Page 160 of Our Secrets and Lies

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Lucy sat in the hard-backed chair staring at the poster on the wall.You can be all that you want to be. Anything is possible.She’d always hated inspirational posters, usually with a sunset or a seascape, then some obvious caption that was supposed to blow your mind. This one seemed to be mocking her. She remembered having a similar poster in her bedroom at seventeen – ‘Wish it, dream it,do it.’ Back then she’d been so full of optimism and confidence.

Where had that girl gone? She’d been replaced by a woman who felt old, tired and a failure. Lucy held her handbag tightly on her lap and took a deep breath. She needed to be calm and dig deep. She felt sick. What if they refused?

‘Mrs Donoghue will see you now,’ the secretary said, smiling at her. She walked her to the door ofthe principal’s office, knocked gently, then opened the door and guided Lucy inside.

‘Good morning, Ms Murphy,’ the principal said, standing up to shake her hand over the desk. ‘Take a seat, please.’

‘Thank you,’ Lucy said, sitting down. ‘And thank you for agreeing to see me at such short notice, Mrs Donoghue.’

‘Please call me Laura,’ she said. ‘And I heard about Kelly. The school grapevinesends news fast. I was shocked and so sorry to hear it. Is she doing okay?’

Lucy nodded. ‘Yes, very well. It was a horrendous shock to us all, but since it happened, Kelly has been able to talk about what was going on with her. I want to help her in any way I can, which is why I’m here.’

Laura nodded. ‘I’m guessing you’d like her to return to Woodside to complete fifth and sixth year.’

‘Yes,’Lucy said. ‘That’s exactly what I’m here to ask. I know it’s a huge inconvenience, but I can’t let her go back to St Jude’s.’

‘Was she unhappy there from the start?’ Laura asked.

‘Yes,’ Lucy admitted.

‘Poor Kelly. Were there warning signs? Did you notice the strain she was under?’

Lucy felt her face redden. She admired and respected the principal and she could see that Laura Donoghue was wonderinghow things had gone so wrong. Or, more to the point, how Lucy had got it all so wrong. She felt humiliated and stupid. It was like she had a sign over her head: ‘Bad mother, shit mother, worst mother in the whole bloody world.’ That was what everyone would think of her now.

‘I did notice that she wasn’t her usual self,’ she said, ‘but I didn’t realize the extent of it. I thought she was justtaking a little time to settle. She didn’t tell me what was going on. I had no idea she was being bullied.’ Lucy’s voice caught. She cleared her throat. ‘A lot of it happened online and I was clueless to it all. I realize that makes me sound like a really bad mother and, believe me, I feel like one. I should have been more vigilant of their social media lives, but when I checked the twins’ Facebookpages they were totally innocent. I know now they were fake pages and that they had different ones where they socialized. As for WhatsApp, Kelly deleted the nasty messages – thank God Shannon took photos whenever she could.’ Lucy sighed. ‘I missed it, Laura. I missed my daughter’s suffering and I will never forgive myself. I have to make it up to her and ensure she’s safe and happy.’

‘I’m a parenttoo,’ Laura said kindly. ‘I’m well aware that our children have ways and means of circumventing us. I’mnot judging you, Lucy, but it is important that I understand what happened so that I can be aware of how Kelly is doing, of what might trigger her anxiety, and of how her family situation helps or hinders her. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but when a student tries to take their own life, it’s avery serious situation.’

Lucy gripped the strap of her bag even tighter. She knew she had to be honest, even though it was the last thing she wanted. But it wasn’t about her: it was only Kelly who mattered now.

‘I understand,’ she said, nodding. ‘Well, as you know, I took Kelly out of Woodside because of Dylan’s scholarship. That opportunity they were given meant more to me than anything else.I’m a single mother – their father left before they were born. I dropped out of college to look after them and I’ve spent the last two decades caught up in pushing them to do well, pushing them to live out my failed ambitions and dreams. I was so blinded that I didn’t see Kelly was suffering much more than just new-school teething problems. I was so focused on my own hang-ups, I didn’t see thatmy daughter was being pushed right to the edge by her classmates. I kept telling her to go in and do her best and get on with it. That was all she got from me. I just kept pushing her.’ Her eyes filled. The shame of what she had done was acute. But somehow being honest, putting it all out there on the table, was a relief. No more lying and pretending and covering up. She was admitting to this womanthat she had failed and why. How her ambition and disappointment in life had led her to put her own daughter’s life in danger. It was like purging. Lucy felt as if she was shedding a layer of skin. A skin that she had used to protect her and drive her forward all these years, but a skin that had ultimately led her to be blind, stupid and reckless with her precious daughter’s life.She was removingit and stepping out of it, away from Gabriel and St Jude’s and all of it.

Laura said nothing. She was watching Lucy with what seemed to be a mixture of surprise and sympathy.

‘I’ve realized a huge amount about myself and how I parent over the last week,’ Lucy said quietly. ‘I’ve had to own up to a very difficult picture of who I am. While it’s not easy to admit to these things, it’s importantfor me to do so and move forward. I’m ready to change, to be a better mother to my children, and I’m hoping Woodside will help me to do that by letting Kelly come back and giving us both a second chance. Please, I’m begging you.’

The principal sat back in her chair. ‘As a mother, I know it’s horrible to have to admit to mistakes – especially when they have very bad outcomes – but I believe youwhen you say it’s changed you. I admire your honesty.’

Lucy smiled weakly. ‘It’s been very hard won, and far too long in coming.’

‘We all have blind spots,’ Laura said. ‘You shouldn’t keep beating yourself up. The digital world is a huge challenge and most parents are a bit overwhelmed by it. Kelly’s a great girl. I have no doubt she’ll put this behind her and be back to her happy self in notime.’

Lucy gazed hopefully at her. ‘So you’ll take her back?’

‘I’d be delighted to,’ Laura said, smiling widely. ‘We’ll do it in baby steps, give her time to get over the incident and move on, and I’ll keep a very close eye on her to make sure there’s no relapse of any kind. But, yes, Woodside would be very pleased to count Kelly among its students again.’

The tears Lucy had been holding atbay slid down her cheeks. ‘Thank you so much. Honestly.’ She gulped. ‘This means everything to me. To us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.’

Laura stood up and held out her hand. Lucy stood up and shook it.

‘I’ll set the ball rolling at this end,’ the principal said, ‘and I’ll be in touch with you very soon. I’ll talk to the staff, explain things, and we’ll have you and Kelly in for anotherchat before she starts her classes.’

Lucy left the school feeling lighter than she had in a long time. She took out her phone, meaning to text Sarah, but then she stood there staring at the screen. She fired off a text message:Tom, I just had meeting at Woodside. They are taking Kelly back.

It felt so odd to be involving him, but at the same time, it felt like the right thing to do.

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