Page 156 of Our Secrets and Lies

‘Jesus, I had no idea you thought about me like this.’

‘I love you,’ Sarah said matter-of-factly. ‘You’re like a sister to me, but that doesn’t mean you’re perfect. I’m sure if I asked you to be brutally honest about me, there’d be things you’d have to say. But right now we’re dealing with a girl we all adore and who nearly lost her life. This is too serious for sugar-coating, Lucy. I’m goingto be blunt.’

‘I understand,’ Lucy whispered. ‘You’re right.’

‘So answer my question,’ Sarah said. ‘Why did you never go back to college?’

There was a long silence before Lucy raised her head again. ‘I was scared,’ she said quietly. ‘I thought if I tried, I’d probably fail. The things Gabriel said about me, how helooked at me, they got under my skin. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I guessI started believing it. I felt like a failure, so his words just confirmed what I already thought about myself. I was terrified to go back to law and do badly. Everything that happened shattered my confidence, in myself and in life. I didn’t want to prove him right.’

‘You should never have let him hold that much power over you.’ Sarah was upset too. ‘You’ve allowed Gabriel to keep you from livingyour life.’

Lucy dragged her sleeve roughly across her face. ‘I know,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t let it go. But in a weird way, the hatred I felt for Gabriel and Tom drove me on. It kept me going on days when I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. It kept me motivated when being a single mum felt like it was too much. I honestly thought that proving them wrong and making sure my kids succeeded wasgood motivation. Oh, God, I’m such an idiot. I let them control my life and my decisions. How could I be so stupid?’ She groaned and began to cry again. ‘I hurt Kelly. I hurt my daughter to prove a stupid point to people I hate. I’m a monster.’

‘No, you’re not,’ Sarah said firmly. ‘The Lucy I know and love is fair-minded, funny, loving and loyal. She is a wonderful friend, daughter and sister.She is the most devoted mother I’ve ever met. She is the heart of her family, the rock. Don’t you see? You are such a beautiful person, Lucy, but this thorn in your side has been poisoning you and blinding you. But it’s only a thorn. You can pull it out and throw it away. Now that you know it’s there, and you can see it, you can get rid of it.’

‘I have so much to change and make up for,’ Lucysaid, sniffing.

‘You can do it, Lucy,’ Sarah said. ‘I think you know what your mum would say if she was here with us now.’

Lucy looked at her. ‘Jesus, I’m so glad she isn’t here to see this. I’d have broken her heart.’

‘No, you wouldn’t,’ Sarah said, pushing her hair back from her forehead. ‘She would be so proud of all you’ve done for your children, and she’d be even more proud of you sittinghere admitting to your mistakes. That’s way harder. But you’re doing it. And you’re going to make the changes. She’d tell you that life was short. Pick yourself up and start again.’

Lucy smiled weakly. ‘She would,’ she said. ‘I miss her so much.’

‘You were lucky to have two great parents,’ Sarah said. ‘Lucy, I really missed having a dad, it hurt like hell and my mother became so bitter. Yougrew up surrounded by love, which was why you were able to deal with everything life threw at you. Because of your parents’ love and support, you were strong and able. Don’t deprive Dylan and Kelly of a father who wants to know them and love them. You have a chance now to rise above the past, to be better than Gabriel.’

Lucy looked at her. ‘Do you … do you think I’ve been like him?’

‘No,’ Sarahsaid, shaking her head. ‘He’s an ignorant sod who does things to hurt people. You only ever act out of good intentions. But if you allow his insults to hold any more power over you, it will affect your relationship with the twins – badly. Forget about the past, forget about hurt and revenge and proving anything to anyone. Just be yourself, trust yourself, let yourself breathe and love and livethe way you want to. Stop pushing the twins and let them be who they’re meant to be, not who you think they should be. If you don’t, well, if you don’t …’

‘I’ll lose them for ever,’ Lucy said grimly. ‘It hasn’t been easy to hear this, but you and Jenny and Damien are right.I’m actually exhausted from thinking about Gabriel and Tom and being fuelled by anger. It’s worn me out.’

‘So what areyou going to do?’ Sarah asked.

Lucy set her face into the determined expression Sarah knew so well. ‘I’m going to think very carefully about everything you’ve said, and I’m going to start making some serious changes.’

‘I hope I wasn’t too hard on you?’ Sarah asked.

‘You said what I needed to hear. I came here because I trust you one hundred per cent.’

‘Look, I’m sorry too. When Tom got intouch, I should have talked to you. I could never find the right time, but I should have tried harder.’

Lucy shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter. I would just have gone off the deep end and ranted and raged. And I definitely wouldn’t have given him a chance. I can see now why it was impossible for you to tell me about it.’ She sighed deeply. ‘I’ve made terrible mistakes, Sarah. If I’d lost Kelly,I’d have thrown myself off a bridge. But by some miracle she’s still with us, which means I have a second chance.’

Sarah bit her lip, trying to stop the tears that were welling up. ‘I know this has been a horrendous week for you. But you can change things and make them better for all of you. I’m here for you – we all are.’

‘And if I do happen to bump into Gabriel I can always stab him with Ollie’srevenge sword.’ Lucy smiled.

Sarah looked at her, puzzled, and Lucy explained about Ollie’s gift for Kelly.

‘Oh, my God,’ Sarah laughed, ‘what am I raising?’

‘He’s absolutely wonderful,’ Lucy said warmly.

‘They all are,’ Sarah said. ‘We’re doing a pretty good job, you and me. We may not ever get a mother-of-the-year award, but we’re doing enough.’

Lucy couldn’t see it that way, not rightnow. The scars on her daughter’s wrists meant she could only feel sick dread at what had almost happened, and her role in it. The words of Sarah, Jenny and Damien were rolling around in her head, impossible to ignore. She knew they had all tried before, particularly Jenny, but she’d built a hard shell around her that meant nothing said could get through to her. But now it had.

She owed Damienan apology. When things calmed down, she’d call him and say she was sorry face to face. Maybe she could rebuild the bridges she’d burnt there too.

What Kelly had done had smashed through every defence Lucy had erected. Nothing would ever be the same again. She had to find the strength inside herself to make some tough changes. There was no other way forward now.

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