Page 69 of Our Secrets and Lies

‘He has a point there. I was never a fan of dark nails. Red is the colour fellas like,’ Darren said.

‘Guys who are a hundred years old maybe,’ Shannon huffed. ‘We’ve moved on since the nineteen forties, Dad. Besides, I paint my nails for me, not for boys.’

‘Hang on now. I’m thirty-eight, not ninety. Besides, black is very … well … butch.’

Ollie giggled. ‘Yeah, girls withblack nails look like lezzers.’

‘Shut up, Ollie, and thanks a lot, Dad. Fathers are supposed to tell their daughters that they’re beautiful and fabulous, not that they look like butch lesbians!’

‘I didn’t say that!’ Darren threw his arms up. ‘I said dark nails were butch.’

‘It’s the same thing.’

‘No, it isn’t.’

‘Mr McInteer said parents shouldn’t lie to their kids,’ Ollie piped up. ‘He saidparents should be honest and not tell them they’re great all the time. He said you only have to look atThe X Factorto see these saddos coming in who can’t sing and they think they’re gifted cos their parents told them they had amazing voices and they’re actually crap.’

Shannon leant over the table and stuck her face close to Ollie’s. ‘So what are you saying? That Dad can’t tell me I’m gorgeousbecause I’m ugly?’

‘You’re not ugly, but you’re not gorgeous neither,’ Ollie said.

‘Well, you look like a cross between a ferret and a slug.’

‘Enough,’ Sarah said. ‘Can we all please be nice to each other?’

‘Dad started it.’ Shannon glared at him.

‘I give up,’ Darren said, and picked up his tea.

They all ate in silence for a minute.

‘Can I row down the Liffey in a bathtub naked?’

‘What?’Sarah and Darren stared at their son.

‘Here we go again with the madness.’ Shannon sighed.

‘Bear did it down the Thames in London for charity. It was deadly. I was going to do it for – for – I dunno, kids in hospital or something.’

Darren buttered his toast. ‘Let me get this straight, you want to row down the river Liffey in the centre of Dublin, bollock naked, in November?’

Ollie nodded.‘Yeah. Deadly, isn’t it?’

‘Oh, it’ll be deadly all right because you’ll die of hypothermia,’ Darren said.

Ollie frowned. ‘I knew you’d try and stop me. I can cover my body in Vaseline to keep warm.’

Shannon put her face into her hands and groaned. ‘If you let him do that, I am leaving this family for ever, I swear. I’d rather be homeless and live in a skip than suffer the mortification.’

‘Why do you have to be naked?’ Sarah asked.

‘Because Bear was.’

‘Why was he naked?’ Darren asked.

‘Dunno,’ Ollie said.

‘To show off his assets.’ Sarah grinned. ‘He’s easy on the eye, I’ll give him that. Very hunky.’

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