Page 126 of Seven Letters

Charlie sat down heavily on the pew. ‘I’m not sure how much more I can take of this, Mia,’ he said. ‘It’s splitting the family apart.’

‘Dad, we’ll work it out. Rob is trying to broker a peace deal in the background. Don’t worry.’

‘I told you, Charlie, worrying will only make you sick. Tongue out.’

Charlie put out his tongue and Olivia sprayed Rescue Remedy on it. ‘Now, deep breaths.’

‘Can I have some?’ Mia asked.

Olivia smiled at her. ‘Tongue out and don’t cough. We can’t be passing around germs.’

Mia did as she was told. Olivia sprayed her tongue.

The choir began to sing. Mia hurried over to take her place beside her class. She closed her eyes and let the music glide over her. She saw Sarah twirling in her white dress, but this time the memory didn’t floor her. This time the memory was beautiful.

48

Adam dug his fingernails into his palms as a trickle of sweat rolled down his back. He thought the veins on his neck were going to pop out with the effort he was making not to throw himself on the floor and howl.

The little girls’ voices rose as they paraded out of the church singing ‘Circle of Friends’. Izzy walked by, her hands held up in prayer, looking so innocent and angelic. Adam’s hand shook as he tried to steady his phone to take a photo to show Sarah. He knew it was stupid, she was dead, but he liked to talk to her and show her photos and tell her all about Izzy. She’d want to know every detail about today.

He clicked wildly on his phone, hoping some of the pictures wouldn’t be blurred. He had never felt so alone, sitting in the church, an empty space on one side of him. Sarah’s seat. Well-meaning parents gave him sympathetic half-smiles across the church, but he couldn’t bear it. He avoided eye contact.

He should be there with Sarah, nudging each other, whispering that Izzy was by far the most beautiful child in the church, beaming and waving at her up on the altar. Sarah would have been the most beautiful woman, the most stylish, too. Adam would have sat there bursting with pride. His wife and his daughter, the best, brightest stars in the place. His family, his perfect family.

But, no. Life had robbed him of that. Sarah had been ripped from him, torn from their lives, and the hole she had left was so deep. Every minute of every day felt like a lifetime.Adam felt as if he was swimming against the strongest current. If he stopped or lost focus for even one tiny second, he’d drown. A lot of the time he wanted to give in, to let the water sweep him away, but he couldn’t. He had to be strong for Izzy and Sarah and his baby.

He wanted to go to bed, pull the duvet over his head and never get up, but instead he got up every day and tried to do the right thing. What was the right thing? Adam didn’t know. But he had to keep fighting or they would all drown.

He saw Izzy wave at someone. He craned his neck. Charlie was waving at her and dabbing his eyes with his big handkerchief. God, he looked old. Two weeks ago his hair had been salt-and-pepper grey, but now it was snow white. Adam looked at the church exit where the girls were streaming out into the sunshine. Mia was standing at the door, ushering them out. She looked awful, grey, exhausted and very thin. Her dress was hanging off her frame.

Adam touched the side of his face where he’d cut himself shaving that morning. He hadn’t shaved in a week, but he’d wanted to be presentable for Izzy. In the mirror, he’d barely recognized himself. He’d tried to fix his hair and had put drops in to soothe his bloodshot eyes, but it had made little difference.

As parents stood up and talked with each other, complimenting dresses, daughters, the weather, Adam hung back. He didn’t have the energy for chit-chat. Sarah was good at it. Mia used to laugh and say Sarah was the queen of small-talk. Mia liked to cut straight to the important things and have proper conversations with people, which freaked Sarah out. She wanted to keep it light. She didn’t want to share her thoughts or intimacies with other people. She didn’t want people telling her that their marriages were in crisis or they were having an affair, were secret alcoholics or hated sexwith their husbands. Sarah had never been good with oversharing. She’d always told Adam that she liked to keep her conversations to kids, holidays, fashion and light current affairs. ‘I don’t want a big gang of friends. I have you to talk to.’

He felt exactly the same way. She was his best friend, too. Sure he had mates to go to rugby games with, but Sarah was his best friend. He hadn’t just lost his wife, he’d lost his closest friend, confidante, lover and the person he adored.

Adam had always thought people who self-harmed were insane, total nutters. But lately the thought of cutting himself to feel physical pain was attractive. Frighteningly attractive. He’d held a knife to his arm last night at three a.m. He hadn’t cut himself, but he’d been close. It had frightened him. He was too close to the edge. He had to try to come back. He’d forced himself to look at the photos of Izzy that covered the kitchen walls and had put the knife down.

It hadn’t been easy, but he’d done it. He couldn’t start self-harming: that would be a dangerous spiral. He needed to stay strong and keep it together for Izzy, but it was very tempting to disappear into real pain instead of emotional agony.

Work was a mess, too. His managers had been fantastic, but he needed to get back to the office and deal with the mounting paperwork. The economy was buoyant again and the business was flying. Better than ever, they told him. But he didn’t care. The special holiday they were going to take was gone now. No more family holidays. No more cocktails at sundown. No more walks on the beach. No more kissing Sarah and tasting the salt of the sea on her lips. No more …

‘Adam? Are you all right?’ a mother asked him.

He couldn’t remember her name. ‘Yes, fine. Just a bit hot in here,’ he said.

‘What a lovely ceremony,’ Rob said, distracting the woman.

‘Oh, yes, it really was. The girls were just lovely. Izzy looks wonderful. I’m so sorry about …’

Adam’s throat tightened and his breath shortened. He had to get away from the woman before he broke down. He couldn’t handle sympathy. ‘I’m sorry, but I must find Izzy.’ He pushed past her brusquely and rushed out of the church. He loosened his tie and sucked in gulps of air.

Where was Izzy? He spotted her talking to Charlie and Mia.

He marched over and took Izzy’s hand. ‘Come on, Izzy. We need to go.’

Rob joined them. ‘Hi, guys,’ he said. ‘Thanks for coming today.’

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