Page 114 of Seven Letters

So would you be if Adam had no job and few prospects. It’s not easy, Sarah, I’m doing my best.

‘I’m really looking forward to us all being together for Christmas lunch. I hope Mia doesn’t argue with Riley. They’re killing each other at the moment. Riley can be a bit grumpy, although you can see it’s all just teenage awkwardness and angst. Mia reacts so quickly to her – theyspark off each other so much. But you can see the love there, the affection and the devotion. They are cut from the same cloth and I know they’ll find each other again when the teenage stuff is over. I hope it’s soon, though, because I can see how much Mia misses Riley and the closeness they had.

‘To be fair, Mia does have a lot on her plate. She’s great the way she works and looks after Riley and tries to make sure Johnny is getting out and about, meeting people and networking, not letting the job loss bring him down.

‘I’d be useless if Adam lost his business. We’d be homeless. No one would hire me – I’m not good at anything, really, except being a mum. I do think I’m good at that, but no one is going to hire me for it.

‘I hope tomorrow is nice. I love Christmas and I want us all to have a good time. Dad seems happy with Olivia, so even if we don’t like her, I think we need to focus on the fact that he is happier than he has been in years.

‘Please God this year will bring a baby for us, a job for Johnny, love for Dad, hormonal balance for Riley and joy and happiness for my Izzy.’

Mia covered her face with her hands. Joy and happiness … Izzy had heartbreak, grief and devastation to look forward to. It was so cruelly unfair. She was such a little thing, so young and innocent. But all of that innocence would be crushed to pieces when she found out that her beloved mummy was dead and never coming back. Mia wept into her hands.

‘Christmas Day, 10 p.m. Everyone has gone home and I’m lying on the couch writing this while Adam snores beside me.

‘I’ve just tucked a happy but exhausted little girl into bed. She hugged me and said it was the “best Christmas ever”, which made all of the hard work and preparation worth it.

‘Adam and Mia both drank too much and needled each other, but it didn’t turn into an argument, thankfully. Johnny was quiet. I can see his confidence is low because of the prospect of being out of work. He is usually so much fun, but today he was definitely quieter. Riley spent most of the day on her new iPhone, but she did play with Izzy too.

‘Olivia … Well, what can I say about Olivia? She pawed Dad all day and he seemed to love it. Mia and I did a lot of giggling into our wine glasses.

‘All in all, it was a good day. But then Mia cried when she was leaving. Johnny and Riley had gone to the car and Mia was saying goodbye to me on the doorstep and thanking me for hosting Christmas and all that and then she burst into tears!

‘It was so unlike her. She was quite drunk and her emotions just rose to the surface. She said she misses Mum and that Christmas morning was awful because Johnny and she had spent all of their money on Riley’s phone and then they gave each other a book and that was it. She said Johnny had tried to make the house look Christmassy, but his heart wasn’t in it and she was too tired to bother. She said she woke up and went downstairs on her own while Johnny and Riley slept in.

‘“I miss Santa and the magic of Christmas and Riley being Izzy’s age and – and feeling light and happy. I’m turning into a grumpy, stressed-out cow. I hate myself.”

‘I hugged her and tried to console her. I told her she’s wonderful and brave and strong and loving and kind. I said, “This is just a phase. Johnny will get another job and Riley will come through her teenage years,” and she’d be able to breathe easy again.

‘She said they don’t feel like a family any more, that Riley spends all of her time in her bedroom and Johnny is always on the computer and she’s alone in the kitchen. They were all living separate lives and Mia said she feels really lonely.

‘I felt so bad for her, but then Johnny honked the horn and she wiped her tears and left.

‘I wanted to hug her and comfort her. I hate seeing her so upset.’

Mia sat back in her chair. She remembered crying. She’d hated every minute of Christmas Day. She’d woken up with an empty feeling in the pit of her stomach. She’d sat in the kitchen on her own, drinking coffee and looking at the small, cheap tree that Johnny had tried, in vain, to make cheerful. She’d felt deeply sad, lonely and low, very low. Was this her lot? Was she going to spend the next twenty years working to pay off the mortgage and worrying about Johnny and Riley? Where were the fun and the laughs she’d shared with the two most important people in her life? They felt like strangers to each other now.

Mia had felt so alone sitting in the kitchen that morning. But in a strange way, since Sarah had been in hospital, she had felt closer to Johnny and Riley. They were helping her – well, Johnny was, and Riley was trying. They were actually talking to each other. They weren’t always rushing off to different rooms, burying their faces in phones, laptops and Netflix.

God, how she wished she could turn back time. She wouldn’t have felt sorry for herself. She could slap that self-pitying woman in the face. She was lucky, so lucky. She’d had no idea how lucky she was that morning. If she’d known then what would happen five months later, she would not have been crying and moaning about stupid little problems. She would have been on her knees thanking God for life, health and her family.

‘Oh, Sarah,’ she whispered. ‘I’ve been an idiot. I’ll never complain again, and I’ll make sure we spend more time together as a family. I’ll drag Riley out of that bedroom and I’ll make Johnny put his laptop away and I’ll turn my phone off and we’ll try harder.’

Mia read the last paragraph of the entry:

‘When I closed the door, I realized how lucky I am and how I must cherish Izzy and Adam even more. We are so lucky to have each other and to love each other so much. Our little unit, our little bubble of joy, is all I’ve ever wished for – and more.’

Mia kissed the page and closed the diary. She held her sister’s hand, watched the clouds sailing gently by the window and prayed for Sarah to be at peace.

44

Riley didn’t hear them coming. If she had, she’d have run, but they would probably have caught her anyway, with all their fitness training. They slammed her against the wall of the science classroom.

‘What the actual fuck?’ Zoë screamed in her face. ‘Zach just dumped me for you.You– Debbie Downer!’

‘He’s obviously having some kind of brain fart,’ Cleo hissed.

Riley pushed against them and tried to wriggle out of their grasp, but they had arms of steel. They had her well and truly pinned to the wall.

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