Page 22 of Our Secrets and Lies

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Lucy waddled along the street to Sarah’s house. The sun was beating down and she was sweating profusely. She felt as if she was in a furnace. She was hot all the time and the warm weather was making it really hard to sleep and walk around. Then there was the weight of the babies pressing down on her bladder, making her feel like she needed to go to the loo every two minutes. Being pregnantsucked, but pregnant with twins was the worst. How could she be so unlucky?

She had just about got her head around having one baby when she’d found out it was two. It had pushed her over the edge. Even her mother had been shocked into silence at the ultrasound.

Lucy was exhausted and weepy all the time. She tried to pretend to her family that she was coping, but she wasn’t. She cried herselfto sleep every night. She prayed all day long that Tom would come back. How the hell could she cope with two babies alone? She longed for the old life, the one before Tom. How had one silly mistake cost her so much? She was the laughing stock of the university and her neighbourhood.

She could hear the locals in the shop whispering to each other. They clearly thought being pregnant had affectedher hearing.

‘She’s huge.’

‘Poor thing, her life is ruined.’

‘Stupid girl, she had it all.’

‘It’s Billy I feel sorry for.’

‘He was always boasting about her. Not much to boast about now.’

‘I thought the younger one was the wild one.’

Lucy would grit her teeth, fake-smile and ask, ‘Can I help you at all?’ and the customers would fake-smile back. Tina said Lucy didn’t have to work in theshop if it was too much, but Lucy had insisted on helping out. She wanted to do as much as she could before the babies arrived so that she wouldn’t feel so guilty when her parents were flat out helping her to raise them.

Panic rose in her throat whenever she thought about after the birth. How would she even feed them? She’d decided not to breastfeed – it was too much. At least with bottles shecould feed one and her mum could feed the other at the same time. And what about when she had finished her degree and was working? Would any guy ever look at her again? Who’d want to go out with someone who had two kids? Lucy’d never get married now. She’d end up on her own, living with her parents and her two fatherless kids. Lucy Murphy, the screw-up.

Her mum kept telling her she was beautifuland smart, and men would line up to be with her. She said that Lucy had to be optimistic and believe she would have the full and wonderful life she deserved. But Lucy wasn’t so sure. What man wanted to raise someone else’s twins?

Lucy stopped walking and wiped sweat from her forehead. She was tempted to lie down in Mrs Molloy’s little front garden and go to sleep, she was so tired. Two hoursof uninterrupted sleep had become a distant memory. Lucy wanted the twins out and her body back. She felt so big and disgusting. She didn’t think she could do another month of this. It was really awful now.

‘What you got in there? A watermelon?’ a cheeky little boy shouted, as he pedalled by on his bicycle.

‘King Kong more like,’ his friend roared.

She shuffled up the road, down the path toSarah’s house and rang the bell. It was ridiculous: she was out of breath having walked barely a hundred yards.

‘Hey, gorgeous.’ Sarah grinned when she opened the door.

‘I know you’re trying to be nice, but I look like a sweaty whale.’

Sarah laughed. ‘Let’s just say you’re not neat. But once they’re out, you’ll be back to yourself in no time. Look at your one Jane Seymour. She had twins a fewyears ago and she’s so skinny now.’

‘I feel like my body’s been taken over by aliens. I want them to come out, but I’m scared of what it’ll be like when they do.’

Sarah led her into the kitchen and got her a glass of cold water.

‘Having one kid was frightening, but two? Seriously, is God having a laugh?’ Lucy said miserably.

Sarah gazed at her best friend. She was like a different person.She had always been petite but now she had this massive bump, which looked so weird and unnatural.

Sarah didn’t know why people said pregnancy was beautiful. The whole thing was putting her off wanting kids. Darren was mad keen to get married and start a family, but Sarah wasn’t so sure. She was happy to get married – they’d been together since they were fifteen, so she knew he was the one. Buta family? She wanted to open a hairdressing salon next year and a baby would just complicate things.

She didn’t want to tell Lucy that Darren had proposed. She’d asked him to wait and not tell anyone until after the babies were born. It wouldn’t be fair to shove her happiness in Lucy’s face when she was having such a tough time.

Sarah said yet another silent prayer that Tom would feel guiltyenough to come back. Darren reckoned he never would, but she didn’t want to give up hope. It didn’t matter if he didn’t want to be with Lucy, but he needed to come back and give the poor babies a dad. Everyone deserved a dad. Sarah knew that better than most. It wasn’t easy growing up without one. That was why she loved Darren so much: he looked after her and minded her and told her she was his princess.Darren would never leave her. Sarah was not going to end up like her mother, bitter and a man-hater. No way. Sarah was going to have a good life, with two solid parents for her kids, if she ever decided to have any.

She’d lied when Lucy had asked her if she’d found it difficult to grow up without a dad. She’d been lying about it all her life. She always pretended it had made no difference. Shepretended she didn’t care. But inside it hurt like hell to know she’d been rejected by her father. That he didn’t even love her enough to contact her or send her birthday presents or a lousy Christmas card. He’d walked out and disappeared, just like Tom had, except Sarah’s dad had waited until she was three to do it. She didn’t know which was worse, to have your dad walk away before you were evenborn, like Tom had done, or when you were three and he knew you. They were both awful.

Sarah used to hear people say it was worse for her brother because he was five and a boy needed his father. But she thought that was rubbish. A girl needed her father just as much. She had always envied Lucy. Billy looked at her with such adoration – it was gorgeous. Billy thought the sun, moon and stars revolvedaround Lucy. Sarah had watched him at sports days, school plays and the school graduation ceremony … Whatever the occasion, Billy was always the first there, sitting in the front row, cheering and clapping. Sarah ached for that kind of love from a man.

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