their children were thinking? Did they know that beside them, in thenext room, a child could be contemplating killing herself? Was Lucy the only parent who had no idea what her child was suffering? The only blind fool?

What if Kelly had died? Lucy would have been responsible. One hundred per cent responsible for her daughter’s death. ‘Why did she do it?’ people would have asked. Why? Her mother forced her to go to a posh school she hated because she wanted toimpress some old bastard who’d shamed her nearly eighteen years ago. ‘Is the mother insane?’ people would have wondered.

Am I? Lucy thought. Jenny’s words needled her and so did Damien’s, from that awful night when she’d broken up with him. She pressed tears back into her eyes. Yes, I am, shethought. I’m crazy to have let this go on. I’m certifiable to have allowed Gabriel and his spinelessson to continue to affect my life and the lives of my children. What have I done?

Lucy felt more lonely than she’d ever felt in her life. It was a sense of pure emptiness. She suddenly knew she needed to talk to the one person who knew her best, who was always there for her in a crisis. The person who had been with her on this journey from the day she’d done the pregnancy test.

Lucy peeped inand saw that Kelly was fast asleep. Dylan was snoring so loudly she didn’t even have to look into his room. She tiptoed down the stairs, grabbed her coat and boots and headed up the road.

She went to the back of the house and threw a pebble at the bedroom window. It made her feel thirteen years old again. After the fourth pebble, the curtain was pulled back and a bleary face appeared at the window.

Darren peered down at Lucy, then his eyes went wide in shock. He yanked open the window and half whispered, half shouted, ‘Jesus, Lucy, what’s happened? Is everyone okay?’

Lucy held up her hands. ‘Everyone’s fine. I just … I need to talk to Sarah.’

He looked at her uncertainly. ‘Look, if you’re going to rip her to shreds for not telling you about Tom, can’t it wait till the morning?’

Lucy shookher head. ‘It’s not like that, Darren. I need her advice. I just need to talk to my friend.’

He looked alarmed as she started to cry. ‘Two seconds,’ he called down. Then she heard him saying Sarah’s name.

A few seconds later, the kitchen light flared on, then the door was unbolted and pulled open. Sarah stood there in her pyjamas, hair wild. ‘Come on in,’ she said quietly.

Lucy went over andlooked at her friend. ‘I know it’sthe middle of the night, and I’m sorry, Sarah. I feel like I’m going mad.’

‘It’s okay,’ Sarah said. ‘I’ll click on the kettle.’

Lucy cupped her hands around the warm mug and looked her friend in the eye. ‘I need you to be honest with me. Really honest. Brutally honest.’

Sarah took a deep breath. ‘Okay.’

‘Jenny said some things to me today that hurt like hell.’

‘What did she say?’ Sarah asked.

‘She said that the situation has to change, and that means I have to change. She said if I don’t, I’ll lose my kids. She said I have to start letting them go, trusting them to make good decisions.’ Lucy looked at Sarah nervously. ‘The night I broke up with Damien he said some stuff too. That I was letting Gabriel cast a shadow over my whole life and that I hadto move on from it.’

‘Are you asking me if I think the same thing?’ Sarah said.

Lucy nodded miserably. ‘If you agree with them, I’ll know it’s really true.’

Sarah sipped her tea. ‘Yes, I do agree with them,’ she said.

Lucy bent her head and began to cry softly.

‘You asked me to be brutally honest,’ Sarah said, ‘so I’ll throw in my two cents’ worth. I think Jenny loves you so much that she’sgone along with your decisions over the years, but I think she’s always known in her heart that some of those decisions came from the wrong place. It sounds like Damien copped it too. You were dealt a hard hand, Lucy. Getting pregnant as a teenager is really tough, but you held your head high and you did it. You were lucky with the support you had. While you always acknowledge that support, youalso have a tendency sometimes to talk like a victim.’

Lucy’s head shot up, her mouth open to protest. Sarahheld up her hand. ‘You’ve always described getting pregnant as this terrible thing that happened to you, that ruined all your plans, that was so hard for you. But it wasn’t just you. Billy’s life has been deeply affected, and Jenny’s, to an extent. Some girls who get pregnant young haveno help at all. You had a lot of help and support. But you’ve been so angry that sometimes I think you forget it wasn’t just your life that was turned upside-down. You were so devastated by Tom’s leaving and crushed by Gabriel that it ate you up inside. You’ve been angry for a long time, Lucy, and you need to let it go. You kept saying you couldn’t go back to college or finish your degree, but ifyou’d really wanted to, you could have done. You know we would all have helped you. So, why didn’t you? Why not?’

Lucy was shocked silent. She had never, ever heard Sarah speak like that before. Her voice was calm, but her words were like tiny cuts. ‘Are you calling me self-pitying?’ she finally managed to ask.

‘At times you have been, yes,’ Sarah said. ‘You asked for brutal honesty, remember?’

---