Page 157 of Our Secrets and Lies

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Lucy sat at the corner table in the hotel bar. To the right of them, a woman played traditional Christmas songs on the piano. A huge fir tree groaned under the weight of tinsel and baubles.

Lucy clenched her hands as a waiter placed their coffees on the table and a plate with two slices of chocolate cake between them. ‘I told you not to order me food. I’m not hungry,’ she said.

‘I thoughtyou might decide to have some. It doesn’t matter.’ Tom pushed the cake aside. ‘I want to thank you for agreeing to meet me. I didn’t hold out much hope, I can tell you.’

‘It’s not what I really want,’ Lucy said, ‘but this is where things are at and we have to deal with it.’

‘I want to say a huge sorry to you,’ Tom said. ‘Before anything else, I’m so sorry. I was stupid and blind and too scaredof my father to do what I should have done, to do the right thing. I’m really sorry about that. I pay for it every day of my life.’

Lucy thought about her own life and the effect Gabriel had had on her. In truth, she realized suddenly, she didn’t have much of a leg to stand on when it came to judging Tom’s behaviour. ‘We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, Tom,’ she said. ‘I wish you’d madedifferent choices, but we can’t rewrite the past, can we?’

‘No,’ he said. ‘I can’t change it, even though it kills me.’ He looked up at her. ‘But I’d like a chance to explain, if you’lllisten. I know it doesn’t matter in one way, but I’d love to describe what it was like from my side.’

Lucy nodded. ‘I’ll listen.’

‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘I know what I did was unforgivable. I was so weak andpathetic. I let my dad bully me into abandoning you and then I didn’t have the backbone to come home and fix things. I’ve tried to make sense of it, but the only excuse I have is that Dad was all I had. I never knew my mother and I spent my whole life craving Dad’s approval and love. I know it’s stupid, but he always made me feel inadequate, as if I was letting him down. I was desperate to make himproud of me and the only way I knew how to do that was to do as he told me. I hated my childhood – it was so lonely in that house. I think that’s why I liked school so much, because I got to be with other kids. If I’d refused to go to New York, I knew Dad would never speak to me again and I was terrified of that.’ He took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them and looked ather.

‘I’m so ashamed of what I did to you. I was mad about you. It hurt like hell to leave, but in the end I was too weak to choose you over him. I left you because I was scared of him. I honestly thought you’d have the abortion and move on. After going to New York and leaving you, I thought it was best to let you get on with your life. I figured you’d come out top of the class, marry some fellowgenius lawyer and have a huge career. I messed everything up. I am completely to blame for all of it. I’m sorrier than I can ever say. If it’s any consolation, my life has been empty and very lonely. I’m divorced and have no kids – I mean, no other kids. I hate myself for what I did. I really do, Lucy.’

Lucy took a sip of coffee, then cradled the cup in her hands. ‘It does make me feel betterthat your life didn’t turn out well. It may seem spiteful, but it does. I was twenty-one,Tom, a young girl trying to make my way in the world, a girl with a bright future, and you destroyed that. If you’d stayed, we could have worked it out so we could both have stayed in college and, much more importantly, the kids would have known their father. I’m not saying we would have got married and livedhappily ever after, but we would have muddled through, sharing custody at least. But you just walked away and never even had the balls to tell me to my face or to ask what happened. I could have died having the abortion or got an infection or changed my mind, as I did, but you never bothered to find out.

‘My parents were heartbroken that I got pregnant and dropped out of college, but they supportedme. If it wasn’t for them, I’d have ended up on the street. You just left me and never looked back. When I saw your father to try to find you, he called me a slut and kicked me out of the house. Do you have any idea how humiliating that was? Do you have any idea how crushed I felt? How belittled and demeaned?

‘Everything I wanted out of life was taken from me. I had to dig so deep to get throughthose first years with the twins. And then, just when I was beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel, Mum got cancer. I had to nurse her and watch her die. So while you were feeling lonely, I was being crushed under the weight of responsibility, grief and heartbreak.’

Tom rubbed his eyes. ‘Lucy, I’m sorry. As I said, I thought I was doing you a favour by not contacting you. Dad told meyou’d had the abortion and it all went well. I believed him. I guess I wanted to believe him. I know it sounds shallow and selfish, and it was – it is. I was a stupid kid who didn’t have the balls to stand up to his tyrant of a father. And because of that you were left alone and abandoned and I missed out on my children’s lives, which hurts like hell. I wish I could turnback the clock. I wishI could make it up to you and the twins somehow …’ Tom wiped his eyes with a napkin.

Lucy knew there was nothing he could do to make up for what he had done. He’d lived with his mistake and, to be fair, he really did seem to have had a sad and empty life. Her life had been difficult, but she’d had the twins to bring her so much joy, to fill her days, her life and her heart. She had hated himfor so long. But now as she looked at this thin man, weeping into a napkin, full of remorse and sorrow, she felt nothing. She kind of felt sorry for him. She thought about what Jenny had said. It wasn’t about her, it was about the kids and what they wanted.

‘So what do you want?’ Lucy asked, even though part of her didn’t want to know the answer. She took a deep breath and tried to control heremotions.

‘I don’t want anything,’ Tom said. ‘Well, I suppose I do, in that I’d like the chance to get to know the twins. If they’d like that.’

‘Okay,’ Lucy said. ‘The only thing that matters now is the twins’ happiness. Kelly wants you in her life, so you can see her whenever you like. Dylan doesn’t want to see you – he’s very angry. I won’t have you stalking him. If he wants to talk to you,he’ll do so in his own good time, but he may never want to, Tom. You have to face that fact.’

Tom looked at her gratefully. This was hard for him, Lucy could see. But it had been harder for Dylan to grow up with no dad.

‘You were never in his life, never there. He has never needed you and he doesn’t feel he needs you now. Maybe over time he’ll soften, but if he doesn’t, it’s his decision. Youdo not get to come back here and start interfering in their lives. They will dictate if they want to see you, not me or you.’

‘I totally agree,’ Tom said. ‘I swear I’ll never push myselfon them. I understand Dylan’s anger – I’d have been angry if my dad was never around too. Mind you,’ Tom laughed bitterly, ‘I had a dad who was present and I hated him.’

‘Yeah, well, you didn’t get so luckythere.’

‘I often wonder whether he would have been nicer if my mother hadn’t died. Would she have made him let me stay and stand up to my responsibilities?’

Lucy pursed her lips. ‘As a woman, I’m sure she would. Women don’t run away. They stay and stick it out.’

‘You’ve done an incredible job, Lucy. The twins are amazing. You’re a wonderful mother. All credit to you.’

Lucy felt a lump buildingin her throat. ‘I thought I was doing a good job too but now, well, I’m not so sure I’m Mother of the Year with a daughter who tried to kill herself. I failed, and failed badly.’

‘Hey, this is not your fault. No one is to blame except those heartless bullies. I had no idea kids could be so cruel. It’s mind-blowing to think they could hurt Kelly like that. She’s so … she’s so …’

‘Wonderful?’

Tom smiled. ‘Yes.’

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